Photo - These all girls luncheon/dinner meetup situations. How do you socialize?

[Evelyn K]

Anyone else find these settings unnerving?

What teh heck do you do when all girl discussions come up?

Examples:

"Periods"
"Who has the worst cramps"
"Other women's parenting skills"
"The children"
"Favorite XXX videos to watch with the 'boyfriend'"

And gawd forbid if a discussion about my "young woman" past comes up.

"So Evelyn, what college sorority did you belong to?"

Or if a woman asks in X-rated "girl code", "Did you have fun last night? Was he sweet? " o.O

And the anxiety sweating begins....

[yayo]

Sounds really cliche imo like out of a movie. Mostly me and my friends just watch TV or go places and they're all down to earth and edgy so our conversations are def not about babies lol. Sometimes we bitch about guys but relationships are apart if life and you're supposed to share your life with friends.

Just fine some women more your speed or just make male friends.

[Evelyn K]

^^ lol! No really, I think girls really do like to talk about these 'girl issues', like they're competing, such as who has the worst periods, "Oh for me it's a breeze, they're so light I don't even notice..."

"We hate that chick!"

[yayo]

^^ lol! No really, I think girls really do like to talk about these 'girl issues', like they're competing, such as who has the worst periods, "Oh for me it's a breeze, they're so light I don't even notice..."

"We hate that chick!"

Some maybe i guess? The only time my friends bring it up is usually when they're actually on it. Its not offensive to me regardless why would it be? Its just a bodily function. Just say you're on the pill so you rarely get yours

[Evelyn K]

Yeah I get that.

The thing is, newly post transition I feel like I need to take the advanced transwomen's class now, if there existed one. lol.

I have no idea where to turn except internally for experience (which I have none) and I'm only now realizing how little of the exclusively women's domain socializing I really know.

It's jarring sort of like culture shock when you're in a new foreign country.

[yayo]

Yeah I get that.

The thing is, newly post transition I feel like I need to take the advanced transwomen's class now, if there existed one. lol.

I have no idea where to turn except internally for experience (which I have none) and I'm only now realizing how little of the exclusively women's domain socializing I really know.

It's jarring sort of like culture shock when you're in a new foreign country.

Yeah see i never had male friends so that may be why im just used to it. I grew up with a lot of sisters too and i was very feminine and liked boys and just generally related better to girls.

I can see why you'd feel like a fish out of water if you spent most of your life socializing with guys.

[Emileeeee]

Act like a prude that doesn't talk about any of that stuff and let them train you in how it's done.

[iKate]

"Periods"
"Who has the worst cramps"

I just kinda avoid the topic and stay silent, or I say I don't have them, but people know my status anyway. But they don't talk about this a lot, do they? I have had it come up in conversation now and again but it's not usually the focus of discussion.

Besides, I kinda do have ups and downs with my hormones so I may mention that. I also take the opportunity to talk about my journey and they find it fascinating. Being open helps.

"Other women's parenting skills"
"The children"

I have kids, so this is a non-issue. Talking about kids is my favorite topic, actually. Also, trans women can adopt kids and be parents, and not all cis women have kids. Again, non-issue.

"Favorite XXX videos to watch with the 'boyfriend'"

Um, well I don't have a boyfriend yet, but when I do, I will...

And gawd forbid if a discussion about my "young woman" past comes up.

"So Evelyn, what college sorority did you belong to?"

Oh yeesh, I wasn't into greek life in college. I was a nerdy engineering student. I actually had an interesting college life and did a lot of cool things. But was never into greek life.

Or if a woman asks in X-rated "girl code", "Did you have fun last night? Was he sweet? " o.O

And the anxiety sweating begins....

I guess when I reach the bridge of dating men post-op, I will figure that out, and I'll be excited to talk about it too.

But really girlfriend, you're overthinking it. Be natural and let it flow. I am the master of conversation with anyone and it helps that most of my close friendships have been with women. Making male friends has been and continues to be really awkward for me. The only reason I have a few male friends now is because of my LE past career and my gun club.

[stephaniec]

I don't really think its much of a problem. Just go with the flow, cramps are cramps no different. Everyone knows about periods , they bleed. boyfriends are sweet or horrible. College life is college life , breakfast , lunch diner , class , library . Then there's always the well, to be honest  I happen to be transgender.

[April_TO]

Hi Evelyn,

I understand your anxiety when talking to a group of women as this is a daily occurrence for me inside and outside of work. I say the conversation has to stay organic, if you have nothing to share just give them a smile. I believe the more you fabricate stuff i.e. giving scripted answer the more this will create unnecessary stress that you don't need.

Just live life and have fun - nothing is more valued than being authentic.

Love,

April

[Evelyn K]

But really girlfriend, you're overthinking it. Be natural and let it flow. I am the master of conversation with anyone and it helps that most of my close friendships have been with women.

I wonder if things would be easier if the group I'm with knew my status. But since I'm undercover, I'm realizing that not being able to confidently speak through a girl spiel life story is going to raise suspicions or make me seem distant and disconnected from the sistership.

Maybe I can be the REALLY SHY reserved type girl. But who wants to be that...!

