Marly : I'm sorry to have made it sound scary; I should probably add that while transition wasn't a lot of *fun,* it was definitely worth it every step of the way - during and after. I actually went into it feeling that this was something I wanted rather than needed, and I didn't regret anything. But it was sort of like buying a new car for me, in the "want that turns out to be a giant scary hassle to achieve" way.
There was a lot of fear and change and bureaucratic hassles and constant anxiety, but each step also rewarded me with feeling more content and more secure.
I keep telling my story in large part because I wish someone had told ME back then that it was possible to choose to transition (emphasis on "choose") in order to be happier and still have it work out well, versus being forced into it by desperation and depression. And I suppose a curse I chose is different from one imposed on me, though it still wasn't the most relaxing year of my life.
I also am infinitely happier afterward, more so than I would have believed pre-transition. A lot of very subtle unhappinesses were erased even though I might not have been able to identify them as gender-related, if that makes sense. I'm not pushing you to transition either, mind you, and I think everybody needs to make the decision that works best for them at the time. Just trying to explain that if my past self had come to me saying things like you are now [and I did think things like that at the time], my future self would want to tell her "Oh, hell yes, you'll be so grateful you did this." But then, if we could see the future, most decisions would be easy... and you can't know any more than I could have whether you'll appreciate having transitioned.
