Hi, I'm new.

[jh37]

I'm Henry, I'm 14, and I live in the U.K. I found out about ->-bleeped-<- a few months ago, and I really want to be a girl. I've never been sporty, and I think I'm quite feminine, I want to be called Kate. I always have had dreams about waking up as a girl and having loads of girl's clothes. I'm not comfortable with my body and things seem just to get worse and worse. I get jealous of girls' clothes and hair a lot.

I did tell my mum a while ago, but she didn't really believe me and nothing has happened, she thought it was a phase. I am very anxious and there are times when i feel really sad and just want to cry. I go to an all-boys school and i have 2 brothers and no sisters, so i just have to hang-out with guys, but i often feel like i'm different to all of them. I'm not sure what to do.

[Mariah]

Hi Kate, welcome to Susan's. I can totally relate to being anxious when I first came out I was terribly anxious. I can imagine being in an all boys school would be hard. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

[Dena]

I'm Henry, I'm 14, and I live in the U.K. I found out about ->-bleeped-<- a few months ago, and I really want to be a girl. I've never been sporty, and I think I'm quite feminine, I want to be called Kate. I always have had dreams about waking up as a girl and having loads of girl's clothes. I'm not comfortable with my body and things seem just to get worse and worse. I get jealous of girls' clothes and hair a lot.

I did tell my mum a while ago, but she didn't really believe me and nothing has happened, she thought it was a phase. I am very anxious and there are times when i feel really sad and just want to cry. I go to an all-boys school and i have 2 brothers and no sisters, so i just have to hang-out with guys, but i often feel like i'm different to all of them. I'm not sure what to do.

Hello Kate and welcome to Susan's Place. You are where I was many years ago but you have options I didn't. If possible you need to have your mother take you to a doctor where you can talk about it. I don't know if it's possible for you but there are drugs available that will block the changes from the male hormones but to get them you need to be under treatment. Without these drugs you would still be able to make the transition but it will be harder and more costly. In addition, therapy will help you express your feeling and take some of the burden off your shoulders. No child should have to suffer with a problem like this and sadly if you have to, you will lose the remainder of your childhood and have to become an adult far to soon. Let me know if I can provide any additional help. Once I post to this thread I will be notified of any updates to the thread so feel free to ask questions here.

[V M]

Hi Kate 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[katrinaw]

Hi Kate, Welcome to Susan's

I too hailed from the UK many years ago, packed my bags in 87 and came out to Australia. I used to also wish I could wake up as a girl... right through till adulthood, and still on and off through too 

Funny came out to Australia to try and forget about my desires and be more manly... big fail!

Look forward to seeing you about the forum's..

L Katy 

[Matthew]

Welcome to Susan's!

[Laura_7]

First, have a big *hug*

You could contact the mermaids, its a group specifically for young transgender people:
http://mermaidsuk.org.uk
"We offer information, support, friendship and shared experiences."
They also say they help explain to parents.

They can be contacted via phone and email.

And you could look here for a few resources:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,186732.msg1662810.html#msg1662810

keep at it...
and I'd say keep asking questions... alone writing often helps...
remember a lot of people have done this and been successful
you're one of many...

have another *hug*

[Julia-Madrid]

I did tell my mum a while ago, but she didn't really believe me and nothing has happened, she thought it was a phase. .......
I'm not sure what to do.

Hello Kate-Henry, and welcome here.

While there are some good comments in earlier posts, it may be useful to consider first and foremost how to deal with your mother and the rest of your family.  I can fully understand why parents are skeptical, and you need to be able to show that you are serious and have considered this very carefully.  So my suggestion is that you spend some time and do a little research and create a plan for Kate.  Consider these things:

1.  Why do you feel that you are transgender?  It's a difficult question to answer, but I'd suggest that you think about how you feel inside, how you feel around boys and girls, and how you would want to be in your dreams.  And write this down.  Please bear in mind, when you say things like "I get jealous of girls' clothes and hair" this could be seen as a young adolescent who just wants to be closer to people of the opposite sex, which is probably not quite what you mean.

2. Would you be fully willing to transition to living as a female full time?  It's not something you are obliged to do straight away, but it's awfully frustrating to be a secret girl, isn't it.  So, how might you do this?  Make some assumptions like you'd change schools, and you would get support from your new school to start as a girl.  But propose how you might go from being Henry to Kate in the public eye.

