Family..

[jossef-ftm]

I don't understand and i'm completely lost , i don't know who to trust no more and who  really care about me i start doubting that my parents love is fake and they hate me...i start to remember things i mean i'm not that person who remember small details about people or what they told me especially you know that kind of people try to tell u something hurt but not directly like if they talk about someone else but they mean you ( i hope u understand what i mean)
Mom always was against me i mean the way i dress and all and she think i'm crazy but i always felt she love me even that (that in the past) i'm almost 25 now and she treat me different she can't control me like before cause im not her little boy no more she's now that peson that will out with me and buy me the clothes i want and even pay for it and she's cool and when i talk about the way i'm she seems more supportive than before and she will tell me ok just be your self but all that is only when we r alone i mean when no one is aroud (the other family member or strange people) but if we are with people or family members she will definitely be with them and even make fun of me and tell that i'm crazy and someday i will act like normal people also if we have a family accasion she will refuse to let me go with her she said that she feel ashamed to be with me front of people or if i follow her there she act like if she is not with me or she will tell all people that (he is a she /she's my daughter) even when people don't ask!! or like she will call my name on front of everyone there so they know the truth i dont know why all that i dont know if she do love me or she never did i want to make sure i take the right disicion cause i will leave soon and this kinda make me in mad pain cause i cant decide if she raelly care and love me or not i tell my self its a lie and she acting but i remember our times together and all cool stuffs she told me ...i don't have a real family or friends she's the only person i have i feel even i will leave soon to an other country that pain will follow me the rest of my life and even i have a gf now i always feel alone ...anyone here deal with a similar situation?

[LordKAT]

I was treated like that with people in school. They would be decent as long as no others were around, but if others from school were around, I was treated badly.


I stuck it out to graduate and never looked back. It may be time to give your mother a choice, either support all the time or disconnect from her until she can.

[Dena]

I understand were you are coming from. When I started cross living my mom would take me to the tall shop and buy clothes as a christmas present but yet would use my male name. I had several Christmases I couldn't come home because my Grandmother was being cared for by my mother and my Mother didn't want me there. I wasn't able to attend my brothers wedding because the other side of the family didn't know.  On the other hand, I now work with her caring for my brothers estate and we are the best of friends. I am considering voice surgery and she even found away to pay for it without touching my savings.  When my sister got married a couple of months ago, I was enlisted as the photographer even though I suspect many of the people there didn't know about me. It was a long haul to get to that point but if you keep at it things will change.

[Contravene]

My family gives me mixed messages like this all the time. I'm sure your mother loves you but she's trying to protect herself and keep up appearances by acting as if she doesn't approve of your gender identity because you live in such an intolerant environment. You should let her know she can't have it both ways; either she accepts you or she doesn't. If you're planning on leaving I think you should anyway, you need to be in a safer place.

[jossef-ftm]

thanks for the replies...and that's so weird and hurtful it's like if someone told you i love you and i'm crazy about you and i will spend my life with you and all this beautiful things then the next day that person will tell you he/she was joking or he/she dont feel like that no more it's the same feeling...i feel she really care about me but only cause she have to and cause i'm her son and sometimes i feel she fear people ,i can't decide and i can't believe it's the same person cause she be so nice with me and even i feel she treat me like her son sometimes and support me but the next day i feel she's not the same person she will tell you why you trying to look like that and that she feel ashamed and other crazy stuffs...i remember before like 2 months she was indirectly telling me that she know i'm into women it was an indirect message but i get it ...but when she get mad even without a reason she will tell me when u will get married like your aunt daughter just to piss me off cause she know i'm not gay and its my default if someone refer to me as a gay she know that make me so angry but she say it to make me mad and hurt me and make me angry and without a reason sometimes i don't get all that i feel i will lose my mind.

[sam1234]

Family dynamics have a tendency to change through out life. I hated my parents prior to my transition. It felt like they were just looking the other way while I was suffering and alone. At one point, my father tried to hug me when I was really depressed and I threw him through the wall. Literally. The truth was, they did notice but just didn't know what to do or how to help.

Your relationship with  your parents will change as you get older. Especially when you are on your own. I transitioned at 26, and afterwards, our relationship changed dramatically for the better. There are things I wish I had not said and I'm sure there are things they wish they had done differently, but that is all part of growing up.

As for school, that can be hard enough for most teens without having to add in the fact that you are different. People handle that differently depending on what else they have going on at the time. IF you aren't popular or a jock, you can get lost in the crowd. Teachers ignore obvious problems sometimes because they are busy trying to keep control of the class rooms.

The fact that you are having trouble doesn't make you weird or stupid. The best thing you can do is to get some assistance in learning how to deal with what is going on in your life. I know that isn't easy. Its scary, you have to face some hard facts and as you say, you don't know who to trust. However, if you don't, you will be stuck with the same problems that you are currently having and with no input on how to handle them.

This may sound harsh, but having been there, its also true. Its very easy to waste years on distrust and fear only to awaken one day and find that you have wasted years. The sooner you can get help, the sooner you can find your way out of the darkness. None of us are truly able to fix our problems by ourselves. We need input from others, especially from others who have no stake in the outcome. Give yourself a break and you might find that the person inside who is trying to get out is an intelligent, compassionate being.

sam1234