Hello Everyone, Im new and need some support/help

[jenniferlynn82]

Hello Everyone,
                       Im Jennifer, at least thats the name i can associate with. i came on here cause im lost and ive come to seek like minded individuals to find a group that would understand my situation and meet new friends.

My Life as of right now is complicated. I have grown up different my whole life, something didnt seem right and i knew that from about the age of 6 or 7 (from what i remember). ive always mentally thought of myself as a girl, i was raised around girls and was always jealous. i wanted to wear the same clothes they had and i didnt feel right in my body even when i was 6 or 7 but i wasnt old enough to understand why. i grew up and kinda just pushed it aside trying to life my life as everyone want me to, to portray the life of the boy i was physically born as. In high school that feeling came back strong and cause alot of depression, but i couldnt do anything about it. i didnt have a dad, and my mom would never understand how i felt, even as it was she never supported me or was sympathetic in any way. going forward a few years i moved out on my own and tried to live my life as a man, having kids, and getting married. I wasnt happy on the inside, i battled depression and anger for the life i was living and the body i had, but i kept it bottled up , because no one would understand if i told them the truth. As time went on the inner girl in my wanted out of my male shell, and this time i didnt go away. I struggle with trying to find a way to be whole, to be the person i believe i was meant to be from day one, a woman. i dont live alone, and everyone who knows me wouldnt understand what im going through and my fear is rejection, to be shunned, cast out. Im pretty sure if i came out i would be homeless with no where to go. I want to escape and run away to start a new life, to start working on becoming the woman i want to be, maybe i waited too long, maybe i will never pass as a woman, look like a man dressed in women's clothes, but i cant continue to live my life the way i have any longer, i need to do something.

Has anyone had a similar experience or experiencing this right now. what do i do?  Is there a place i can run to with people that will accept me with open arms helping me make that transition and give me that support i need LOL.

[Mariah]

Hi Jennifer, welcome to Susan's. Your among friends now. Your experiences are very common. Many of those experiences I have lived through myself too. I was always jealous of my sister and what she was allowed to do and where. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

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[JenAco]

Welcome Jennifer! I am new here too and after reading your story it sounds a lot like mine.  One thing I've learned is you can always find someone who will support you, even if it's here on this forum. I have gained a lot of knowledge over the last few days that is very helpful.   I'm willing to bet you will be able to meet people local to you that are in the same situation.   I wish you luck!

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's place. Parts of your story ring true to all of us but you are missing some information. Nothing was said about age or job ability. Most of the work and money needed to solve you problem will have to be provided by you. This means if you are young enough, you need to get as much education as you can so you can find a better paying job. If you are older you need to be working instead of being supported by somebody else so nobody can make you homeless. I you have children, you need to be sure they are taken care of.  Transitioning is a slow expensive process and many here worked years to reach this goal. All have found ways to cross live and support themselves before surgery. The best advice I can give you is start planing your life. How are you going to earn money and be free from others? What is a reasonable plan for you to become a women. We are here to help you with idea but you have to find the script for your new life and make it happen.
If I can provide knowledge that will help you accomplish this, let me know.

[V M]

Hi Jennifer 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[jenniferlynn82]

Welcome to Susan's place. Parts of your story ring true to all of us but you are missing some information. Nothing was said about age or job ability. Most of the work and money needed to solve you problem will have to be provided by you. This means if you are young enough, you need to get as much education as you can so you can find a better paying job. If you are older you need to be working instead of being supported by somebody else so nobody can make you homeless. I you have children, you need to be sure they are taken care of.  Transitioning is a slow expensive process and many here worked years to reach this goal. All have found ways to cross live and support themselves before surgery. The best advice I can give you is start planing your life. How are you going to earn money and be free from others? What is a reasonable plan for you to become a women. We are here to help you with idea but you have to find the script for your new life and make it happen.
If I can provide knowledge that will help you accomplish this, let me know.

Thank you for that, what you have said has crossed my mind many times.
I am 33 and i have been working since i was about 19. recently i was laid off from an industry that i was in over 10 years, refusing to work min wage i started to go back to school to pursue nursing. I have made a plan in my head, but that would involve moving somewhere new, across the country, different state, to start new and begin my journey and transition. it seem right now that is almost impossible. My kids are very well taken care of so i am not worried about that, and as selfish as it may seem, i need to do this for me. i live in a city where everyone knows everyone. i just need to start new so people can get to know the real me, not the person they think they know. that would mean finding work in this new place, finding a place to live, etc. i understand only i can support my lifestyle but to change from what im doing now and just up and run away, i cant do alone. i have no one to relate to and no one that would understand, which is part of my struggle of almost not even trying.

