When did you realize you were transexual?

[Jake25]

When did you realize that you should be the opposite gender you were born?

My story:
Ever since I was a kid I wanted to do some things that were seen as boyish, but not others. I've never cared much for sports for example. I remember wanting to grow up to be a male body builder. I have admire Arnold Schwarzenegger since I was a kid and still do. There are various men in the media I looked to as role models secretly and told no one because I knew it wouldn't look normal. I loved to play with reptiles as a kid and would cross dress at halloween in costumes like Ozzy Osbourne, and one year I wanted to be Gene Simmons from Kiss with all the makeup. I never did that because I was in the care of some very religious people who didn't agree with rock n roll when I was a teenager.

In my teens I also would sometimes dress overly feminine because I was afraid of being ridiculed which I had earlier for being a tomboy. I didn't think realize all the miracle surgeries that can be done to fix this until recently. I live in an area where all that stuff has to be kept in the dark mostly. Right now I'm a just look like a woman dressed in men's clothing with a man's haircut.

I am low income and don't know if my insurance will cover the hormones, yet. If I pay out of pocket for everything I will have had to save up and wait long periods of time in between hormones and surgeries.

[JaCeBurningStarIV]

It might not take as long as you think money wise. my insurance covered it even though i was still F on all my paperwork back when i first started about 5 years ago, I too didn't know this was a viable option. my T is relatively inexpensive on insurance and about 40$ a month with out insurance. not too bad, that's a couple of meals, or fast food meals, or drinks at a bar. so you can get the medicine if you can just use your insurance first. I've always used my insurance even when i was female and read all over the internet that there are problems with sex not matching up on insurance documents. I for one can say that my insurance company never called, or asked me anything, I suspect they don't really pay attention to prescriptions, I think it's the surgeries that they'd REALLY inquire about because they cost more than a prescription discount.

All in all, under any income you can start to make your dreams come true. I truly believe that.

My trans story is kind of both long and short, I lived as a stud female, into women, so i suppose lebsian, for the better part of my whole life. I tried to conform to society at a young age, but it's not all black and white, and children can love anything. and so i just decided I'd do what i felt best in which was the community in a large city. where precedents have been set for people like us. It wasnt until my early 20's that I realized I wanted to transition. it was a shock, but really i thought "if i've been pretending for the last 15 years...why not just do it? you must want it if you're always trying to be in..but just dressing and acting like it, not really preceived as it. so do it!" and i did, I sought out a therapist first like they all say, (but when i  got to my Endocrinologist. he didnt even read the letter) and I truly don't think that i needed to go to a therapist and try to convince her and explain to her these feelings that should not have to be put into words for any one else. i'll admit i made a lot of it up, i just wanted to be a man. i didn't want to be a mental patient who wants to be a man. then i had my last physical as a woman, in which i explained to a very elderly gentlemen that i was there for a physical so i can start "HRT" and he says " you're so young, you dont need HRT, " i said, "no, testosterone," and he says " ahhyes " smiled, and proceeded to give me the physical as if i were male. I do not think i'll ever forget that day. How nice of him to do that for me. what a good Dr.
As you can see i dont have regular Dr's. I had to drop into a clinic and google a therapist.

In any case, i  then chose my endocrinologist- my Endocrinologist happens to be a good friend of mine's dad, which at the time i didn't realize. so he asked me some things, and he prescribed me. and that was it, i looked up how to do my shots online, told him i already knew how. and he let me do it. he says im the most successful case he has because he takes a lot of the cases on here in town. im in a small town too. i suppose he may mean i'm the only one really living a substantial life( college, work fulltime, surgeries, etc). but I'm not sure as I have not asked him.

I really just thought that i was fine the way i was before until I realized I was not, and in any case being just "fine" is no way to be

[Tossu-sama]

Ever since I became aware of genders and their differencies I always felt like there was something wrong with me. I couldn't put my finger on it as a little kid but I knew how I would've said it aloud if I had had the courage; "I wanna be a boy".