I don't know, maybe I am thinking too much. I haven't sat in with all girl groups yet where people are more or less strangers. There where usually some males.

What I'm envisioning is groups of women I'm with who are mostly strangers, perhaps after a conference or a guided city tour. I'd assume things would be cordial with a lot of small talk, so that should be easy to navigate.

If real bonding opportunities starts to begin, and I'm trying to be stealthy, that's when the specter of actual sisterhood like conversation makes me realize I have a giant hole in that part of my life to speak fluently about.

Or I could just say, "Well guys I have to come clean. I'm trans..." but I wonder how much more damaging that could be instead of just winging it.

[snip]

Making male friends has been and continues to be really awkward for me. The only reason I have a few male friends now is because of my LE past career and my gun club.

I haven't had a single male friend since 1995. I never felt comfortable around men. My best friends where women. But I was a guy. =\

[Valwen]

I had a similar subject come up right after I came out to this woman. I am a geek so it's she and so once she know I asked her what she talks to normal women about, basic answer nothing really. Manure nails or current life events but ones interests and hobbies make up more of a conversation than gender.

Serena

[Jill F]

I had a similar subject come up right after I came out to this woman. I am a geek so it's she and so once she know I asked her what she talks to normal women about, basic answer nothing really. Manure nails or current life events but ones interests and hobbies make up more of a conversation than gender.

Serena

This, my friends, is why I always wear gloves when I do my gardening.  Ewwww!

(Damn you, autocorrect! LOL)

[Violet Bloom]

This, my friends, is why I always wear gloves when I do my gardening.  Ewwww!

(Damn you, autocorrect! LOL)

...and wear rubber gloves for those 'special' bedroom activities?

[kittenpower]

I wonder if things would be easier if the group I'm with knew my status. But since I'm undercover, I'm realizing that not being able to confidently speak through a girl spiel life story is going to raise suspicions or make me seem distant and disconnected from the sistership.

Maybe I can be the REALLY SHY reserved type girl. But who wants to be that...!

I don't know, maybe I am thinking too much. I haven't sat in with all girl groups yet where people are more or less strangers. There where usually some males.

What I'm envisioning is groups of women I'm with who are mostly strangers, perhaps after a conference or a guided city tour. I'd assume things would be cordial with a lot of small talk, so that should be easy to navigate.

If real bonding opportunities starts to begin, and I'm trying to be stealthy, that's when the specter of actual sisterhood like conversation makes me realize I have a giant hole in that part of my life to speak fluently about.

Or I could just say, "Well guys I have to come clean. I'm trans..." but I wonder how much more damaging that could be instead of just winging it.

[snip]

I haven't had a single male friend since 1995. I never felt comfortable around men. My best friends where women. But I was a guy. =\

I'd like to play the devils advocate and say that what if the women you were out with suspected you were trans (anything is possible), and you are telling them about your last period, or something else that we will never be able to experience, and then when you aren't there, they start talking about you, and agree that they do not have an issue with your being trans, but they just can't deal with the lying.  So, just add things that are true, and there won't be any problems; you don't have to say that you are trans, and no one will ask, or may not even suspect, but just in case "honesty is the best policy"

[Evelyn K]

^^ Yeah I know right?

And women aren't stupid, they can always load a question or call you out subtly somehow and try to get you to slip - if they suspect.

Trying to be stealth in conversation is a whole new ball of wax with transitioning I guess.

[Laura_7]

Well I'd say its about closeness... imo they tend to share a few things, and give the other a feeling of being understood...

concerning your past, one possibility would be to say you didn't like it... and are glad its over... and talk about current subjects...


hugs

[Zoetrope]

Oh, I just talk about inappropriate things, like I always do.

I love talking about men :~) I can do that for hours.

Apart from that, I am openly trans, so that is always a conversation point. I talk with women about what we have in common. Which is a lot!

[Evelyn K]

Oh, I just talk about inappropriate things, like I always do.

I love talking about men :~) I can do that for hours.

Apart from that, I am openly trans, so that is always a conversation point. I talk with women about what we have in common. Which is a lot!

Let me ask you, did you ever sense that their interest in your being openly trans during casual conversation had a soft-transphobia undertone in any way?

Let me explain. A friend might address you by name first, "Sarah how was your date last night?" vs "So.... Sarah how was your date last night?"

You get it? It's like, that trans conversation point is more of a conversational amusement factor for them (softly patronizing) and isn't quite a genuine heartfelt interest. As if your being trans is their entertainment, like if you're not too weird they'll carry you along, but the words fly behind your back with the other gals.

I'm pretty sensitive to these nuances and can usually tell if transphobia is lingering in someones words. It's one way to know if I'm passing or not.

[Zoetrope]

Let me ask you, did you ever sense that their interest in your being openly trans during casual conversation had a soft-transphobia undertone in any way?

No, not at all.

If somebody takes issue with me, they are hardly going to attempt a friendly conversation.

Those who do talk with me and ask questions are genuinely interested, and I am not on guard about going there with them.

I take people at face value, and go with gut feeling. I offer people my trust, not my suspicion.