Having your cake and eating it too...

[Jessica_W]

Several days ago I dropped the bomb on my fiance, saying I think I have a female mind. This was devastating to hear, just as much as she tried talking me out of it. She says I need help and I agreed to talk to a g t, but I fear they are only going to confirm what I believe to be true... That I have a woman's mind. She's afraid to hear that because she says "I can't be with you if you go through that door.That she needs someone who's not a man." Part of me wants to keep our little, happy world the way it was (before the bomb announcement) because I do love her, do want to marry her, and I like the life we made together. The other part of me wants to let my inner woman out, but its not going to fly with her. I want my cake and eat it too, but I fear I can only have one or the other. I'm hurting inside and don't want our little world to end. Please share some wisdom and comfort. I need it right now. Thanks.

:'-(

[leacobb]

I think you are in a difficult situation. I cant speak to you through facts but i can speak to you as what i would do..

I feel that honesty is the best policy and that if you get the info you think you will get. I dont think you would be truly happy. And that alone may effect your relationship in the future... if you are certain you feel the way you do which by the sounds of it you do i just really think you may need to ask yourself what does your heart really want.. internal happiness or a beautiful relationship which may make you struggle inside

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[traci_k]

Hugs Jessica. The genie's bottle has been uncorked and there's probably no way to put it back in. No matter what you say, she'll always have those words in the back of her mind. You may be able to convince her that you were mistaken and that you're truly male and it may save the relationship but she'll always have a doubt in the back of her mind. Also, for most of us the feelings grow stronger and depression sets in. Can you live with that? Or you try to part as friends and accept the pain and hope for the future. Either decision is going to be difficult.

Best thing to do is talk to a gender therapist and get some help, ultimately though, the decision to transition is yours and from the sounds of it, your fiance won't be with you.  I'm so sorry but you have a difficult decision only you can make.

Hugs,

Traci

[Contravene]

I don't know that I have as much experience as others might in this subject but your title caught my attention because that's something my family told me when I first dropped the "I think I'm transgender" bombshell on them. They told me they would walk out of my life if I considered transitioning or continued my relationship with my girlfriend because I couldn't have my cake and eat it too. I'm not sure why because cakes are meant for eating just like family is meant to be there for you...

Emotionally it was really tough and caused me problems for a while but in the end I realized that it wasn't my decision for them to walk out of my life. My choice would be to transition, marry my girlfriend and still have my family by my side. But it's their choice to walk out on me so I can't stop them if they do. I can only be responsible for my own actions and reactions I can't control or be responsible for theirs, I had to let go.

All you can do is be true to yourself and if your fiancé wants to end things that's her choice. And after all, how can she really know you and love you anyway if there are parts of you that she refuses to acknowledge or accept? If you allow yourself to get pushed back into the closet you could spend a lifetime trying to get back out.

[Dena]

You did something wise and thoughtful. You came out before the marriage and prevented an even bigger problem down the road. We see married couples with kids dropping the T bomb and if the family breaks up, it's hard on everybody.
You may not feel very noble today but what you did was the lesser of two evils.

[Rachel]

You have done a very good thing for her. I know it hurts you and her now but the pain you avoid is 1000 fold.

I recommend seeing a gender therapist and postponing your marriage.

Give yourself time to explore who you are and make every effort to maintain an open honest relationship.

If you decide to transition it is your choice to transition and hers if she can not be with you.

You can not erase who you are and expect to be someone else forever. It will intensify as you age.

[suzifrommd]

Please share some wisdom and comfort. I need it right now. Thanks.

:'-(

You're doing the right thing. Nothing good would come out of spending years pretending to be someone you're not for someone else's sake. That destroys the soul.

But it's hard. Really hard. You have the strength to go through with this, and you have us here.

FWIW, I made the same choice you did and I never regretted it for a minute, even though it means that my 20+ year marriage is gone and I no longer have the woman I've loved the most and longest and who had become my best friend. It's all been worth it.

Hugs, Jessica. I hope this helps.

[Jacqueline]

+ another  POV on "you did the right thing".

I only just came out to myself and then my wife. It took me 3-4 months of therapy to come to a conclusion then finally, with great dread, speak to her about it. I am middle age and have 3 fantastic kids. I love them all greatly yet do have niggling ideas of resentment and guilt that I have to combat no matter where my journey takes me.

If you and your SO love each other enough to share a life, she may surprise herself how far she might be willing to go to save your love. It is a bombshell. For many of us, it has been ticking away within longer than our SO's have been aware. This may take a while to sink in for her. Both the good and the bad.

