KellBelle,
I am not a medical professional and I don't even play one on TV. However, I have found dysphoria seems to come and go in multiple ways. When stressed, anxious or depressed, the symptoms seem to be more severe. I imagine when hormones in our bodies fluctuate that may also trigger certain parts of dysphoria(correct me if I am wrong anyone). If that is the case, at 14 you are just in a bath of hormones being fired off. I was in a pretty bad place at 13-16 or 17. I don't know if it was dysphoria(I did not realize what transgender issues were till many years later, then didn't realize they applied to me for a bit longer) but lots of my friends were going through similar things. I think that was mostly hormones and teen years.
However, I think we are quick to blame dysphoria when sometimes it is simpler. I am just having a bad day today. I realized that some of my dysphoric symptoms may feel worse on those days but we can't blame everything on dysphoria. Some days just suck. That is true no matter what age, identity, orientation... However, when you add teen awkwardness, true dysphoric symptoms, hormones that may be the "wrong ones", uncertainty of everything and the anxiety of keeping it hidden? Sounds a lot like what you are experiencing. I am by no means belittling your experience. It truly feels awful. All I can say is to try to do what you can for yourself and be patient.
You are not an alien. You are not a freak. You are not the first to experience some of these things. You are you. Breathe. Be still when you can. Listen to depressing or angry music(unless it makes you feel worse). Accept yourself for who you are. There are many who will tell you to be like everyone else(it is easier in some ways). But if you do that, it will catch up later. Symptoms will cling to you and will be worse if you try to be someone else. If you have a friend you can talk to, who will accept you, no matter what. Try to be with them. Try talking out loud(it makes it easier to do that to others every time you say things out loud). No one's life is simple. Try to be there for them too. We will try to be with you as much as possible but nothing compares to a flesh and blood person.
If you have therapist you can talk to, that would be fantastic. There should be no judgment from them. That is such a relief when you get used to it. It caused me anxiety at first.
Sorry for my rambling. We do care.
With warm embraces and loving thoughts,
Joanna
