Trans-phobic parents keep leveling selfish at me

[Eva Marie]

Ida,

First, I would not acquiesce to their demands.  Be who you are.  I would tell them that you will dress how you choose.  If that means that they choose not to see you, then that is *their* decision. You love them (presuming that is true) and would would like to see them (presuming that is true) but you have to be the person that you are.  If they can accept you and respect your person (using the name Ida and female pronouns, not making negative remarks, etc) then you will visit.  If they choose not to do that you will politely stay away.

I would not argue with them about it. I would not negotiate with them about it.  I would not let them negotiate with you through your siblings. I would be firm in taking a stand, but soft in voice. I would not raise my voice, or come across as argumentative. Tell them nicely what you want and let them choose.  If they tell you they accept, but don't act that way on Father's day, then politely leave.

however you choose to approach it, I hope it works out for you.

Kim

I absolutely, totally, 100% agree with Kim.

The reason is this - if you back down once it sets a precedent and then your parents will demand more and more from you, trying to get you to be their "son" - don't do it. Stand firm and never compromise who you truly are just to make someone else happy.

My own parents reacted much more harshly than yours did. I spent a lot of time negotiating with my mother and I believed that I had brought reason and understanding to them and had negotiated a cease fire. I had planned to visit them over Thanksgiving so I put in for time off from work and bought a $500 plane ticket. My dad called me up the Friday before Thanksgiving and asked me if his "God given" son was coming. Evidently my answer disappointed him and he started yelling at me and I hung up. Needless to say i've cut them out of my life and have moved on. They have my phone number and address if they change their minds - i'm not compromising who I am just because they refuse to educate themselves.

[iKate]

All I have to say it this.  Family is important.  You love your mother and your father.  Dressing different for a few hours won't hurt you.  Fathers day is about your father, not you.  Can you wear different clothes for a few hours, on his day, for his own comfort, or are you too selfish to do that?

Being a good person is all about self-sacrifice.  You can go back to wearing whatever you want when the celebration is over.  This will mean a lot to your father.

I could have worded this better if it was earlier and I wasn't drunk;  for that I apologize.  I hope I got my point across.

PS: You are very beautiful.

I'm sorry if you think this is about clothes you don't "get" it. This is about basic human dignity. They aren't respecting her as a person. They want her to be something she is not - a man. I am not a man either. I'm not pretending to be one. For anyone.

[TimothyG]

I'm willing to pretend to be something I'm not for the people I love, because they're important to me.  I think it's better to make personal sacrifices and have them in your life, than to not have them in your life at all.  To each their own, I guess.

[Dena]

TimothyG As you are new here and we don't know what your goals are here I will attempt to explain what we feel. Many of us have fought long hard battles to get where we are and are extremely uncomfortable reverting to our old roles. Some of us have breast development that we aren't gong to bind. Others have hair we aren't going to chop off some MTF have voices so locked in we can't revert to the old voice. In the case of FTM, a dress with a 5 o'clock shadow just doesn't work and there is no way a FTM is going to learn how to pitch there voice in a few hours. It's better to skip an event we would be miserable at. At some point we have to make a decision between our happiness or our family. If our family wants us to be happy, they are welcome into our life. If not, we will miss them but we no longer want to live with the pain of being something we are not.

[iKate]

I'm willing to pretend to be something I'm not for the people I love, because they're important to me.  I think it's better to make personal sacrifices and have them in your life, than to not have them in your life at all.  To each their own, I guess.

In that case I would have remained a miserable grumpy man because my dad stopped talking to me because I'm trans.

Not everyone has acceptance and a family member's lack of acceptance is for them to fix, not me.

[iKate]

TimothyG As you are new here and we don't know what your goals are here I will attempt to explain what we feel. Many of us have fought long hard battles to get where we are and are extremely uncomfortable reverting to our old roles. Some of us have breast development that we aren't gong to bind. Others have hair we aren't going to chop off some MTF have voices so locked in we can't revert to the old voice. In the case of FTM, a dress with a 5 o'clock shadow just doesn't work and there is no way a FTM is going to learn how to pitch there voice in a few hours. It's better to skip an event we would be miserable at. At some point we have to make a decision between our happiness or our family. If our family wants us to be happy, they are welcome into our life. If not, we will miss them but we no longer want to live with the pain of being something we are not.

Well said

[stephaniec]

I'm willing to pretend to be something I'm not for the people I love, because they're important to me.  I think it's better to make personal sacrifices and have them in your life, than to not have them in your life at all.  To each their own, I guess.

The problem with that is that it becomes impossible to  .do the longer you transition. I don't have family that I talk to so I really can't give advice , but there is no way in hell I would dress according to someone else's desire. So lets say I've been on hormones for 10 years and been full time for ten years and my parents or siblings or relatives don't want to see me in a dress.

[oneWhoGetsBy]

I completely agree with Eva. On my own note, the saying that "people never change" is untrue... so short term gain might adversely affect the family environment because when you're fake around someone, it's harder for them to love you because you're not being the real you.