Trans-phobic parents keep leveling selfish at me

[Cute Ida]

Hello everyone,

     My parents still don't accept my transition or address me by my preferred name and pronouns. I've been

transitioning for almost 4 years and been on female hormones for almost 3 years. My parents are the only ones that

don't accept it. My siblings, coworkers/employer and friends accept me and address me as the woman I am. My

parents refuse to do that. They won't even call me Ida. My mom has come around more than my dad. My mom calls

me by an old nickname rather than my old name. Both of my parents still refer to me as he. My girlfriend met my

parents a month ago when I came down for mothers day. They confused her because she only knows me as a woman.

For the last year a half I've been allowed to come down for holidays and birthdays. However recently I was told that if

I came down for fathers day I have to wear pants as I am still not allowed to wear skirts or dresses and recently I was

told that I cannot come over in jean shorts (which is what I did last summer). Its going to be hot on fathers day 79-81

that day. Lately my parents have been leveling the word selfish at me. They keep telling me that I'm selfish because of

my transition, my choices in life and that I just want to be treated like any other woman. They also call me selfish for

wearing women's clothes around them at all.



   They've told me several times that they love me but they don't want Ida, they want their son back. My dad's health

has deteriorated a bit cause of stress and my parents have been blaming my transition as the reason for the stress

rather than everything in his life (husband, father, grandfather, employee, ect). I know my parents are the ones being

selfish not me. I cannot tell them they are the ones that are wrong and selfish cause they won't hear of it. I've

considered breaking ties with them once before but didn't. However I am considering it once again. How do I deal with

my parents blaming my transition for my dad's stress and how to deal with my parents leveling selfish at me? Any

advice would be helpful.

[Kassie]

I would cut all contact with them   I believe their negativity is not good for your health and you can only worry control yourself  perhaps you need to show them tough love
What do your siblings other family members or friends say?


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[Cute Ida]

Hi Kassie,

Thanks for replying to my post. My siblings say I should just wear the pants cause my parents will still allow me to come over for the holiday. Other family members: my parents don't want the rest of the family to know I'm trans. The only family that know I'm trans are my parents, brother, sister and my sister's daughter (all five live in the same house). My friends and coworkers: its mixed. Some say wear the pants, some say don't and others say just do what you feel is right.

[Jacqueline]

Cute Ida,

What a tough situation. I am sorry it is so hard.

I am early in my journey and not out to my family yet. I can only imagine.

I don't have a good answer or even suggestion. Perhaps you could not keep open contact but also not burn the bridges to your parents. People have come around before.

Are you currently in therapy?(my favorite question) I can't help but think they could help you sift through feelings and come  up with a long term plan. Perhaps a short term one leading to a longer range one.

I wish you luck with this.

With warm thoughts,

Joanna

[stephaniec]

Well, there is always tough love. Write a letter to them , tell them everything that's on your mind about the situation, tell them you love them , but you have your own life. they can either accept you or say goodbye, you'll always be there for them ,but you have a right to be who you are.

[Cute Ida]

Hi Joanna50,

Yes, I do have a therapist. He's trained to deal with ->-bleeped-<- and asperger's syndrome. I was seeing him once a week then once every two weeks. Cause things had been going great the last 2 and a half months he's been seeing me once a month. I see him again on June 16th (tomorrow). I've been going to him for almost 2 years.

[Cute Ida]

Hi Stephaniec,

I hadn't thought about a letter. Its a good suggestion though. If I do cut contact with my parents, they say I will also be required to cut contact with my siblings and niece. My sis is my strongest supporter. Its a really complicated situation.

[Laura_7]

Well its up to you what you say since you know them best...

you could have a look here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,188297.msg1674844.html#msg1674844
and here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,180045.msg1658077.html#msg1658077

for a few ideas...

imo it comes down to them thinking that you chose this and that they can by remaining stubborn somehow get the idea of a son back.
The fact that they do not completely cut off communication might be at least a slim sign.

It could be stated that:
-being transgender has biological connections. its not some kind of choice.
Connected with that, its not their fault, the fault of the internet, or whatever.
And more and more people get used to the idea. ( Sometimes a point, what some other people might think ).

Some people make a comparison to a male/female twin... with character traits like the sense of humour staying the same...

If someone would be born with a visible birth condition people would be called to help... so its something that needs to be accepted.

