My dysphoria is ever-changing!

[thatonegirlroxx]

From the day I came out to myself back in '08 to today as I write, my dysphoria is always changing, I hate it! It is always something new! Recently though, it's manifesting into something that was not ever a big problem in the past. I can't take compliments anymore, it almost physically hurts to hear anything close to a compliment. For example, a woman around my age whom I see often on a weekly basis seems to show interest in me and compliments me in a matter not relevant, but she points out something about me. I can't help but hear the compliment, and within a few seconds feel flushed and terribly embarrassed, and not the good kind! Meh, where the dysphoria really kicks in is where I start to over think things in my head like: "She thought you looked pretty today? How can you be pretty?" Or more specifically: "She liked your shoes? She probably saw your enormous feet! Oh, she wants to get a dress like yours? Tell her to get a normal sized one!" "You better remind yourself that you look the way you do! You shouldn't be seen, a man , wearing what you do. Go home, you're done." or my favorite so far: "She thinks you should hang out with her more to get to know each other because you're interesting??? You made the right choice by telling her no, she wasn't interested anyways.". I could go on forever about what my dysphoria dictates in my head. Essentially all of that happens whenever anyone compliments me about anything, specifically my appearance. It's like this bug inside me that interrupts anything I'm doing just to remind me what I'm trying to forget about. I try to allow myself to feel good about what I look like and everything I've accomplished, but my dysphoria always wants to throw it's two cents in whenever it feels like it. It hindering me badly to the point where I avoid human contact just so I don't put myself in those kinds of situations. I postponed college, I lost my job, I pushed away friends, family and potential partners, because I just can't stop thinking. I think I just wanted to rant on for a while. This is my first time I "scream into the void" since I came out. Thank you for your time.

[kelly_aus]

To be honest, this sounds more like a confidence and self-esteem issue than dysphoria.

[Beth Andrea]

It sounds like you need to change the "internal speaker script".

We all have a voice inside our heads that represents all the bad people who've been in our lives...both the actual memory, as well as our perception of that memory.

Be strong! Tell that voice to shut up, to go away, that only YOUR voice, a positive voice, is allowed to speak.

"I, Roxx, am the only one to speak!! And I am beautiful!! (Insert acceptance of the compliment here, such as "She likes my shoes BECAUSE my shoes are attractive!! My feet look great on me!!")

It's a 24/7 task until you win out...keep trying, and don't criticize yourself about it. Do your best, and that will be good enough!

*hugs*

[thatonegirlroxx]

kelly_aus: It does sound that way, huh? I guess I wasn't descriptive enough about what I feel... Though this is just one facet of what my dysphoria is, there's so much more than this (which I think in hindsight I was explaining the self esteem issues and lack of confidence are a byproduct of my dysphoria. I'll be sure to elaborate more as to not confuse the two.

Beth Andrea: Ahh, when you put it that way, it just sounds so easy and fulfilling! I'll do my best! *hugs*

[KimSails]

First, I agree with Kelly and Beth Andrea.  It sounds more like self-esteem.  I think Beth Andrea has a good suggestion to help.  I've had similar issues at times - both gender related and in other areas of my life.  When you are really down on yourself it can be hard to realize that your self-criticisms are exaggerated from he reality of the situation.

I will add that not accepting compliments is a common trait in women.  Enough for Amy Schumer to make a sketch out of it: (You Tube amy schumer compliments).

I think the sketch is funny, but the reality of the situation is that this is a real problem for an awful lot of women, trans or not. Please try Beth Andrea's advice! Realize that you have worth and value!

Kim

[kelly_aus]

kelly_aus: It does sound that way, huh? I guess I wasn't descriptive enough about what I feel... Though this is just one facet of what my dysphoria is, there's so much more than this (which I think in hindsight I was explaining the self esteem issues and lack of confidence are a byproduct of my dysphoria. I'll be sure to elaborate more as to not confuse the two.

Part of the problem is that trans people are all too eager to ascribe things to dysphoria that actually fall well outside what dysphoria really is..

[thatonegirlroxx]

Part of the problem is that trans people are all too eager to ascribe things to dysphoria that actually fall well outside what dysphoria really is..

I don't mean offense to the term dysphoria, I didn't want to list the various symptoms of my own dysphoric states I experience along with what I included in the post, only because I'm sure everyone would know generally where I was coming from, but I guess not. I solidly believe 100% of my anxieties exist entirely because of the dysphoria my body causes me. I wouldn't say I'm eager to I guess "jump to conclusions" rather I think I spoke "too fast" and didn't start on step one of where it all comes from really, because I can trace it back to not recognizing myself in the mirror, and genuine confusion and depression, including mutilation, back a few years ago. I just thought being on a trans* forum board, we (mostly) all have the same idea what dysphoria can look like, set aside our own personal aspects of it, and that I could skip a few steps before explaining a situation. I'm sorry if I gave off a mixed message by wording my post the way I did.

[Beth Andrea]

I think dysphoria affects everyone differently, and in different intensities. And yes, depending on several things it can manifest in different ways on different days. You mentioned your dysphoria is "always changing". How was it before?

...It hindering me badly to the point where I avoid human contact just so I don't put myself in those kinds of situations...

Have you talked to a counselor about your anxiety? It sounds like your triggers are more than only a compliment-acceptance problem.

[thatonegirlroxx]

I think dysphoria affects everyone differently, and in different intensities. And yes, depending on several things it can manifest in different ways on different days. You mentioned your dysphoria is "always changing". How was it before?

Have you talked to a counselor about your anxiety? It sounds like your triggers are more than only a compliment-acceptance problem.

When I say that my dysphoria is always changing, I meant it in the way that what triggers it is always different, the "game" that I have to play in order not to see myself fall apart, always changes rules, sometimes it keeps some, some it let's go. I hope the game analogy isn't confusing, I just don't know how to describe the "ever changing" part.

Yes, I've spoken to a therapist many times about this, and from what I'm told, isn't the simple confidence issue. I avoid human contact because they trigger my dysphoria. If we jump back to the "game" analogy, every person may set me off, and sometimes for really stupid things, all it takes is for the words my dysphoria needs to "kick in" before I start to see things in an ugly light. I start to feel sick, my hands look weird to me, well all my "abnormal" parts look strange, I start to look at myself wondering what happened and why in halibut I'm so grossed out by "me". Everything that sets me apart being mid transition to everyone "normal" becomes painfully obvious, and it sickens me. Uuy, this is hard to talk about, my hands are shaking writing this..