My Facebook Coming Out Post and Follow Up

[Daisy Jane]

I wanted to share my coming out and follow up posts because I know a lot of people struggle with what to say. I hope someone finds something helpful in them. I will share the coming out post here and then share the follow up as a reply to split it up.

For nearly five months I've been taking estrogen and a testosterone blocker to transition. My anxiety and depression have dropped significantly, and my general sense of well being has improved dramatically. I have a long road ahead of me, but I'm excited for the future! The vast majority responses I've received so far have been positive and supportive. There were so many more that I wanted to tell in person, but it gets to be exhausting to repeatedly have the same conversation.

I still plan to go by Charlie. I'm currently indifferent as to which pronouns people use, but I may feel differently in the future. I understand this is going to be a shock to most of you. If you need time to process this, I get it. It took me until the last year or so to come to terms with it myself, so I don't expect others to immediately wrap their heads around this.

If you have any worries, I've probably already had those worries myself and I likely know how to address them. I'm fine answering (respectful) questions because I know people get curious. Having said that, please spare me any questions regarding:

1. Who reacted negatively – I don't need or want anyone to be chastised. My hope is that they will accept me given some time.

2. The reality starlet - I won't even say her name anymore. Honestly, would you want anyone thinking someone from an idiotic reality show represents you? Come to think of it, I suppose I've heard the same thing from a few of my Republican friends and family recently. ;-)

Lastly, thank you to all of the people who have been supportive along the way. Some of you have really gone above and beyond. It has been noticed and is very much appreciated.

[Daisy Jane]

This is the follow up I posted this week. It was about two months after the coming out post. I had intended to do it about a month earlier.

I would like to thank everyone for all of the words of encouragement since I came out a couple of months ago. Not everyone is so fortunate. I've been meaning to make a follow up post for a while now because I've had a few questions and concerns come up more than once, and I'm willing to bet there are more people too afraid or uncomfortable to ask, so I would like to address a few things here. Fair Warning: This post turned into a novel.

1. Several friends have mentioned that others have been asking questions about me and they don't have the answers.
-If you have a question, you're better off asking me rather than one of my friends. It's okay! I'm not ashamed of transitioning and I can accurately describe my perspective. I also understand that a lot of you probably haven't had much experience with trans people and are therefore curious.

2. "Gay or straight?"
-I mostly attracted to women. Never dated or hooked up with a guy. Gender identity isn't an accurate indicator of sexual preference.

3. "I don't understand the desire to transition."
-That's probably because you're going about it wrong way. You're trying to imagine wanting to be the gender opposite of how you actually identify, but that really doesn't work because you DON'T want to be the opposite gender. Instead, think back to puberty. If you're female, imagine that you started developing facial hair and chest hair. If you're a male imagine you grew a pair of C –cups. Does the thought sound worse than carrying your girlfriends purse around the mall for eternity? What lengths would you go to in order in relieve that feeling? I barely grew any chest hair and I still found it absolutely revolting.

The diagnosis is called Gender Dysphoria. Gender Dysphoria is a condition where a person experiences discomfort or distress because there's a mismatch between their biological sex and gender identity.

I found this quote describing what Gender Dysphoria feels like. As I read it, it felt so familiar that it seemed as though someone was reading my mind.

"For me it felt like I had all of these expectations I had to meet, but that I never truly could. It's a lot of stress to constantly turn over in your head all the learned subtleties of being something other than yourself. I would constantly be thinking about how I said things, what I said and when, how I sat, how I walked, what emotions I allowed through and when, what I wore, how I related to people, how people saw my body, and so on. I tried SO hard to just be a normal boy; I just didn't understand why I had to, other than "that's what I'm supposed to be". The stress made me unstable, constantly panicked, depressed, and fearful. Thinking everyone was staring at me, judging me, and knowing it is all just an act."

I would also add that since I didn't really understand what I was feeling, I told myself I was just weird and embraced it the best I could, but there was always a difference between the way I behaved when other people were around and when I was by myself.

4. "What's the end game/final result?"
-The goal is to feel comfortable in my own skin. That's it! It may not be the most satisfying answer, but that's really all there is to it. Being 6'3 and having shoulders that are a little too broad for a girl, I have no illusions of passing undetected. I'm definitely going to laser chest and facial hair when I can afford it. I'm holding off on decisions about anything else until I'm further along. Surgeries are expensive and not always necessary to make a trans person feel comfortable with themselves.

5. "About the kids..."
-When I came out to one of my friends with kids, they warned me that the question every parent will have but probably won't ask is, "How am I going to explain this to my kids?" They had already gone through it because another one of their friends had transitioned a few years earlier. Your kids are your kids and you can tell them whatever you like, but after listening to my friend's experience and doing a little digging around the net I would suggest clicking these links and reading the experiences of people that have already gone through explaining it to their kids.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php?topic=38955.0

http://time.com/3.../caitlyn-jenner-transgender-explain-child/

That's all for now. This probably isn't going to be something that I discuss on FB very often. It's only part of my life, not my whole life.

Here are a couple of replies I made to some of the comments I've received. This first one is in reponse to a friend who said they appreciate my openness.

M, I was just telling my bestie one thing that has really changed about me now that I'm out is that I no longer want to hide anything about myself anymore. I've spent too much time hiding and now I'm like ain't nobody got time for that! I'm mostly the same, but happier and more confident.

This next reply is in response to a friend saying that I didn't have to take time to educate and explain to people, but thanking me for doing so.

Honestly, I know I don't HAVE to explain, but I want to. There are so many misconceptions that I don't understand the perspective of NOT wanting to explain. For example: It's commonly believed that every trans person knows from the time they're very young. It's a story that plays well in the media. For me it didn't click until well into adulthood. You and I were coworkers when it first clicked that I might be trans. I didn't hear any other stories besides the usual "knew since childhood" story. Had I known that wasn't the only one I could have saved a lot of the time I spent in denial and be much further along today. I don't dwell on it, but I want others who are questioning themselves to know that sometimes it's at the beginning of the story, and sometimes it's a plot twist.

[EyesOpen]

Thank you so much for sharing this. I have yet to come out publicly, right now only friends and family know. Like you, I want to have a few months of HRT before I go public. I'll likely borrow a bit of inspiration from your approach when I do You sound confident, informed, and understanding. Well done!

[Daisy Jane]

Thank you EO. That was my goal. I didn't want to appear wishy-washy. I got straight to the point and I feel like it really paid off. One friend told me that he and his wife were talking about me afterward. They said it didn't really seem like a coming out letter because I sounded so self-assured that it seemed more like "This is the way it is."

Hitting that send button was hard though. I had to walk away for a moment and then counted to three as i walked back and hit the send button and then decided to go on an hour long bike ride to burn off the adrenaline.