Need someone to talk too

[npgb]

Hi,

I have always been a tomboy and daydreaming of what it would be like to be a guy.  I feel like I would prefer life as a guy. I am just worried about coming out. 

I have recently come out to my partner, we are due to get married in 2 years.  However, she has made her thoughts and feelings clear and said if I transition, she will not want to be with a guy and she is 100% lesbian, we would be over.  I have manged to stay happy in the body I have, I just feel that I will be missing out.  So right now I am happy to stay female,  however I don't want to regret it and wish I did it, or do something to my body that is not reversible and regret that! I just don't know how I will feel in 10 years! I am 26 now, I always hear about 18 year olds transitioning, which makes me wonder if I really wanted this I would have done it already. 

Has anyone been in this situation or similar and not transitioned, then years later how do you feel? And what decisions have you made?

[Cindy]

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It is a hard ask for a partner to accept a relationship which is against their sexuality, but it can sometimes work.

You really need to think of your future though. Transgender feelings don't go away. You may have more and more need to be a guy, if you identify as one. You may find it very hard to resist that, as most of us have.

Can you have a talk to a gender therapist?

I know it is so hard but before you and your girl friend commit maybe have a pause and explore your feelings. Her's seem to be pretty set, she wants to share her life with another woman and not a man.

[katrinaw]

Welcome to Susan's npgb

So happy you found us.

I can only echo Cindy's comments...

I kept pushing my desires and emotions back for too many years, I knew as a 4 yo, well knew I felt more like a girl, then realised the visual differences about a year later sharing a bath with my younger cousin.... anyway it was not the time through most of my life to raise or outwardly show the real me... did the family thing, about to totally undo all of that, because I can't keep fighting myself any longer, I want to be at peace with me for the remaining lifespan I have.

During those pushing denial years, the emotions and Dysphoria kept coming back, more frequently and stronger each time. Now I'm over the fighting myself!

Hope that may help you with your decision process in some way.

Oh, look forward to seeing you about the forum's!

L Katy 

[npgb]

Thank you both for your advice. Katy your right about it coming back stronger each time I place it somewhere in the back of my mind!

I just don't want to marry this girl on a lie! I think it might be part of why I can't just push the feeling away this time!

Cindy yes I can see about talking to a professional!  It's hard to pick up the phone though, but I'll get there

Thanks

Nicole

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[katrinaw]

Hi Nicole,

Your point on marrying on a lie; back when I got married I had no idea of Gender ID, Transgender or anything like that. I knew who I really was, but did "the expected thing" Had I have known, I would not have gone down the path I did, but that's hindsight. I have a loving wife and have had 3 lovely children and 4 grandchildren since and love them all deeply; now the ongoing crux of my issue.

Definitely get some therapist input, once you decide who and what your direction is, then bring your partner into the sessions, I suspect she may well be your decision maker. It is hard, so very hard and I can't tell you the right decision to make.

L Katy 

[Mariah]

Hi Nicole, welcome to Susan's. I can only echo what Katy and Cindy have said. You never know what will happen despite her reaction now she could come around later and still want to be with you. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

[xyz]

Hi NPGB.
How it is going on with that? give us news.

I am actually in the same situation than you. Actually, i am a 24 years old "guy" and i am with my gf since almost 2 years now.
she will propably break up too if i decide to transition...she told me clearly than she is not lesbian...

Cindy,Katrina & mariah said good advices.
Sadly, i cant help you alot. I am in the same situation than you and dont know what to do myself. i ask myself a ton of question about it everyday! Who i am? i dont want to regreat my choice later! I dont want to change gender to late( never to late but it help)
Cauz of it , i cant even keep my jobs. I was in the army.... after that i did some men jobs... i always quit it after some weeks. I like to works but not that kind of jobs. Not taking decision RUIN my life. No jobs, Headhache, Not happy, DEPRESSED! Bad credit name (no job,No money),I feel weird when i talk to stranger man. dont know why.. not like i find them attactive but like shy? what the hell? ect ect ect...

Now lets stop talking about me.
What i can tell you?
as they said, a therapist will help you to find out who you are really without taking consideration your Girlfriend and others thing who will make you stay a woman like ( girlfriend,people judging,normal life) you shouldnt conside that.
When you will find out who you are really, you will be able to take decision for YOURSELF.

I say it but i cant even do it myself... so easy to say to someone else what to do but not not doing this myself. How much time i told to myself, i will be a guy, i love her.. i dont want to quit her cauz she will break me up, i want a normal life... and bla bla. and after 3-4 days ... i wanna be a girl again. i feel that way. I think about it EVERYDAY! give me headhache

But i know than i shouldnt take it in consideration when i will make my choice.

Take a decision for you and not for others.Yes i know, it is really hard.. trust me i know it... cant even do it myself.
Not ready i guess. Have to hurry up before i sign my army contract tho *_*

*sorry for my bad english. i am from montreal,canada and i speak french
Give us news

[npgb]

Hey, I am sorry that I haven't replied! Tried to stay away from things reminding me of what I feel.  I decided to suppress my feelings, but I have realised that this isn't going to just go away! I registered for my 1st appointment yesterday, 12 month waiting list though! 

I am still with my girlfriend,  we have nearly broke up over this a few times, I haven't told her that I have started a process to actually transition!  I have kind of accepted that we are going to break up to the point I don't want to be with her anymore (I think she knows) but I am getting the impression that she might actually try, I just feel so bad for pretty much leading her on as we have been together for 5 years now!

I hope you are in a better place now! Please let me know


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[JoanneB]

Thank you both for your advice. Katy your right about it coming back stronger each time I place it somewhere in the back of my mind!

I just don't want to marry this girl on a lie! I think it might be part of why I can't just push the feeling away this time!

A lie to her? Yourself? Both?

I was in a similar situation almost 40 years ago. In my early 20's I twice "Experimented" with transitioning. Both times utter fails for may reasons. During that period I had met, dated, and had an on/off relationship with a totally amazing woman who knew this history. In time I "Resigned" myself to being just a CD. Any sort of a transition was stuffed away as I tried to be a normalish guy.

A few years later that totally amazing woman and I got together once again. This time the relationship grew and flourished. Eventually we got married. Then some 7 years ago I dropped the T-Bomb on her. As others have said the feelings never go away. Denial, diversions, distractions can only quiet the noise so much. Then there is the trying to live up to an image, never knowing who the real you, and going some dumb things in accordance with that image bringing about total disasters.

How I was NOT handling being trans was my big downfall. My wife felt lied to, betrayed. I heard a hundred times "If I only knew back then..." "I did not marry a woman" etc.. Well, she wasn't the only one who did not know. I thought I had it beat or could keep all those corks under water.

I started "Transitioning" once again by fixing myself on the inside. I found a fantastic support group, read a ton of self help books, and began seeing a therapist as I worked to shed the baggage. During this time my wife's stance soften a bit as she saw how much I was growing as a person. I was transitioning from the lifeless soulless 'Thing' I had become to a for real person.

Today, some 7 years later we are still together and I still live and present primarily as male. I am also now living in a body I am happy to be thanks to HRT. My wife, while not thrilled about my breasts, is thankful I am still alive and in her life. Not quite the future we both pictured back 30-40 years ago. But, are any of us living a life we imagined as kids?

YMMV