I always wanted to play with the boys in school but especially in elementary school - at least in my years there - girls and boys playing together was a no-no. Cooties and whatnot else. On top of that, I was REALLY shy kid. You know, one of those quiet kids who do well in pretty much every subject in school.

I think I was in my teen years when I first stumbled across transsexualism in tv documentaries. When others watched those thinking most likely "what's wrong with those people" I didn't see it that way. Already back then I thought that maybe I was like that, too. But for some reason I considered it to be an "easy" explanation for my feelings. I was being a little adult about it, it was just the age, puberty and whatnot, I would grow up to be a woman just like my mom.

But no. After the obligatory school years my appearance went into the androgynous direction quite fast and me feeling uncomfortable with my body just grew and grew. Everytime there was a show on tv about trans people the familiar thought surfaced. Maybe that was the case on me, too? Nope, there had to be another way.

I kept going on like that until I was 21. The last drop was this little thought I had in my mind one day when I was alone at home; "what would I want to be called if I was a guy?" For some reason, that little thought made me realize that I really wanted to be a man because I already was a man but I was trapped in a body that didn't look right and made me feel uncomfortable.
I could finally admit it to myself, after all those years of brushing the thought to side as an easy way out. I was a guy trapped in a female body and I needed to do something about it.

That was four years ago and I'm at the point that I could only dream about back then. On T with top surgery and hysto done, name and legal gender changed. This situation was my goal when I started my transition. Feels good, man.

[FTMax]

I grew up very tomboy-ish. I didn't really have a word for it at the time, though I knew I liked girls. In middle school, I identified as a lesbian because that was what made sense to me. This carried on through high school. My relationships started to suffer because I was extremely uncomfortable being touched and wanted nothing to do with anything related to my body.

When I was 17, a long time friend came out as transgender and that was basically when my whole life fell apart. I had a word to describe me, but everything seemed so unattainable. I didn't think I'd ever be able to tell anyone and be accepted. I half-heartedly attempted to transition once in college and once before grad school. It didn't work, I wasn't ready, and I had no support.

I didn't attempt it again until I had finished school and had been working for several years. It's been good though, because now I have insurance, everyone knows and is on the same page, and I can afford to do what I need to do. I'm one step away from being done with physical transition, I'm viewed as male, and I'm completely comfortable with where I'm at presently.

[Tiffanie]

Some of my earliest memories from age three was realizing that I was not a boy ... or better said, I was a girl.  The word transgender (or transsexual( was not part of my vocabulary for many years.  I did not know there was a way to change my body until I was 7.

[synesthetic]

I spent a long time living as a gender non-conforming girl - I told myself I was supposed to be a girl, so therefore I was a girl. Then when I realized my bisexuality, I started getting more involved in the LGBTQIA+ community. The word transgender stuck with me, and it got to a point where I couldn't deny my true gender. It explained the disconnect I feel from my gender assigned at birth, and it all began to fall into place from there.

[katrinaw]

My earliest memories were around 4 or 5... I also seemed to have bad genital dysphoria too...

After many years of crying and praying solidly I eventually just tried to push it to the back of my mind... with good results, but the feeling were always there, coming and pushing them back, till no more now!

L Katy 

[BenKenobi]

I was somewhat girly as a young kid (like 3 or 4) but as i grew older, i hung out with the guys more. I reasoned "they do more fun things." for a while i figured i was a tomboy. In high school, i hated being a girl because puberty wasn't kind to me and i fully realized that being a female came with all sorts of expectations and such that i didn't want. I had even stated that I'd rather live as a gay man despite believing at the time that homosexuality was a sin (i don't believe that anymore). I made my home on some forums a few years later. There were some transsexual members that i interacted with (some i liked, some i didn't) and for a while i settled with whatever people wanted to call me. I was told i had a masculine impression when typing and i found that amusing. I still stewed in self-loathing. I thought it was normal. A few months ago, i settled for being androgynous. I often got called 'sir' at work and i enjoyed cosplaying as male characters. I figured "why not"? My boyfriend at the time was supportive so i felt more at ease. Then a month or so later i realized that i would still rather be all male. I'm two months in just trying to live as a gay man and now single and I'm still fighting myself to accept it. I guess part of me still hopes that this is an exploration phase of who i am since i was incredibly sheltered as a kid (despite enjoying male activities i was pretty much forced to hang out with girls).

