Hi. So this is gonna be a bit of a rambling, but if you've got the time and want to give me your 2 cents, I'd really appreciate that..
Might be triggering for some people, with talk of dysphoria and stuff
I can't remember questioning my gender when I was a kid. I did typical "boy activities" and hung out with my mates and friends but I didn't really think about gender and "boy and girl".
Then I hit puberty and things started to feel wrong, I didnt want breasts and the period, it just wasnt for me. And then, when I was 13, I was called a boy, and he, only twice, and it was the first and last time before I cut my hair. But I remember thinking wow, that felt good, right. So 2 months after I decided to cut my hair short. I lived like a boy (at least people that didnt know me thought I was one) for 2 months before realising I was attracted to boys and figured I couldnt be a gay boy born in a "female" body.
I grew my hair long and started to wear make up and the like. For the past 5 years I've lived as a girl, and I've been okay, I guess. No extreme dysphoria, except for "hitting the wall" 3-4 times a year and thinking "this isnt right" before looking in the mirror, seeing a girl, and coming to the conclusion that it just have to be right because thats just how it is. But, unconciously, I've been drawn to males. Not just because that's what I'm attracted to, but also because thats what I want, the male body. When imagining myself in a job later in life, I've always first thought about my self as a suit dressed guy, going to work as a dude. Then I realise, and I change it for a girl, cause, hell, I'm obviously not a guy, just look in the mirror. And I've always, since seeing Oliver Twist, wanted to run away. But not just that, I've wanted to run away so that I could cut my hair short and be a guy.
6-7 weeks ago I cut my hair short again, (I'm 19 btw) . I'm 5' tall, so I look like a 12 year old, but I "pass" maybe 30-40% of the time, which isnt too bad considering everything. I've come out to about half of my familiy, after they've straight out asked me if I want to be a guy, and in a way it just feels so right. On the other side, I feel like it's "safer" to be a girl. The past couple of months I've been very dysphoric, and I've hated what I've seen in the mirror. But it also makes me doubt my self, because I see a girl in the mirror, and it's like I just cant wrap my head around the fact that I'd feel more comfortable as a guy, and it makes me think that I'm just making it up. Can I force my self to be trans? Is that possible? I know that if I could wake up tomorrow as a cis guy, I'd want that, no doubt. But I'm doubting my self every step of the way. When I go to bed at night, I know who I am. But when I wake up every morning, I don't. I just feel like me. I know I'd prefer to be percieved as a guy, but when I wake up in the morning I dont really feel like a guy.. You know? I'm just me.. And I dont know if wanting to be percieved as something and identifying as something is the same? Maybe I'm just tricking myself into thinking I am a guy because I don't particurarily feel like a girl?
And at the same time, while wanting to be a guy, I feel like I'm grieving for the girl I was for 5 years, and that I'll probably never be again. I mean, that girl, that was me. Or at least, who I thought I should be. Even tho I had those times a year where nothing felt right, I felt okay most of the time. Sure, the past year was extremely confusing, and I went from hitting the wall 3-4 times a year, to 3-4 times a month, to 3-4 times a week. But still. Life as a girl was "easy". It's easy being a girl when you do things that are normally consideres masculine, and you thrive at them, when you're good and people notice because "you're just a little girl, doing all this stuff as good as the guys". And I guess I like that, you know? Being "not normal". And then being a guy scares me, too. At least, being a stereotypical guy, the one that everyone expects all guys to be. Outgoing, confident, always know what to say or what to do, social and just basically a though guy. And even tho I think maybe that's something I'll be better at as a guy because I'll feel more in my element, I'm also scared I'll never be confident and outgoing and the like. My mom told me it's probably easier to be a little cute lady, that a little cute guy. And in a way I guess she's right.. I mean, I am gonna be a 5 foot guy, with an ass and hips..
But.. I'm just so confused. I dont know what I'm doing or what to do. Right now I'm waiting for my referal from my doctor to a psychologist so that they can refer me to the only gender clinic in the country (I'm from Norway, and we only have one public hospital that deals with this sort of stuff. No private clinics or anything.) And this means I've only got one shot at this, and here, you either get no diagnosis, or you get transsexual or unspesified trans. Unless you're transsexual you wont get any treatment at all.
And.. Yeah.. I don't even know what I'm asking.. I guess I just want some help to maybe sort out my thoughts..
