Hey everyone, I guess I tend to come on here a bit, then disappear, then come back, and stuff. Don't really have anyone to talk to (I've been doing very well with the whole isolating myself from everyone, and I'm not about to talk to my parents about all this) so I thought I'd vent here.
I guess I'd say I identify as male but it doesn't seem like I'll ever be able to transition. I present female most of the time. I guess what's been keeping me sane lately is working out, I went from about 3-4 hours a week at the gym to easily over 10 hours a week over the last several months, which may or may not have coincided with the time I had my trans "epiphany" or whatever. I train for a bunch of reasons, building muscle (and looking less feminine), getting stronger in general, getting fitter than the girl I like..there are probably more reasons I can't think of right now. I spent my last semester of uni in the gym pretty much, it became my absolute priority and everything else (including my studies and the stuff I needed to get done to graduate) was secondary. Still managed to pull through and submit everything, so yay (sarcasm) I graduated . Almost had a breakdown the day before commencement because I was getting anxious over the whole walking across the stage thing.
I can't even get my thoughts to line up coherently in my head so I can write something up..
Lots of the trans-related thoughts and the little dysphoria I have we're kind of reduced to background noise, I think with the intensive working out I was doing. I still managed to feel bad every now and then, but for the most part I was fine and for a while my therapy sessions felt superfluous. I wasn't particularly happy, but I was okay, and the gym was this place where it didn't matter what people thought I was - especially when training with guys and using the same weights they were using (or heavier), that helps a lot with my ego.
I applied for an internship, because I thought it was a great opportunity that I would be stupid not to take, and I got it. The internship became the main topic in my therapy sessions. My entire family was coming along too. I didn't want it, and two things made me particularly anxious: where I'm going to workout, and how I'm going to dress and present. I'm Muslim, so the way I'm supposed to dress leaves no leeway for me to try and not look like a girl, and I'm technically not supposed to be working out around guys either, which leaves me with almost no reasonable gym options. Now, I don't think I'm a particularly good Muslim (not proud of myself for it either) but I don't dress like I should at school and I'm always in the co-ed gym at school (we have a women's gym that I only go to when I'm out of the gym clothes that I like), but my parents are here with me so I don't have much of a choice.
Now I'm here, half way around the world, in one of the best labs in the world in it's field, sitting at my desk trying to make myself not feel ->-bleeped-<-ty enough to be able to do some actual work. I don't wanna be here, I'd much rather have stayed home, trained twice a day and spent the rest of my time reading books and playing video games. I feel like a spoiled brat for feeling this way. I haven't trained in 3 weeks and I think that's starting to take it's toll on me. My dad thinks I'm overreacting for wanting to join a gym so bad. I had my backup plan of training at home, but it's a little hard to do in a small room where all you can do are push up, burpees, and sit ups. Most of the interns here are guys, and it just sucks being referred to as a girl, though I can't blame them or be upset at them for doing so. I've been mostly keeping to myself, but I just wish I could be one of the guys.
Honestly, I don't see why I exist. I don't want to. Don't know if this makes me suicidal, because I don't wanna kill myself, but I don't wanna exist either. I just want to be normal. Why can't I be normal? All the dysphoric thoughts are back and I just want to be a functional human being that doesn't wish they wanna be something they can't be.
