Hey everyone, I am not new just forgot my login anddd the mail. So gone it is my old account.
When I started with the hormones I thought everything could only get better.. but I was very wrong. Giving me many questions which are best to ask here since well.. In my daily life most just don't understand the struggles.
I got a few questions, with a small explenation beneath it:
When should you tell someone you are trans?
I noticed, which is a good thing, most people do not know anymore. Everyone sees me as the tall girl or the weird one which, well, I had loved to be smaller but it happens. No one adresses me as a guy anymore. I go to parties, flirt, have fun, meet people. Many people do not need to know. From my opinion if I go out.. I do not have to tell everyone. If someone kisses me, he kisses me. Not the gender thingy for what I still need surgery for. Since many men think they are gay only because of that.
But now it has happened I gotten closer with someone and we kissed. Beforehand (thinking it was all just friendship) we decided I could crash at his place. It was going to get late. In bed he tried to have sex from me and as I am not I rejected him. Messaging him the day after why I rejected him.
He gotten pretty upset. He said regretting all we did and.. it hurts.. I still got a crush on him ... and it also really made me wonder as of when I should tell anyone I am transgender? Does it differ to you being pre or post op? Just curious as of what others think of it.
With that came another insecurity
I now.. feel guilty being transgender. I feel as if even when traveling I should just shout out loud what I am, just so that everyone beforehand knows what I am.. but I do not want everyone to know I am transgender. It ruins the whole idea of finally being able to be myself.
What to do with family?
From the start I decided to involve them. Even before anything and I only had the thought, I told many of my family. Now 4 a 5 years further.. Nothing has changed. They use my old name, call me he and keep telling me how I am just transitioning doing my own thing and complaining way too much as of how they don't do anything to make a change. Saying how hard they have it and I do not bring them with it at all.
So.. I kinda gotten to the point where I feel I have to leave my family behind. Not because I want to.. but because they clearly will not change and wether I tell anyone in the future or not.. I cannot visit them. It hurts. I cannot bring anyone to them, they will out me or if he already knows, make it very awkward and uncomfortable. Honestly.. it scares me and makes me sad but I got enough of constantly being blamed while I tried from the start to involve them with everything. I had enough.
The internet and my (new) name
I changed my name, officially. My gender also, although I do still wait on surgery.. i hate how long it takes.
Anyhow. My name now looks very similiar to my born name. I did this because it felt right, closest to myself. Even now it feels comfortable and I wouldn't want to lose it .. but.. I figured out that my full name only exists ever since I took it. My old name is also the only version. Thus.. searching for my full nowadays name, Google wants to correct it to the old name and even though every picture and profile has been deleted. The pages are still there. They just refer you to an empty page. You still see blurry images or even good quality images even tho they are off the website. You even find things so old as sports I did or the places I lived at registrated at old schools and what not which just are impossible to all remove.
I am going to ask my therapist when I see him again soon.. but what would you do? I do really like my name but it feels as if I am forced having to change it or anyone ever hearing my full name can look me up, and with a little bit of extra search figure out I am transgender, might know what I looked like and what I all did. Esspecially also because I do not want to keep my whole history to myself.
Sorry for the lots of text but if you had the time to read it, please also answer. It would be very much appreciated because I feel a but stuck on what to do and the guilt and insecurities past month or so are overwhelming =/.
Moderator Note: This message was cross posted across two boards, topics merged into the later post board, cross posting is against our ToS (12)... Thanks...