Here is a letter from a transgender parent:
acceptingdad.com/2013/08/05/to-the-unicorns-dad/
This is reall emotional stuff... if you feel like it call one of the helplines...

What it comes down to its their decision how they react... we can't change people, we can just make offers...
and look after ourselves, if necessary....

Some people use a letter or email, some people try a talk...

its up to you...


*hugs*

[stephaniec]

are your siblings and niece old enough to make their own decisions. If they are they shouldn't allow themselves to be used like that unless they agree with what your parents are doing. If they do agree with your parents you'll just have to extend the tough love to them, Tell them also you love them and want them in your life , but if they can't except who you are what's the point , but the door will always be open for them.

[Cute Ida]

Hi Stephaniec,

My siblings are old enough to make their own decisions. I'm 32, my sis is 27 and brother is almost 22. My niece is only a year and half. They don't agree with my parents not accepting my transition but they don't dare rock the boat either. The reason my siblings say to wear the pants is that its better to compromise and wear the pants than not being allowed to come over at all. Like a lesser of two evils.

I don't think our parents have told them that if I cut contact with mom and dad that I have to cut contact with them too. I guess my parents didn't have a reason to tell them that cause there was no danger of that happening yet. I think its part of empty parental threats they occasionally make. My siblings live at home. My sis has only lived away from home for a couple months, my brother hasn't moved out yet. I'm the only one that doesn't live with all of them. What it boils down to is my parents rules for coming over and keeping in contact with them. I'm pretty sure that If I did cut contact with my parents my sister would still keep in contact with me but discreetly.

[Jill F]

Your parents are the ones being selfish here.  They are also being bullies and manipulators.  It also sounds like they really need a checkup from the neck up more than you do.  If they'd look at facts and try to understand the nature of gender dysphoria instead of burying their heads in the sand while playing the victim card, everyone in your family would benefit.

At first, my parents were mortified about what what people would think of THEM when I came out.  They pretty much freaked out and their knee-jerk number one concern wasn't for my well-being, but for possibly getting jabs from their friends and family members over my trans status.   They even went as far as giving me a list of whom to never tell (and I never did  ).  The good news was that I have a cousin who is pretty much the biggest socializer and gossip of all time who not only did it for me, she took it one step further and told everyone that my parents were being pretty freaking lame about handling it.   As expected, I lost a couple of drunkles (no biggie), but it turns out that most of the people that my parents were mortified about finding out about me were 100% supportive and in turn gave them a reality check about being transphobic, especially toward their own daughter.  When they got the gist of the family's feedback through the grapevine, they began to fear that they were the ones who were about to be disowned, and I think they finally began to understand that I am truly an adult (age 43 at the time  ), my own person, and well, "My life, my rules." 

At the end of the day, my parents decided that they would much rather have a happy daughter than a dying, miserable son who nearly succeeded in taking a dirtnap.   After taking time to process things, they realized that all the problems that I ever had (and believe me, "problem child" didn't even begin to cover it) could be traced back to gender dysphoria.  Once they saw me as Jill for the first time and saw me smile and laugh, I think they finally "got it".  Then something amazing happened- we no longer avoided each other like we had since I was a teenager.   We wouldn't talk for months or even see each other for years before, but now we talk more than once a week and see each other in person every few weeks. 

I'm taking my formerly estranged father to the Dodger game on Sunday, and my parents are staying in my guest room that night. 

Anything is possible.  Are you out to all of your parents' friends and relatives yet? 

Hugs,
Jill

[KimSails]

Ida,

First, I would not acquiesce to their demands.  Be who you are.  I would tell them that you will dress how you choose.  If that means that they choose not to see you, then that is *their* decision. You love them (presuming that is true) and would would like to see them (presuming that is true) but you have to be the person that you are.  If they can accept you and respect your person (using the name Ida and female pronouns, not making negative remarks, etc) then you will visit.  If they choose not to do that you will politely stay away.

I would not argue with them about it. I would not negotiate with them about it.  I would not let them negotiate with you through your siblings. I would be firm in taking a stand, but soft in voice. I would not raise my voice, or come across as argumentative. Tell them nicely what you want and let them choose.  If they tell you they accept, but don't act that way on Father's day, then politely leave.

however you choose to approach it, I hope it works out for you.

