Hi. So this is gonna be a bit of a rambling, but if you've got the time and want to give me your 2 cents, I'd really appreciate that..

Might be triggering for some people, with talk of dysphoria and stuff

I can't remember questioning my gender when I was a kid. I did typical "boy activities" and hung out with my mates and friends but I didn't really think about gender and "boy and girl".
Then I hit puberty and things started to feel wrong, I didnt want breasts and the period, it just wasnt for me. And then,  when I was 13, I was called a boy, and he, only twice, and it was the first and last time before I cut my hair. But I remember thinking wow, that felt good, right. So 2 months after I decided to cut my hair short. I lived like a boy (at least people that didnt know me thought I was one) for 2 months before realising I was attracted to boys and figured I couldnt be a gay boy born in a "female" body.
I grew my hair long and started to wear make up and the like. For the past 5 years I've lived as a girl, and I've been okay, I guess. No extreme dysphoria, except for "hitting the wall" 3-4 times a year and thinking  "this isnt right" before looking in the mirror, seeing a girl, and coming to the conclusion that it just have to be right because thats just how it is. But, unconciously, I've been drawn to males. Not just because that's what I'm attracted to, but also because thats what I want, the male body. When imagining myself in a job later in life, I've always first thought about my self as a suit dressed guy, going to work as a dude. Then I realise, and I change it for a girl, cause, hell, I'm obviously not a guy, just look in the mirror. And I've always, since seeing Oliver Twist, wanted to run away. But not just that, I've wanted to run away so that I could cut my hair short and be a guy.

6-7 weeks ago I cut my hair short again, (I'm 19 btw) . I'm 5' tall, so I look like a 12 year old, but I "pass" maybe 30-40% of the time, which isnt too bad considering everything. I've come out to about half of my familiy, after they've straight out asked me if I want to be a guy, and in a way it just feels so right. On the other side, I feel like it's "safer" to be a girl. The past couple of months I've been very dysphoric, and I've hated what I've seen in the mirror. But it also makes me doubt my self, because I see a girl in the mirror, and it's like I just cant wrap my head around the fact that I'd feel more comfortable as a guy, and it makes me think that I'm just making it up. Can I force my self to be trans? Is that possible? I know that if I could wake up tomorrow as a cis guy, I'd want that, no doubt. But I'm doubting my self every step of the way. When I go to bed at night, I know who I am. But when I wake up every morning, I don't. I just feel like me. I know I'd prefer to be percieved as a guy, but when I wake up in the morning I dont really feel like a guy.. You know? I'm just me.. And I dont know if wanting to be percieved as something and identifying as something is the same? Maybe I'm just tricking myself into thinking I am a guy because I don't particurarily feel like a girl?

And at the same time, while wanting to be a guy, I feel like I'm grieving for the girl I was for 5 years, and that I'll probably never be again. I mean, that girl, that was me. Or at least, who I thought I should be. Even tho I had those times a year where nothing felt right, I felt okay most of the time. Sure, the past year was extremely confusing, and I went from hitting the wall 3-4 times a year, to 3-4 times a month, to 3-4 times a week. But still. Life as a girl was "easy". It's easy being a girl when you do things that are normally consideres masculine, and you thrive at them, when you're good and people notice because "you're just a little girl, doing all this stuff as good as the guys". And I guess I like that, you know? Being "not normal". And then being a guy scares me, too. At least, being a stereotypical guy, the one that everyone expects all guys to be. Outgoing, confident, always know what to say or what to do, social and just basically a though guy. And even tho I think maybe that's something I'll be better at as a guy because I'll feel more in my element, I'm also scared I'll never be confident and outgoing and the like. My mom told me it's probably easier to be a little cute lady, that a little cute guy. And in a way I guess she's right.. I mean, I am gonna be a 5 foot guy, with an ass and hips..

But.. I'm just so confused. I dont know what I'm doing or what to do. Right now I'm waiting for my referal from my doctor to a psychologist so that they can refer me to the only gender clinic in the country (I'm from Norway, and we only have one public hospital that deals with this sort of stuff. No private clinics or anything.) And this means I've only got one shot at this, and here, you either get no diagnosis, or you get transsexual or unspesified trans. Unless you're transsexual you wont get any treatment at all.

And.. Yeah.. I don't even know what I'm asking.. I guess I just want some help to maybe sort out my thoughts..

If it helps, I relate to most of what you are saying.  I'm much much older, have always been attracted to males and didn't realize that not only being transgender was a thing but I could do something about it. What you want to do about it is totally up to you.  I  don't know how to deal w Norway ' s medical studf. Good luck w figuring it out. Also, large as and hips will eventually change on T, especially if you work out. Mine has. From 48" hips to 40" hips in 7 or months and still going down.

You could have a look here and the link there for a few thoughts that might help you:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,188309.msg1674885.html#msg1674885
(its for a mtf person so some things may be the other way around)

I'd say listen to your feeling within...
what you feel would bring you joy...

sometimes other people play on our fears...
its possible to identify as man with a smaller frame...
and you don't have to be all manly and stereotypical... just relax...
its completely ok to show emotions for example and have some nontypical pastimes...

usually there is a blending... parts of your old being will stay, parts will expand...
some people compare it to a male/female twin, where parts may stay the same...


hugs

Greetings to Norway... and wish you a nice midtsommer next week...

