Hi there, I am very new to this forum. I don't know who to talk to, who to turn to, and to be honest this is the first place where I'm able to share the majority of my experiences over the years.
I desperately, desperately need some help.
Firstly I do apologise if my terminology is not correct. I do not refer to people in terms of "CIS" or anything like that, and I am a complete "newbie" in this area.
I suffer. That's it.
Through one way or anther I've had feelings similar to that of gender dysphoria for many many years.
When I was in primary school i had a friend who was a girl, but when it got to year 2 (when I was around 6 or 7) we fell out because i was physically dragged away by the other boys in my class. We lost touch and have never regained that touch..
I never felt sad about it until over a decade later, but I will get to that.
At the end of year 3 I moved to a different country and the culture there was different. The new school was horrible. I hated it there. The girls hated me for some reason. And the boys, well they were just horrible but that's irrelevant.
Now read this:
My feelings strongly coo-berate with those in that article.
NOW for my first intense
emotional gender dysphoric feeling: I became obsessed with a particular famous female singer, and became debiltatingly depressed, at the age of 11 (around the time I transitioned from Primary School to secondary school/high school). I was so depressed that nothing seemed to have any value other than trying to "become" this woman. I felt that she and I were one, and that it was a gross injustice and tragedy that i couldn't be with her. I'm still not certain whether this was gender dysphoria, but I maintain I did not "fancy" her.
I certainly didn't "love" her. And yet I had this awful feeling that part of my soul was missing.
This was not a matter of me having any concern for her wellbeing, but I
obsessed over her and became extremely jealous. Yes, jealousy. That word is more descriptive of my problem than any other.
"Desire" doesn't come into it. Sadness, jealousy and a sort of alienation.
All emotions other than these had been sucked out of me. There was no joy in life.
I did everything I could to "be like her", but the fact was that she was much much older than me and we were
complete opposites not just in gender terms but in cultural terms. Think of the biggest cultural difference between two individuals living in Western society, and then imagine that one of those two people is A) jealous of the other for no apparent reason and B) feels like he and she are one.
I am okay being called a he for now by the way LOL it is not something I have even thought about so I just ROLLL with it .....
So this all happened around the time I (presumably) hit puberty. Or perhaps just before it depending on where you draw that line.
In high school my soul mission was to become
super popular with the boys. Yes I have been attracted to boys, sexually, but due to my rigid rules I managed to suppress these feelings and pretend to myself I was attracted to girls.
I never ever "got girls". Never had a girlfriend, even though I wanted one (so I thought). I always wanted to touch girls and be with them, but never had any feelings "for them". Never liked them. Not one bit. Didn't dislike them either unless they were mean to me.
Just wanted to "feel what they were feeling" physically.
I'll skip the rest of school up to year 11 because it is irrelevant and a load of rubbish (skipping all the panic attacks).
In year 11 (16 or 17) when I left school finally, I got an intense sadness for these 2 girls I had barely spoken to.
I felt sad that we had never conversed, and desperately wanted to put things right. Again, I didn't "like" them. Just felt sad.
My soul felt permanently injured,
unless I could
make up the time i had missed out on with these two girls. I obsessed over them like you wouldn't believe.
I just couldn't come to terms that we were different people. And I remember thinking: "if we could just be
friends, just friends then I am a happy man....that's all I ask". Is this A: A mental illness, B: A mystery, or C: Gender Dysphoria?
Since then, so many terrible things have happened that I am barely the same person.
I am crippled with anxiety (specifically tension) and feel like I'm in a horrible dream. I feel utterly isolated. So lonely, and yet most social interaction makes me feel worse, like feel even more alienated than if I just remain a hermit.
I am NOT A HERMIT. I have feelings, I have a soul, and I deserve a future. Maybe this problem is not what is most prominent right now, but trust me I have been searching for diagnoses by psychiatrists and others and all they do is either say "I don't know. You don't fit any box" or say "anxiety disorder", and prescribe sedative pills that make me feel even worse.
Please help. Just some opinions and general advice would be much appreciated
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