Thank You all for your kinds words. Even if i can live out my fantasy online with a group of people who know where im coming from , then i guess that is better than nothing. at least its a start.

[Dena]

Thank you for that, what you have said has crossed my mind many times.
I am 33 and i have been working since i was about 19. recently i was laid off from an industry that i was in over 10 years, refusing to work min wage i started to go back to school to pursue nursing. I have made a plan in my head, but that would involve moving somewhere new, across the country, different state, to start new and begin my journey and transition. it seem right now that is almost impossible. My kids are very well taken care of so i am not worried about that, and as selfish as it may seem, i need to do this for me. i live in a city where everyone knows everyone. i just need to start new so people can get to know the real me, not the person they think they know. that would mean finding work in this new place, finding a place to live, etc. i understand only i can support my lifestyle but to change from what im doing now and just up and run away, i cant do alone. i have no one to relate to and no one that would understand, which is part of my struggle of almost not even trying.

Thank You all for your kinds words. Even if i can live out my fantasy online with a group of people who know where im coming from , then i guess that is better than nothing. at least its a start.

Many people have transition in place and made it work. Most of the time people are very accepting but sometimes they are not. In my case, I had to move from Phoenix to Anaheim because no medical care of any kind was available in Phoenix at that time. In addition, at each phase of my transition I had a layoff/job termination that messed up my well made plans. I experience a good deal of isolation and only had the company of my family when I returned to Phoenix for Christmas. I would gladly transitioned in Phoenix had the option been available. Yes people would have talked but they would have been able to meet the new me. I would be a much happier, friendly and relaxed person than the one they knew before. I think they would have like the new me better than the old because I sure do.

We all face fear when we are dealing with the process of transition and running away from it is the worst thing you can do. Facing your fears will allow you to conquer them and you will never have to face them again. Leaving the your location seem to be an escape but a new location will come with it's own set of problems. In the big city, neighbors don't know neighbors like they do in the small towns. People go to work, go home and lock the door and it is rare you ever see your neighbor sitting on the front porch. With many people around you, very few ever meet you. I feel the need for social interaction in my neighborhood and I have approached 5 people. Of these 5 people, only one interacts with me and that's because she stays at home all day and is bored.

As the saying goes, be careful what you ask for because you might get it.

[jenniferlynn82]

this may be hard to understand, but this past week , i fee like the whole life i have lived thus far feels foreign to me like it wasnt mine, i feel like i have been living someone else's life. Now as i write this i feel like someone else , someone who has awoken and now feels the need to break free and be the person i was meant to be all along. my physical appearance disgusts me now as before i was unintentinally accepting who i was because i knew no other way to be, i felt likei had no other options, but now my disgust brings great depression and sickness of my outer shell. please excuse my ramblings, i have no where else to vent at this very moment in time.

[Dena]

Actually it isn't that hard to understand because I have feeling it for a few months now. In the years post surgical, socially I have been living in the shadow of my roommate. She passed away two years ago and I am now over the grieving and I find myself wanting more that just a day to day existence. I want to be with people that at least at first are not aware of my history so they can get to know me as I am instead of by my past. My mother who is a big part of my current life won't last forever and I want to develop these coping skills now before I need them. For me, it simply a matter of cleaning up my image and joining a social club a short distance away from me. I will find out if I can be a social animal for the first time in my life and maybe have some fun in the company of strangers.

As for your physical appearance, people here have found many different solutions to problems and are willing to help. All this takes time but if you are willing to work at it, you might be surprised at what the future holds for you.

A week is a very short time in the transition process. You are still getting over the shock of self discovery. If the depression is bad, see a doctor about it but in a short time you will be ready for a new future and we can help you get there.

[katrinaw]

Hi Jennifer,

Welcome to Susan's....

To take your last statement first... yes we are a big multi-national loving family, everyone can share seek advice and get support here, that's what we are about...you may well find there are others on the forum who reside close by, so an avenue to F2F contact and friendship.

I knew I wanted to be a girl from very early on and by the time I was 5'ish I had seen the differences, or more to the point I really noticed the differences, however I grew up in a male predominant family, only one of my cousin's was female, hence until we shared a bath at around 4 or 5'ish I did not have a clue on anatomical differences... I went through so much Dysphoria way back then and growing into adulthood. However I did push it back and control it and tried to make myself fit, married etc... leading to a complicated life and situation now for a little bit longer, and the Dysphoria is re-surfacing, but under control... well for the moment!

And yes, the escape and run away to start a new life as me was always there, but guilt, leaving a young family and the rest made / make it very hard to really do it, although some do and some have found it beneficial all round.

Finding LGBT groups can help and I do know how you feel... oh so well!

Really look forward to seeing you about the forum's... and please reach out to all...

L Katy