First time out: Gottcha'

[Melitta]

So last night, after my support group, I decided that I really wanted Olive Garden. A few friends and I started salivating over the thoughts of their menu and decided to go. Now I have not visited many places authentically but I was flying high, I was not nervous and honestly was just on the verge of hangry. So we arrive to the restaurant and shortly after seated. Drinks come out, I am feeling really good. Maybe I am ready to start trying to live 100%, and then it happens. I was clocked. Our waitress comes up to our table and starts off with: "I just have to ask." I could feel the knots in my stomach churn. I knew what was coming up next. "Are you a Drag-Queen? Because I go to play all the time." For those who does not know Play is a Gay bar in Nashville and is very popular.

I was left speechless for a moment. I was so off put because most off all I don't want to look like a boy in a dress (this is one of my worse fears). In my mind my dress and my makeup was on point. My hair looked good and I was ready to roll. Not so much. I explained to the waitress that I was transgender and hoped that she would leave swiftly after. My friends asked if I was ok, I smiled and said everything was ok but on the inside I was torn. I have braced myself to deal with these things but it still hurts regardless of preparation. I just really wish that she would have kept her questions to herself , I just wanted to enjoy my meal in peace with my friends. To make matters worse each time she would come to the table afterwards she treated me like a pet. Calling me babe and only making eye contact with me. A facade behind laughing eyes. 

Im not sure what I was really trying to accomplish with this post. I just needed someplace to share this experience. The hurt is still fresh and the experience is so new to me. Thank you for providing that space.

Melitta

[ChiGirl]

So sorry that happened.  That waitress was extraordinarily rude.  Hopefully, it won't stop you from going out again. Just remember how good you felt until then.  That's the key.
Good luck and hugs!

[Devlyn]

Big hug! I understand wanting to be seen as who you are. But you know the way that server made you feel?  You're making me feel that way right now. I'm a boy in a dress, and proud of it. Your server at least made it clear they were confused by the terms.  You understand the terms, and still say that being someone like me is your worst fear. I'm sorry you had a bad day. Now I'm having one. So let's heal together.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Mariah]

Big Hugs. So sorry things didn't go as you hoped, but don't let that stop you from being the authentic person you are. Devlyn, big hugs for you too.
Mariah

[Dee Marshall]

I think I would have left her a note at the end of the meal attached to a better than average tip. It would say, "asking a customer personal questions can result in tanking your tips. Be careful!"

[Dena]

We also used to go and eat after group and I suspect many of us could be spotted. I never caught anybody eyeing us but one night did bring about a change in our treatment. I think there were about 10 of us there that night and after we were done, we all threw money into the pot for the bill. We counted the money and the tip was almost equal to the bill so as the bill was covered, we handed the full amount to the waitress who vanished to the back in order to process the cash. About a minute latter we heard a high pitched feminine scream come from the back where she had vanished. I am sure word got around that we were nice people and in the end, that's all I care about.

[Eva Marie]

I am so sorry this happened, but I see something good in it - you have encountered and survived a very stressful situation as your authentic self, showing a lot of grace. That's commendable since you are really just beginning your journey.

Yes, she was in the wrong and she was either a bigot or she just didn't know any better and you took the time to educate her. As a result maybe if there is a next time she'll show some sensitivity.

You must not let this get you down - I got clocked lots of times when I first started going out - most of us do. You persist - you keep practicing your makeup, dress, voice, and mannerisms and you keep being your authentic self and sooner or later the clocking lessens or you get to a point that you realize that it just doesn't matter to you because you ARE being authentic - what other people say or think has no relevance for you any longer. They can take you or leave you and it doesn't bother you one whit - you developed some thick skin.

Adopting the attitude of "I'm concerned about ME and am not worried about YOU think" is critical to us because we have spent far too much of our lives trying to please others, worrying about what others think, and trying to be who they wanted us to be - leading us to live a false life for them. Going forward - just be the best you possible and disregard what others think - they aren't walking in your heels and they don't know the depth of the struggles that led you to where you are today - therefore they have no right to judge you.

Devlyn - I'm sure that no offense was meant by Melitta - she had a very rough experience and probably wasn't thinking that much about what she said and what effect it might have on others when she wrote this. We all fit under this umbrella and we are all members of this family.

[Melitta]

Big hug! I understand wanting to be seen as who you are. But you know the way that server made you feel?  You're making me feel that way right now. I'm a boy in a dress, and proud of it. Your server at least made it clear they were confused by the terms.  You understand the terms, and still say that being someone like me is your worst fear. I'm sorry you had a bad day. Now I'm having one. So let's heal together.

Hugs, Devlyn

Devlyn,

I am sorry that I hurt you with my vernacular. That was not my intent. I know many people who is happy and proud to be known as a boy in a dress. I am not among them. In fact that sentence has been the very thing that has stopped me from transitioning for so long. Because everything about my 'male' body is off putting to me. That when I am able to lay down social standards and wear and present fully there is still the denial and guilt in my head: Will others see me how I see myself? That is as a woman not a man. And personally I dont want to be seen as a man or as a man in a dress. There is nothing wrong with identifying that way but I do not. I am so very sorry and will limit my experiences on this site so not to make anyone else feel this way. After feeling that way myself I cant stand the thought of making someone else hurt.


Everyone else, thank you for your support.

Melitta

[RavenL]

Oh Melitta, I'd just focus that you were brave enough to go out and that you did it! That server was super rude and should have kept her thoughts to herself. Keeping the customer happy should have been the goal not being nosy. You have a lot more control then me. I would have left a good tip but put it in a glass for waiter. Along with a note saying "If you would have been nice."

Hugs from Raven

[suzifrommd]

Hugs, Melitta. I spent months getting myself to passability, and only had a couple of people do what the waitress did (always in LGBT spaces). I hope it will be your last.

In situations like, that I put my educator hat on and explain to them the difference, and how most of us would prefer it not be a topic of casual conversation. Doesn't always work, but makes me feel better.

It does get better.

[Devlyn]

I want to apologize to you for my response, Melitta. I know your night out was diminished by the encounter with the server. Put it behind you if you can, and remember we're on a journey forward. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Melitta]

Thank you all for your kind words. I will not let this experience deter me from continuing to live a healthy authentic life. I gathered my courage and the next day went to the grocery store, the park, to Office Max, and Goodwill -all positive experiences. I am also planning on starting college in the fall as Melitta... I went ahead and transferred to the University that I want to graduate from. I am so nervous but so happy at the same time.

Melitta

[Espeon1990]

Sorry to hear that. I'm not transitioning yet but one of my biggest fears is to be mistaken for a woman in man's clothes so I definitely sympathize. Don't let people get to you.

[RevanDFS]

I hope your feeling better today Melitta.You should be proud of yourself. For being you. But think about it this way great friend there for you  .  I only gone out with some make up  and my nails done. But I always make sure I have my purse with me. My neighbor tour me down for wear nail polish, New lipstick I got that day and pink phone case. It sucked.