Tl;dr I'm not sure. I'm sure i knew but didn't know i knew. Part of me still says "nah that happens to other people. You're not part of that crowd. You don't belong" but the other part says "well you hate being female enough to disassociate from it, that counts for something, right?"

[Jake25]

I was somewhat girly as a young kid (like 3 or 4) but as i grew older, i hung out with the guys more. I reasoned "they do more fun things." for a while i figured i was a tomboy. In high school, i hated being a girl because puberty wasn't kind to me and i fully realized that being a female came with all sorts of expectations and such that i didn't want. I had even stated that I'd rather live as a gay man despite believing at the time that homosexuality was a sin (i don't believe that anymore). I made my home on some forums a few years later. There were some transsexual members that i interacted with (some i liked, some i didn't) and for a while i settled with whatever people wanted to call me. I was told i had a masculine impression when typing and i found that amusing. I still stewed in self-loathing. I thought it was normal. A few months ago, i settled for being androgynous. I often got called 'sir' at work and i enjoyed cosplaying as male characters. I figured "why not"? My boyfriend at the time was supportive so i felt more at ease. Then a month or so later i realized that i would still rather be all male. I'm two months in just trying to live as a gay man and now single and I'm still fighting myself to accept it. I guess part of me still hopes that this is an exploration phase of who i am since i was incredibly sheltered as a kid (despite enjoying male activities i was pretty much forced to hang out with girls).

Tl;dr I'm not sure. I'm sure i knew but didn't know i knew. Part of me still says "nah that happens to other people. You're not part of that crowd. You don't belong" but the other part says "well you hate being female enough to disassociate from it, that counts for something, right?"

I have this in common with you, that you wanted to be a gay man and not live up to traditionally female expectations.

[Pony]

When I was waiting to hear back if I had testicular cancer or not and wasn't worried in the least, but was praying that I did have it so I'd have a legitimate excuse to have the little demons exorcized from my body! And when I told my gf how this she said "yeah I know. you told me you wanted them removed 15 years ago." More recently when I looked at my smart phone and noticed every bookmark had to do with transition related surgeries and issues and realized I've been privately obsessing about it for my entire life and that CD's have links to women's CLOTHING sites, not women surgical procedure sites.

Every few years iId break out of the browbeating I was giving myself with the false message of "You're just a CD! And she's just not that interesting. No you don't like guys at all!" and try and tell one of my parents and they'd just never fall for the setups I was doing to get to the subject. Like.. hey dad read this book it's about son and father who are completely different than everyone on the world they grew up in. (He never read it.)

And whenever someone asked me "What would you do if you won the lottery?" and I'd respond "Get a sex change."

[Jake25]

Some of my earliest memories from age three was realizing that I was not a boy ... or better said, I was a girl.  The word transgender (or transsexual( was not part of my vocabulary for many years.  I did not know there was a way to change my body until I was 7.

I didn't realize the reality of the surgeries and how effective they are until I was in my early 20s. I had heard before about Christine Jorgensen, and I'm sure that they've improved the process since then!

[Jake25]

When I was waiting to hear back if I had testicular cancer or not and wasn't worried in the least, but was praying that I did have it so I'd have a legitimate excuse to have the little demons exorcized from my body! And when I told my gf how this she said "yeah I know. you told me you wanted them removed 15 years ago." More recently when I looked at my smart phone and noticed every bookmark had to do with transition related surgeries and issues and realized I've been privately obsessing about it for my entire life and that CD's have links to women's CLOTHING sites, not women surgical procedure sites.