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Welcome to Susan's Place. If you are trying to put your thoughts in place it might help if you go to youtube and request "the transition channel" . It will give you a quick education on transsexualism. If you fail in your country, help is available over the internet but as you are in another country it may be limited to therapy. Good Luck

tobiasah, transgenders are ftm, mtf, and everything in between.  There are ftms who only go on T and never have surgery, there are ftms who never go on T but have top surgery.  It's all depends on what's your dysphoria and what you want to do about it.  I guess your best bet for now is to see a therapist and figure out your dysphoria and go from there.
Hope this help.   

Jack

((hugs))

I'm only gonna be on here for a little bit today, but I really relate to where you're coming from so I feel the need to respond. everything you're saying makes sense, and I really have experienced a lot of these things.

I did the same thing, I chopped my hair off one night in a fit of dysphoria - it's therapuetic. and I've definitely done the same when it comes to trying to live as a girl. when you look in the mirror and feel diconnected from the reflection... you think that shouldn't be happening, you know something's wrong, but you act like it's okay and you settle for "she" and "her".

Quote from: tobiasah on June 14, 2015, 02:36:27 PM
On the other side, I feel like it's "safer" to be a girl. The past couple of months I've been very dysphoric, and I've hated what I've seen in the mirror. But it also makes me doubt my self, because I see a girl in the mirror, and it's like I just cant wrap my head around the fact that I'd feel more comfortable as a guy, and it makes me think that I'm just making it up. Can I force my self to be trans? Is that possible? I know that if I could wake up tomorrow as a cis guy, I'd want that, no doubt. But I'm doubting my self every step of the way. When I go to bed at night, I know who I am. But when I wake up every morning, I don't. I just feel like me. I know I'd prefer to be percieved as a guy, but when I wake up in the morning I dont really feel like a guy.. You know? I'm just me.. And I dont know if wanting to be percieved as something and identifying as something is the same? Maybe I'm just tricking myself into thinking I am a guy because I don't particurarily feel like a girl?

okay, you somehow managed to put the past couple years of my life into words.

fear is one of the strongest emotions out there. especially when you're trans, the fear of the unknown and the fear of screwing up your future is pretty much always there. you can't escape it. but with that being said, you also can't let it control you.
nobody can pin down your identity except for you. I wish I could say with conviction "your gender is ___" but you're the only person who can really say that. if you feel like a guy, you're a guy.

don't let fear hold you back. if you're happiest as a guy, you need to allow yourself to jump headfirst into the abyss of trans-ness no but in all seriousness. fear is necessary to keep us safe and alive. but so is comfort in our own skin. you can't let anxiety stop you from being yourself and living as your true self. every trans person I know has doubted themself at one point or another, it's natural.

transitioning is terrifying. you're changing what the world once knew about you. but the little girl everyone saw you as before? that's still you. yeah you identify in a different way, but you still have the same interests, the same thought process, the same skills, the same soul and the same heart. I often worry that I'm going to be leaving my past behind completely, but that's just not true. things can change, like your name and pronouns, but who you are will always stay the same.

and if who you are is a guy, it'll hurt more to keep that concealed and live a lie.
don't let fear and doubt hold you back.

hang in there.
<3

Hi and welcome.

That person you 'just are' lying in bed in the morning - that's you. And so is the one who's had their first gendered interaction of the day that felt wrong because the other person made an (understandable but) incorrect assumption about your gender. As is the one who goes to bed knowing he's male. You'll always have a bit of your life in that first category. Since identifying as a girl/woman seems to be an option that's closed to you, what's left to decide is how much of your life you want to be in the second, 'jarringly wrong' category.

You don't necessarily have to know what 'right' is, nor have it all figured out the first time you talk to the psych. One of the best parts of life is discovering it, and becoming more yourself over time. Which is to say, hang in there.

And good luck with your appointment.

Thank you very much to everyone!
I realise that figuring out gender is hard and that there's no "right and wrong".
It felt really good to just get this of my chest and see and read that other people can relate to what I am feeling. It makes  me feel less alone in this complicated word.

So thanks!

If you grow a beard after you get on hormones you won't look so young. I am a young looking 25 year old transman, pre hormones. I'm also 5'1, but I want to get more into bodybuilding and I'm sure I'll grow a beard on T, because all the men in my family are capable of growing full beards.

Quote from: tobiasah on June 14, 2015, 02:36:27 PM
" The past couple of months I've been very dysphoric, and I've hated what I've seen in the mirror. But it also makes me doubt my self, because I see a girl in the mirror, and it's like I just cant wrap my head around the fact that I'd feel more comfortable as a guy, and it makes me think that I'm just making it up. Can I force my self to be trans? Is that possible? I know that if I could wake up tomorrow as a cis guy, I'd want that, no doubt. But I'm doubting my self every step of the way. When I go to bed at night, I know who I am. But when I wake up every morning, I don't. I just feel like me. I know I'd prefer to be percieved as a guy, but when I wake up in the morning I dont really feel like a guy.. You know? I'm just me.. And I dont know if wanting to be percieved as something and identifying as something is the same? Maybe I'm just tricking myself into thinking I am a guy because I don't particurarily feel like a girl?"

I'm so glad someone else feel like this too. I'm constantly second-guessing myself but the feeling of being more comfortable as a guy doesn't go away, so I guess I'm not making ut up after all, and I don't think you are either.

Oh and I live in Sweden and the trans care here is similar, so I understand that you're concerned with the different diagnoses.

I can only hop on for a second, but I just wanted to reach out and say, friend, this is very much my story as well. You are not alone, not by a long shot. I've got twenty years on you, but we've experienced similar things, and if you want to message me, please do.

Take care.