Kim

[Katiepie]

Ida,

You are who you are and no one can say otherwise. I would say family is important, as it should be...but at the same time if they cannot accept who you are, then who are they to decide what you wear and how you act. I know I am still in early pre stages. No hormones, no therapy, et etc.. but what I can advise is this.
If they truly understand who you are, they would accept you no matter what, and would have you over wearing whatever you wanted (though exempt on this is provocative or no clothes) and wouldn't give you trouble as such.
Approaching them and talking to them as who you are, in whatever clothes you feel comfortable in, plainly state that if they cannot meet you halfway at a pure minimum, you will have to break ties with them. If they cannot love you unconditionally, then they are pushing you further and further away.

I do not have experience with the unaccepting parents from being transgender, but I know when I met my significant other, and had eventually married, my mom was unaccepting, and despised her like crazy, my whole family was pretty neutral on the whole thing. But in the ways that I broke ties with my family back then, had moved to Georgia, to Southern California, had very limited contact, and very brief when it came to talking. Later on when my wife had said that I should talk with my family or at least call more often, so I did, and pretty much "bam" accepting.
My story is different than what you are trying to go for in the whole as acceptance for who you are and not who you are with. But what I am getting at is warn them that what they are doing is pushing you away, and if they keep persisting you will go away, they will realize eventually of their own mistakes, and slowly recuperate to want you back in their lives, but as you are and not as you used to be.
I hope I can help with this.

Let's all climb aboard the choo choo train to happiness
Kate♥

[LizMarie]

They are not demonstrating love, regardless of what they say. They love a mirage, their mental image of their son. They do not love YOU.

Cut your ties with them. Don't nail the door shut, but tell them you're done with them and they can re-enter your life any time they choose to accept you as you are, and any attempt to do so still insisting you are their son will be rejected.

Yes, it's painful. But it will be worse for you if you keep these people in your life constantly attacking your identity.

Just cut them off.

[VeryGnawty]

So, they are trying to dictate to you what clothes you wear and they are calling you selfish?  It sounds to me like they are the ones being selfish.  It's extremely selfish to think that you have the authority to tell other people what clothes they can wear.

This word:  selfish.  I don't think it means what they think it means.

[iKate]

Have to agree with LizMarie here. They want a mirage, they don't want you.

You are Ida.

I have cut off family from my life for acting in a controlling manner and they've mostly come back.

My dad still doesn't talk to me because I'm trans but he'll come around eventually. If not, well I am sorry but he won't see me completely happy for once in his life and THAT is selfish.

[Dena]

I never had to decide between my parents and myself but the answer would have been myself. Once I went full time I had no intention of wearing the old clothes, changing my hair or dropping into the old voice. Now I did miss somethings like my brothers wedding but that was a case the brides large family not knowing and I was ask not to show instead of being ask to appear as a male. I kept the lines of communication open because my relationship with the family would change from one event to the next.

Sometimes there were advantages to missing events. One year I wasn't able to return for Christmas so my roommate and I went to Yosemite in the winter and saw something that few people see. If you have to miss an event, it may be an opportunity.

Through determination I have wore down all resistance and am permitted to attend all family events including a few I didn't initially plan to attend.

[Laura_7]

Depending on what the OP already has explained, I'd write a letter... stating a few facts... so that they have the chance to understand and come around.

If they don't, its their decision.


*hugs*

[Mariah]

As others have pointed out, it's your parents who are being selfish and not you. Your doing what you need to take care of your own health and problems. If they can't understand that, then that's therre problem. I agree that writing them a letter and explaining how you feel about how they are treating you might help and if they still don't get it when they clear don't deserve the love of their wonderful daughter. I can only hope someday they will come to appreciate you for who you are. Good Luck and Hugs.
Mariah

[TimothyG]

All I have to say it this.  Family is important.  You love your mother and your father.  Dressing different for a few hours won't hurt you.  Fathers day is about your father, not you.  Can you wear different clothes for a few hours, on his day, for his own comfort, or are you too selfish to do that?

Being a good person is all about self-sacrifice.  You can go back to wearing whatever you want when the celebration is over.  This will mean a lot to your father.

I could have worded this better if it was earlier and I wasn't drunk;  for that I apologize.  I hope I got my point across.

PS: You are very beautiful.