If you are trans, it will not go away. You will always have it lingering there. Even if you could shove the genie back in. It is a truth that cannot be changed with will power. I thought I had a kink (no offense intended to cross dressing folks) and was a cross dresser off and on for the better part of 40 years (started around . I thought each time I could just be a better person and kick it. Not so much. As I said, I love my wife(best friend) and kids, I can't help wonder what would have happened if I realized before...

This is true of me. I don't mean to hi-jack your thread. I think there are truths to be found from the information I posted about myself. Please, don't see me as being overly dramatic or preaching what to do. It is just my 2 cents.

I wish you luck and acceptance. Both by those around you and yourself.

With warmth,

Joanna

[Jessica_W]

I spoke with my best friend and her husband, both gave me clarity and perspective on many things. It's tough but they pointed out that Jessica has been there in many things I do. One way they said is in the way I write. (I'm an author) and my writing is female minded.

Thank you everyone for the words of comfort and wisdom. I'll keep you posted.

Jessica

[RoseH]

I really feel for you Jessica.
In my honest opinion, your identity is the most important part of your life. You will be depressed if you can not fully live out who you are.
This is not something new in a sense, because you have always had the same brain and way of thinking. This is your personality. Deciding to transition is not going to change your personality (that much).

I'm sorry to say this, and I really don't want to sound rude,but your fiancee might love her picture of you. How she perceives you. If she does not love your true identity, I don't think there's much to do. You have to be true to yourself and love yourself before anything.

Hugs

[JoanneB]

I learned the hard lesson after wife #1 to be more open about my gender issues. I wish I could say it was for the better. I had a fiance that I told before we got engaged. As wedding date pressure mounted from family, she broke. She called things off because I was not a "Real man".

BTW - I've really come to hate hearing the phrase "You're not like other guys" from women.

My current wife of many decades also knew of my GD from day 1. She was supportive to a point. Glad I had no plans for transitioning back then, that I got that out of my system with my prior experiments. SHe eventually even stayed around the apartment those Sundays I needed my escape from maleness. Being a devout sexist, her seeing me presenting as female affected her. For days afterwards forget intimacy of any sort. All she could see was Joanne, not John.

When I needed to drop the T-Bomb on her six years ago, it went a bit better then I thought it would. In her near suicidal state as it was, she didn't off herself, or me. It was a major struggle on both our parts to keep the relationship going. For me it was wrestling with this demon I so wanted to keep locked away forever, but couldn't. For her it was the typical shock, the feelings of being lied to, betrayal, blaming herself for wanting to believe it would never happen, the very real chance I'd dump her and run off with one of my MTF support group members or some guy.

Today I still hear the occassional "I did not marry a woman" along with the new "I can't think of you as my husband with those bumps on your chest". Yet on balance many more basic things about me changed for the better. Her love for me perhaps stronger then ever with the personal growth I achieved as I am finally becoming one whole and complete person.

You can't change who people are. You two can either grow together or grow apart. Each of us need to balance all our life priorities, needs and desires. Or, as I put it, Which Pain is Worse.

[Jessica_W]

Wow Joanne, thanks for sharing that with me. I'm trying to find comfort in all this, but things are still crazy. I'm doubting myself, my world, my choices... It's so hard because there's someone else in my life that my decisions affect. If I were single and doing this, it would be much easier. Ugh. Trying to keep my head up.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support.
*hugs*

[LovelyLuci]

I can totally relate to what your going through, as i too recently came out to my fiance.  I wish i can say its easy, but it really isn't.  Like others have said, once the bottle hath been uncorked there is no shoving it back into place.  Sometimes you need to do what is best for you to prevent an even worse situation in the future.  Honesty really is the best policy, and if someone wants you to hide who you are so that they can be happy then that is an unhealthy relationship.  There may be a bit of a grieving process as she tries to come to terms with your decision, so try and be supportive of her while you also protect yourself.

Be thankful for the person that you have in your life, and hopefully she is strong enough to deal with your transition.  I would love to say that everyone is, but having gone through this process recently i can certainly say that some are not.    Its tough enough trying to deal with a spouse who is non-supportive and wants a man, but imagine dealing with that while at the same time trying to make sure they don't off themselves in the process.  I hope you make it through this, and be the woman that you always wanted to be!  Stay strong

[Jessica_W]

Thank you Lucy :-) I hope the same for you as well.