It really is the little things in life.

[kariann330]

I gotta admit, there are plenty of days that I just wanna give up. Days when I don't wanna keep doing this fight. Those days I just wanna shave my head, grow out a goatee and say eff it all.

Sometimes the only thing that keeps me pushing though is the memories of how depressed I was, or I'll see myself in a mirror with my forms in and remember how amazing I look with boobs and how amazing it feels seeing them. Or I'll remember how free I feel when wearing a dress or skirt, or how simply amazing it feels having my jeans hug my butt, thighs and hips.....and as little as those things may be, it just reinforces to me that I truly am a woman inside, and one day when she is free, I'll be even happier and more glad that I keep on fighting.

#parttimesucks

[stephaniec]

putting on a pair of skinny jeans or a nice dress is enough to nock some sense back into me

[kariann330]

I think part of it is doubting myself.

So many people have asked me if I'm full time yet or have started changing my name yet. Honestly idk what they see that I don't. I have hardly been able to start things up. Haven't done voice changing, haven't done hair removal and have been on hormones a total of three months before I lost my job and while I may have a little more fat in my chest, I have totally lost my buds and basically have to start things over again.

[stephaniec]

as they say, relax take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other , unless you just want to sit down and get more comfy.

[kariann330]

as they say, relax take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other , unless you just want to sit down and get more comfy.

Eh I'm tired of sitting still. I just wish that it was possible to go from zero to 60 in 3.5 but I don't even think my truck can pull that off and it's super mean lol

[stephaniec]

that's one thing I've always wanted to be able to do , but never did, was to build engines to max out the speed. When I was a teen there was this older guy who work at the gas station at the end of my street. He had this beautiful  late 50's car, I don't know the make because I'm terrible at that kind of stuff, but all he did was work on this car while he was at work and that was a mean machine. I always wish I had the mind  to do something with car engines .

[Nicole]

You know for me lately its the most simple things like getting up, throwing the hair up in a messy bun, a pair of jeans a jacket and just window shopping with a friend.

Theres always the getting really dressed up and having a great night out, but as I get older, it really is the little things

[kariann330]

that's one thing I've always wanted to be able to do , but never did, was to build engines to max out the speed. When I was a teen there was this older guy who work at the gas station at the end of my street. He had this beautiful  late 50's car, I don't know the make because I'm terrible at that kind of stuff, but all he did was work on this car while he was at work and that was a mean machine. I always wish I had the mind  to do something with car engines .

Mine has been really easy. Bigger turbo, 8in turbo back smokestacks, tuner....the rest I had to have done in a shop because it's way too easy to kill yourself putting a lift kit, especially a 6 inch suspension lift and 4 inches of body lift. The tires are the only other thing that I did and when the 37in swampers start turning I can't get it stuck no matter how hard I try

[kariann330]

You know for me lately its the most simple things like getting up, throwing the hair up in a messy bun, a pair of jeans a jacket and just window shopping with a friend.

Theres always the getting really dressed up and having a great night out, but as I get older, it really is the little things

With me, it's not even getting super dressed up. Yes I will for family events that jeans and cowgirl boots aren't ok for, but recently I have found myself loving pesant skirts and maxi length sun dresses with flip flops more than anything else....plus they really boost my confidence

[iKate]

Going full time has really been a game changer for me. Now I really know what it is like to be a woman 24/7 and there is no going back.

[JoanneB]

#partimesucks  Love it!

And does it ever. It sucks more and more the longer you do it. BTW-It soon looks like a godsend when you no longer can. For a good three years of this journey I had the luxury of being able to life part-time as female. I was an emotional wreck Sunday nights when the nail polish HAD to come off. SInce my circumstance basically prevented me from chancing full-time my options were limited to part-time or no-time. Those choices led to many a "WTF Am I Doing " meltdowns, similar to yours

Pretty much all of my support group members tried the part-time thing. Eventually the emotional toll it had on them was far greater then the fears and doubts about fully transitioning. As one put it, "Eventually you reach the point where you don't give a crap".

Like you, what helped me pull out of the meltdowns is my mantra of "I Know What Does NOT Work". I spent 50 years trying things one way and turned myself into a lifeless, soulless, automaton. Taking on the trans-beast opened up a world full of hopes, wishes and dreams. I found joy, I discovered passion. Yeah, I also cried a LOT more. But having emotions, as in a full deck of them, sure beats being a walking dead angry thing.

For the past two years my life circumstance dramatically changed and I cannot even think of doing part-time where I live. (Funny how in WV it was np, just outside NYC forget about it) After two years of only being able present for my monthly support group meeting it is soooo easy for me to think I can stop this insanity. That I SHOULD stop it. That my worse fear about being back home in NJ has been realized, I am reverting back to that thing I was. Especially when I get comments from my wife like "You are angry a lot more then you think you are".

I won some battles but lost the war

Should I just say to myself I can scratch "Being seen as and accepted as a woman" off my bucket list? Move on to Ground Hog's Day in Pauxatawy, and seeing the Northern Lights so I can check out of the this existence? (Not much of a bucket list but I am a lifeless soulless automaton, and a realist)

[Sammy]

I am not sure this is parttime vs. full time issue. I suspect full time can bring whole new lot of unexpected issues which might give the ideas of quitting it all. I don't see how the situation which You described could not occur during full time either.
Perhaps all those little things which life throws at us every day and which are not always pleasant, are taking toll on You recently? And I am not sure that all of them are transition related.
And as for those people who ask You about Your timetablessand thus exert indirect pressure that You should be doing this or that - eff them.  Seriously.  That kind of folks and listening to them can be very very counterproductive and sometimes even dangerous. Listen to Yourself, find Your pace with which You are comfortable and proceed forwards, sometimes faster, sometimes slower and with caution. Sometimes even taking a step back and reevaluating is better than rushing into things over which You may have no control. Trust Yourself and not the folks on the Internet (abovementioned piece of cap included ).

[kariann330]

I am not sure this is parttime vs. full time issue. I suspect full time can bring whole new lot of unexpected issues which might give the ideas of quitting it all. I don't see how the situation which You described could not occur during full time either.
Perhaps all those little things which life throws at us every day and which are not always pleasant, are taking toll on You recently? And I am not sure that all of them are transition related.
And as for those people who ask You about Your timetablessand thus exert indirect pressure that You should be doing this or that - eff them.  Seriously.  That kind of folks and listening to them can be very very counterproductive and sometimes even dangerous. Listen to Yourself, find Your pace with which You are comfortable and proceed forwards, sometimes faster, sometimes slower and with caution. Sometimes even taking a step back and reevaluating is better than rushing into things over which You may have no control. Trust Yourself and not the folks on the Internet (abovementioned piece of cap included ).

I don't think they are trying to put any pressure on me, but instead are trying to encourage me. Like I said maybe they see something that I don't.....maybe in there eyes I pass enough to go full-time but since I'm looking at myself every day I just miss it, kinda like when you don't think your hair grew much at all but a friend who hasn't seen you in two weeks or a month swears it grew a full two inches......idk maybe I'm just over thinking everything again.

[katiej]

I've been getting the same kinds of comments. One friend asked me if I was stealth at work. Me? Stealth? I don't even think I pass very well in social situations. Another friend was shocked this week when she found out I wasn't full time.

Neither of them felt like a patronizing "sure honey you pass"  So I took those as compliments, and I'm starting to realize that perhaps I do pass a lot better than I realized.

I'm not quite ready for FT because of circumstances, but the fear roadblock is starting to dissolve.