Every few years iId break out of the browbeating I was giving myself with the false message of "You're just a CD! And she's just not that interesting. No you don't like guys at all!" and try and tell one of my parents and they'd just never fall for the setups I was doing to get to the subject. Like.. hey dad read this book it's about son and father who are completely different than everyone on the world they grew up in. (He never read it.)

And whenever someone asked me "What would you do if you won the lottery?" and I'd respond "Get a sex change."

Stay Golden Pony Girl, Stay Golden.

[big kim]

A few weeks after my 21st birthday(late 1978),I'd often wished to be a girl from age 6 or 7 and dressed occasionally before.This day it was the start of a real cold spell and I was working on my Triumph in the garage doing 1/2 hour on 10 minutes off it was so cold.I was warming up and started reading the paper and I saw a story about a very attractive lady who used to be a sailor(sorry can't remember her name) and while I was reading it I knew I'm like that,it's not a phase,it's not going away.I spent the next 10 years trying to blot it out with drugs and booze without success.

[Jake25]

A few weeks after my 21st birthday(late 1978),I'd often wished to be a girl from age 6 or 7 and dressed occasionally before.This day it was the start of a real cold spell and I was working on my Triumph in the garage doing 1/2 hour on 10 minutes off it was so cold.I was warming up and started reading the paper and I saw a story about a very attractive lady who used to be a sailor(sorry can't remember her name) and while I was reading it I knew I'm like that,it's not a phase,it's not going away.I spent the next 10 years trying to blot it out with drugs and booze without success.

I hope you don't still have substance abuse problems?

[Pizzaparty78]

My earliest memories were around 4 or 5... I also seemed to have bad genital dysphoria too...

After many years of crying and praying solidly I eventually just tried to push it to the back of my mind... with good results, but the feeling were always there, coming and pushing them back, till no more now!

L Katy 

This is so simliar to my story that it's almost scary haha. My story is almost exactly like hers, except that I'm ftm. When I was around 7-8, I used to wad up some socks and make my own "packer" (I had no idea that this was a thing at the time, I just knew it felt right to have something there). I knew I was different, but pushed it to the back of my mind. It wasn't until I was 12 when I randomly searched "how to pee standing up" that I discovered the word transgender. Then, I again pushed it to the back of my mind, until this year, now I'm going for it.

[Mariah]

Due to issues with my body from birth a tone of work was done down in the area of the genitals. The constant attention that resulted made the genital discomfort to the fore front very early on. Easily around 4 or 5 years old again. I have always hated that area and will be at peace once that birth defect is gone for good. I wasn't familiar with the term transsexual tell I started transitioning, but it fit like a glove once I was familiar with it. Hugs
Mariah

[Jake25]

Due to issues with my body from birth a tone of work was done down in the area of the genitals. The constant attention that resulted made the genital discomfort to the fore front very early on. Easily around 4 or 5 years old again. I have always hated that area and will be at peace once that birth defect is gone for good. I wasn't familiar with the term transsexual tell I started transitioning, but it fit like a glove once I was familiar with it. Hugs
Mariah

I am very uncomfortable with my female anatomy as well.

[Eva Marie]

From about the age of 6-7 it became apparent that I was quite different than the other boys, but I didn't know what the difference was because this was back in the 60's and where I lived there was no knowledge of what transgender even meant. I never played with dolls or dressed up so there were no clues to help me figure it out. To protect myself from abuse from other kids I gradually built a fake male persona and held it out in front of me as a shield - I did it so well that I had everyone convinced, including myself, that I was a guy. The fake guy got married, started a family and a business, and was a man's man. My life as a middle aged psuedo-guy was going pretty well.

And then it all started to unravel.

