An Interesting dilemma that I don't remember ever being posted.

[Cindy]

As long term members know I am a married transexual woman whose wife is seriously disabled. She and her carers accept me totally (she is in high dependency care).

As most people know I am an out and about normal women in my society who doesn't shy from anything. My wife knows that and accepts it. She even has photos of Cindy in TV interviews, newspapers etc on her wall in her nursing home room.

Her accident was a freak (aren't they all). She was the chief Admin of a large community mental health organisation. Went home Christmas day 15 years ago and never returned. Her accident, tripping on a carpet and breaking the back of her skull happened 26 December 2000. Yes we went through Hell but that is not important.

Most (99%) of her colleagues have ignored her. I'm not surprised, that is how people react to horror. No blame, it just is.

Now they are having a reunion. She has been invited and in doubt if she wishes to go. Firstly she will be in a wheelchair for a few hours that will be physical agony for her after awhile. Secondly none of her ex colleagues know the her husband Peter is now her partner Cindy.

She is not ashamed of me in any way, in fact she is proud of me for being me. I'm not ashamed of her, in fact I am more than proud (and amazed) of her for facing her life. ( I couldn't)

She is worried about how people may react. She can't describe that fear, or to what.

Fear for her changes, that are dramatic. Or mine, which are equally, if not more stunning.

I'd like your thoughts.

Cindy

[LordKAT]

Could it be that she fears being overwhelmed by questions or rejected by peers rather than ignored?

I think, if I were in her place, I would fear losing respect for the active person I was and being treated as dumber rather than just disabled.

[Cindy]

Could it be that she fears being overwhelmed by questions or rejected by peers rather than ignored?

I think, if I were in her place, I would fear losing respect for the active person I was and being treated as dumber rather than just disabled.

I was thinking that, she wants to go. I think in many ways she wants closure.

I understand why 'friends' give up on people but .... people need closure. I think part of her wants to confront and who will be more confronting. Me or her?

[LordKAT]

Horse a piece on who would be more.

I can understand wanting closure.

Daniel was scared of the lions too, but he prevailed.

[stephaniec]

Well, my opinion is that you should go. The probability of being a bad experience is about zero, People will probably really try to make her comfortably if anything to leave a good impression for her. As far as you being there as yourself, your a celebrity fighting a good cause so that's a big plus. Lastly  I'm guessing all these people have something to do with mental health, I wouldn't think it could be a better situation to give her a good time.

[big kim]

I'd go,if it get's to much leave.I f you don't go you'll probably wish you had

[suzifrommd]

Cindy, it will be awkward. People won't know what to say or how to react, either to your wife's disability or to your transition. They'll feel uncomfortable because they don't want to offend or say the wrong thing and they don't have any experience with this sort of thing.

Some will get over the awkwardness, some will keep their distance because of it. Some may also feel guilty for ignoring your wife all these years.

Some people can't handle awkwardness. Other people don't mind, and some relish it as a fascinating social experiment. How it will be for you and your wife depends on where on this scale you fit, right?

[Cindy]

Suzi,
Thank you. That is my dilemma. If my wife wants to meet her ex friends I think in many ways it would be good for her, and for them. Rebecca needs closure. So I think do her ex colleagues. I am in many ways the complication. I cannot not be her partner. She wants me to be. Neither of us have any 'shame' we are who we are, after all we have grown through our grief and changes.

I doubt others have any concept of that. Our what they growth in a relationship means.

I suppose at some level I am worried whose sensibilities am I concerned about. But I admit I am in a quandary.

It is interesting. In the what do I do way.

I have a strong sense of F* them. Let them face life as my wife and I have had to face it. At a another level should I protect them. Sorry my words are so inadequate to describe my feelings. And thoughts.

I will as ever settle, but I thought it an interesting dilemma that I face.

[Dee Marshall]

Cindy, you don't need to protect her friends. They're adults, that's their job. They work in or near mental health. They've seen more of us than most people, not because more of us are Ill, but because, once it's known that you're mentally ill, you tend not to care what other things people know about you.

You do need to protect your wife, IF that's what she wishes. You say she doesn't know what makes her apprehensive, but you can remind her that you're there for her every step of the way. She's a strong woman, your stories have told us that. She only really seems to need you not people she left behind years ago.

You need to protect yourself, but you never seem to fear stepping in, proudly, and saying "I'm Cindy, and if that's too much for you p*** off!" Your stories have told us that too.

If it were me, I would go.

[Emily R]

Cindy,

I think your wife should go for closure, and you should definitively should be there accompanying your wife and not for yourself. 

Emily

[Athena]

IMO your wife's comfort and well being are paramount here. If she does want to go for closure and doesn't mind the discomfort then I say go for it. It might rekindle some friendships that perhaps she misses, and if both of you are strong enough to handle what might come the others direction then I see no reason to be concerned about others sensibilities.

In this I would have to say that you can only support your wife and the choice she makes.

[Cindy]

An update. And yes I cried.

It is Saturday here and as usual I visited Rebecca, fed her and we laughed and joked.

She then said she had been thinking of the catch up, she then said.

You have faced everything, I can't imagine how you must have felt turning up for work, facing people everyday, smiling and keeping going. Never hiding, letting people know you are a transgender woman and staring them down, going on TV and revealing yourself to the world. Never giving in.
I have seen the pain when you are called 'he' I see you shrug it off and keep fighting.

I love you and I have never been ashamed of you or for you. I see how happy you are and our relationship has blossomed.

I thought how could I ever live with myself if I didn't face the people I use to work with even though they ignored me. How could I ever be ashamed of facing them with the woman who is my partner, even though they know I am married to a man.

Let's call C and tell her are we are going.

And you had better look really hot because I'm going to get dressed to the nines and we will be the two hottest women in the place.

<I've been married for 33 years and she still surprises me with her capacity for love>

[Ms Grace]

That's great - the two of you will stun them senseless!

[katrinaw]

You are both strong determined people, I reckon it will be good for Rebecca... for both of you.

L Katy

[Jennygirl]

Awwww!

That's just wonderful, thanks for sharing!!

[Jessie Ann]

That is fantastic Cindy!  I hope you and your wife have a great time. 

[Dee Marshall]

Generally, Cindy, you're an inspiration, but your wife has you beaten hands down. I hope you both have the loveliest time!

[Rachel]

I think you and your wife will be received very well and welcomed. The two of you will be the hit of the reunion.

[rosinstraya]

I think it's the right decision- it must be, it's your decision! You will be there for each other, the others will all want to be with you both.

I hope it all goes fantastically well - and that you both get suitably frocked up! 

[GingerMaxim]

If I can say with my 2 cents is GO GO GO.