Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum (I didn't know where else to go). I'm sure I'm going to ramble on and on and not even sure if this has been posted before...although after a moment reading other posts there have been people with similar experiences but I find mine a little different (who doesn't, right?)
Anywho, here it goes.
Ever since I was young I've been extremely feminine (I'm a guy in his 30's by the way). I remebered cross-dressing at a very young age, wearing my sister clothings - especially a dress which she hated but I simply adored. That was until my mom caught me and reprimanded me. I'm latino so those reprimands are very harsh and shaming. I stopped doing it...or was careful when doing it in privacy. But my desire and idolization (not sure if that's written correctly) of women things didn't go away...I simply related to them and was drawn towards them.
When I played video games I would always chose the girl. I would be fanatical about girls cartoons and girl musicians and/or artists. I knew not only based on these things that I was different from other boys including my older brother which my mother loves dearly. When I hit my teens, my very feminine voice never went away and my body became very feminine even more so than my sisters' which bother my parents a great deal as they knew (or so I think) that something was up.
Belief it or not many straight guys began flirting with me (->-bleeped-<- ->-bleeped-<- I think they call them, but I don't really know the real reasons). In Elementary I began secretly wearing my mothers' mascara. At this time because I couldn't or felt restricted to cross dress, I began living through Barbie dolls (secretly of course). When I hit high school I became extremely withdrawn from everyone and wouldn't go out much at all and avoided crowded public places.
I also resented how girls were nicely treated by guys, how they dressed and how they got to go on dates. As the years passed, I became detached from my emotions and the world and depression hit me like a brick rock. A couple of years after graduating from high school at age 21, something strange happened and my breast began growing. My nipples were very sensitive and felt like those of a girl hitting puberty but I have never taken hormones.
Fast forward ten years, I finally have come to the conclusion that I may be transgender. The clues has been there but I didn't even know that was a possibility. For my family gay was the worst possible scenario and I can't imagine how they will react if I tell them something like this. My ex boyfriend who is still my friend, is not that supportive and don't think that I am (apparently a lot of people seem to know me better than myself) which cause me even more doubt....what if I am wrong about all this?
I came out as gay but I can't relate to that community at all! I don't like how the gay guys treat each other or how they behave. I do like it when a guy is masculine and treats me like a lady. On the other hand, I've tried to be masculine but that's just not me and I don't want my body to look like that of a guy. If I think about my wedding, I see myself as walking down the aisle in a wedding dress. And my penis has always felt like (forgive me for being so blunt) like a strap-on and when I fantasize about sex I imagine how it would feel having a vagina and using it.
I'm sorry I have gone for too long but I'm confused, scared, and don't have no one to talk to that would understand. Is this a phase for me? Is it better to live the remainder of my life as a boyd (after all I made it 33 years) but then again I feel so disconnected to society as if I don't fit no where and I just feel so depressed.
Please somebody help me.