In my mid 40's I started to figure out what the difference was. I went from thinking I was an androgyne to realizing that I was bigender over a period of a few years. To deal with myself I was diving into a bottle every night, and one night I realized that if I didn't do something I was going to be a statistic.

So I started therapy. I went in with the attitude that I was bigender and was looking for help managing that, and after about 3 months I said the words "I am a transsexual" sitting there on the couch, knowing full well that my world was going to collapse - which it did.

At that point I was 51.

[big kim]

I hope you don't still have substance abuse problems?

Thanks for asking Jake,I rarely drink these days(last one at New Year) and no longer do drugs.I gave up smoking weed and taking speed when piss in a bottle was introduced at the place I worked 18 years ago.Started HRT & electrolysis 1990,went full time 1991,had op 1994.

[thatonegirlroxx]

You should definitely check with insurance, better if they can help, but just as stated before, it's not insanely expensive without insurance, just a bit harder.

Just a warning, my story/rant is long.

Starting around first grade when I eventually socialized with others did I realize that I was different. I'm not exactly sure if there was anything before then, but only because there was no one to compare myself to in the way going to school allowed me to notice that there was a difference between me and boys my age. It started out with not liking the games the boys would play, less physical play and more interaction verbally with all the other girls. Those plastic cooking sets were stuff of infinite fun! Body dysphoria didn't rear it's ugly face until a few years after just before entering the 3rd grade when I realized that there was a reason the girls had to use the other restroom, and I separate from them. One of my childhood friends let me in on the secret, something of common knowledge today, that I was the oddball because I was different, I was a boy. I knew what that meant, yet I still couldn't piece together why it was we were different, set aside the obvious "secret". Middle school comes around and boys and girls start to change, and is also where the dysphoria really kicked in. The differences between me and the other girls were becoming too much. I knew what was so different about me. My voice was changing, my voice wasn't supposed to change. I was getting taller and more muscular, it made me look less feminine. I broke out a lot, because of facial hair growth, not typical of girls my age. Them telling me to "man up" when I knew deep down inside there was something terribly wrong with what they were saying! I was always upset and though at the time in hindsight was what would later be called gender dysphoria, I had no clue what to call it. All the boys my age were trying to grow up to be a man's man, and telling my parents how I felt was only going to return the response, "man up". So I tried. High school only proved to me that people were only getting more and more different as the years went by. My body at this point was being poisoned by testosterone and my dysphoria was in full swing. I couldn't eat, sleep, cry, be happy,  or very simply...be me. Whatever that meant. I missed a lot of school because I swore whatever I saw wrong with the male body I occupied, was being seen by everybody. The scared person inside, she needed to come out, badly. One of the days I ditched school, I gave myself an ultimatum, let myself show how different I can be, and be myself, a girl, or die. I knew hurting myself would've been terrible, not only for me but for all who had cared, so I opted for the optimistic route. So I started off with my hair, I grew it out. I started asking my sisters for their old clothes, ("for fabric to make...stuff") so I could start exploring my taste in clothing (as I did not like men's clothing at all, not flattering at all!) This made me feel so much better, but was still not enough. I got my ears pierced. (Yes I know, guys get their ears pierced too, but to me it was a step towards femininity) I got highlights in my hair (see above) Started to ride my bike everywhere (my bigger thighs made me feel good and more proportionate really...and it was a good workout!) And bought my first pair of booties, because who doesn't like shoe shopping, it was my treat! Ah, well, though I did all these things I knew I was far from letting the scared girl inside me out, and as far as I had come in allowing myself to make small changes, I needed to open the flood gates. So I did. After my senior graduation, I let loose and told one by one whomever needed to know that the boy they thought they knew was no boy at all, but a girl, and her name was Roxanne. And I'm living now as me ever since!

(I did leave out the details of my dysphoria, I don't want to upset anyone by delving into details they don't want to read) (This is just a synopsis, there is so much more to my story!)