Hi my name is Molly. I am a new member and feel like I have found a place in the wilderness where I can be my true self. After reading many of the post it is great knowing I am not alone!
I am another late bloomer in that I am 56 years old and finally beginning to deal with the emotional and physical issues of being a woman stuck in a mans body.
I was born and raised in southern california, and except for my time in the Air Force and a few years living in Oregon, I have lived mostly in Los Angeles.
My personal story includes being married three times, I remarried about three years ago after being devorced for ten years. In retrospect I missed a great opportunity to pursue my feminine side prior to my marriage. I have three daughters, one grandson, and two sisters.
I first started dressing in my mothers clothes at about five years old. Over the next fifty years I bought and threw away many womans wardrobes I had acquired out of fear of being "caught" or self-loathing and shame. I didn't understand what I was suppressing.
I grew up in very conservative and traditional hispanic family. My family is filled with people who are intolerent and dimissive of anyone who is different. So I learned to hide my true self and to suppress any urge to be a woman.
My story is similar to many I have read in the blogs: As a child I didn't fit in, I wanted to play with the girls (dress-up, dolls, house, etc) and I didn't enjoy playing with the boys (I had no interest in boy activities). So of course in trying to fit in and be one of the boys I went the extreme and was super macho boy problably because inside I knew I was a fraud.
I remember as a child (and as an adult) fantasizing I was a girl/woman, trying to imangine what life would be like if I were born with a womans body, and then feeling depressed because I was a boy. Today I fall asleep dreaming about being a woman. In the last year or so it is becoming an obsession which is scaring me. In the last six month I have been more active in exploring myself, my desires, my destiny.
For the first time I bought silicone breast, have been actively shopping for a wardrobe, learning how to put on make-up, plucking my face, shaving my underarms and partial legs, and trying to learn to walk, move, and think like a woman. It is exciting and scary.
During the last six months I have slowly come to the conclusion I need to find a good therapish and begin talking about my life/situation for clarity and direction.
I love my wife and don't want to hurt her or go through another devorce so I feel "stuck" in a way and don't know how to move forward. Hopefully time spent with in therapy will help.
As far as sexual orientation I self describe myself as a male lesbian. I am attracted to woman and believe if I were to go throught SRS I would still be attracted to woman. But then of course I wonder what it would be like to be with a man if I had a womans body. As Alice would say, oh everything is so terribly confusing in Wonderland.
The internet is a wonderful tool. It has opened up a whole new world for me. I am discovering many people with histories like mind and who are on their personal quest to correct natures mistakes (being a woman in a mans body).
Just knowing I am not alone is a liberating feeling. I am saddened to think I wasted my life being something I'm not and I believe If I had pursued my dreams as a young woman I would have been really bueatiful.
I could go on and on, but this is starting to ramble too much for my taste. Over time as I participate in various post more of who I am and who I become will come out.
I would like to thank all of you out there who are helping to create a community of sisters where we can support on another and maybe save some of our younger sisters from having to live a life of fear or shame.
P.S. I went out in public as my feminine self for the first time about three months ago and it was fantastic - I felt like I was free, it felt sooooo good.
Anyway hello and have a great Christmas and a good New Year.
Molly