3.  Show that you have thought about undergoing hormone and gender surgery in the future.  These are not obligatory, but you need to think carefully about what this means, as it's no picnic.  Your mother would want to see how deeply you have considered changing your body so radically.

4.  Show that you have thought of the social consequences of changing gender.  Although socially we have made great advances as transgender people, there are some challenges to be met.  And as women, we are clearly not equal to men, and you need to be able to accept what this could mean.

5.  Propose a roadmap:  you would need to consider therapy, since nobody considers treatment to minors without a psychologist.  Practically, you'd need to look at the NHS gender clinics or the few private ones to support you going forward,  and they work slowly, unfortunately.  And then there's the question of puberty-blocking drugs, which may be indicated in your case.  Then you'd need to consider how and when to begin becoming Kate in your family and public world.  And so on.  If I was a parent with no knowledge of transgender issues, if my child just came to me and said something like "I think I feel like I'm a girl", I'd probably ascribe it to puberty.  If my child came to me with a plan for a 4-8 year transition, I'd take her seriously.

I hope some of this makes sense.

Good luck
Julia

[gennee]

Hello Kate and welcome to Susan's.

[Dena]

Thanks to your cry for help, I got an idea for a letter to give to parents that might help you express what you don't have the words or knowledge to do so yet. I am going to post it somewhere else to see if others can add improvements to it but for now I am providing a first draft in the hope it will be useful to you.

To the parents of the child bearing this letter.

The fact that you child is in possession of this letter indicate your child as done a great deal of soul searching as well as a number of internet searches coming to the conclusion that he/she is suffering from a condition called Gender Dysphoria. This means that the gender of the body fails to match the gender identity of the child's mind. You should not draw any conclusions at this point because it will take time in therapy to understand exactly what this means to your child and what the proper path of treatment should be. For the moment as parents, you need to show your child your love and support in dealing with this problem because your child could be feeling embarrassment, fear, depression and is very unsure of the future.

There are some things you need to understand now that will help comfort you and help to deal with the future. This is not your fault or the fault of the child. Our current understanding indicates that this condition is caused by exposure of the brain to the incorrect sex hormones before birth. This locks the gender identity into the brain for life and there is no way to alter it. It is very much like a birth defect but it is inside the brain instead of visible. Some children are aware of this issues as early as three years of age but most everybody figures it out when they hit puberty. The older a child is the more social pressure forces them to attempt to conform to what society expects of them. They act out what society expects from them instead of naturally fitting into the role. Often this results in a great deal of depression and discomfort with their body. It is very possible for you child to be cheerful on the outside but crying on the inside. This isn't a phase your child is going through and the longer it is left untreated, the more remaining childhood will be lost. Children with this condition have to become adults fast because they need to decide if their parents are adult enough to handle information of this nature. Often they make mistakes only to find their parents are far more accepting than they thought. Sometimes they carry this secret to adulthood and may even marry before their feeling can no longer be contained.

There is a study that indicates left untreated, 2 out of 5 children will commit suicide rather than admit to what they perceive to be a failure in life. The only good thing about that statistic is that less than 1 in 400 children is born  with Gender Dysphoria so it isn't very common in the population. As your child has the condition. Treatment is very important to help your child survive.

The treatment your child will require can't be determined without therapy and not everybody takes the same path. All treatment starts with therapy to understand what form the Dysphoria takes. If it appears reassignment is a future option, drugs will be provided that block the production of sex hormones. This will stop the sexual development of the body which will greatly reduce the money, pain and effort that would be required for your child to fit in the opposite role. Should your child find a way to live in the current role, the drugs would be stopped and your child would return to normal development. Your child can't decide to alter their gender until they are considered legally an adult so often the child is allowed to start cross living in the new role long before they are of age. This helps stop the discomfort with their identity, allows them to return to what is left of their childhood and helps them understand what living in the new role will be like. Unfortunately switching roles sometimes brings out the cruelty in the other children resulting in a different type of pain for your child. This is why your love and support will be needed more than ever.

We are a group of people who understand there is no right answer to this question and each person must answer the question with their answer. We don't judge and we understand how very hard this letter has been on you. We are extremely kid safe and the moderators run one of the strictest web sites in the world. Your child will need others who have been through the process of discovery to deal with the feeling that they are all alone in the world. We also welcome adults who want to understand what their child is going through and most of us are willing to answer any questions about our transition or the life style we have chosen. We would like to offer our assistance in guiding through this difficult process and we will not judge you. Most of us have been through this with a parent or loved one and only wish to make the process easer on you and your child.