Having children: the hardest part of being trans* ? Trigger warning

[Cindy]

I could never have children, my cosmic joke was I was born a sterile 'male' who was a woman with no female equipment.

But, in my ignorance, wonder how my trans brothers and trans sisters feel about being parents? Those of you who have mothered or fathered kids and are trans, how did you cope with the dysphoria?

I realise you love and adore your children, but I'm interested in how a transwomen feels about fathering a child or a transman in carrying one.

Only reply and discuss if it is not triggering for you.

I will close this thread immediately if it gets out of hand.

[LordKAT]

By disassociation mostly.

[katrinaw]

I have had three, well unfortunately not me personally  .

I saw them all born and now two have gone on and had two of their own.

It is hard because inside you wish it were you going through the childbirth, so on one hand you are excited and a loving parent, but on the other hand you suffer pain about it not being you; carrying and bringing them into the world. Beyond that it is a shared and caring bond. two girls and a son, the strongest bonds were daughter to father, for sure!

The biggest thing though, is, for the sake of providing a good environment for all your loved ones you deny yourself of your true self, well I certainly did. Even now, close to opening up, the families overall well being is still the biggest thing on my mind and hardest hurdle to cross.

L Katy

[Sammy]

Thank You, Cindy! This is very interesting yet slippery topic .

I hope my opinion wont insult anyone, but in case it does, then it is purely my views and only. I am a parent (father) of my lovely 4 y.o. and it entails all responsibilities which come with being a parent. Trying to emulate this into some sort of "mother-ish" feelings would borderline with serious mental issues (my view entirely), so I am not her mother and will never even try to occupy that position (I know that I potentially could but... she has one mother already and it is going to stay that way). I did not bear her and did not give her birth (when I was in teens, I often did wonder what it is like to be pregnant and pretended to be in a couple of cases... but when faced with reality I try to take pragmatic point of view - if something is not going to happen, deal with it, get over it and move along).  So, I am her father, or as I prefer, parent, and I love her as much as I can, but I am not her mom (but I try to do my best in that regard, lol).
So, I try to give her the best and we have very open communication, but my biggest concerns are not about my triggers but about her safety. Because, when we are out in the public, people assume that I am her mother and treat me accordingly (I have even been congratulated on Mother's day, which I took but it did not feel deserved. Rather, it was another proof of passing).  So, I dont want that later in her life she might be bullied or riduculed because her father is "that way" or for any other trans-related reason. I have given this a lot of thought and there are areas which are beyond my capability to control, but still, it is her safety and well-being which are of primary importance here, and if one day, for her own good, I would have to renounce my father status and become someone else (like, female relative who picks her up from the school), I will do that. That is the price which I am paying for my transition and that is the least that I could do.

On a completely side note, I sometimes think that becoming a father of lovely daughter was one of the last straws which took down deeply entrenched defenses against dysphoria - just realising that I will watch as she grows up and goes through her girl childhood, teens and adolescence, while I will watch it with deeply hidden jealously and envy, made me to re-think what was really happening all my life and why it never seemed to be real (like living in some guy's dream) and nothing was ever clicking together.
And sometimes I am thinking that having a daughter was the biggest blessing in my life, mostly, because she is the one who helps me to keep going. I only get to see her over weekends (or when I babysitting her during summer vacations when kindergartens are closed), but knowing that I will see her soon helps to survive those lonely and empty evenings and nights in between (but I have to admit that late Sunday evenings when the flat becomes silent and empty are the worst of that kind).

[Andre87]

I have a son.It really was a "baby project".It took 5 years to become a parent.I visited clinics(wasted time),doctors weren't supportive..some even laughed(narrow thinking and such unprofessional reaction).LGBTIQ community also couldn't help...everything was talk,talk..I stopped 2 months testosterone therapy for him because I was afraid of epigenetic changes or that my kid can be born with disorder if I'm on T for too long..it was the toughest decision I had to make.So I took everything into my own hands,went to China (4 years ago)and solved everything there.I saw my female body as an incubator for baby.It enabled me to be more independent in that matter that I could carry baby and give birth.I'm grateful to the man who helped.We understood eachother because we both cared about having genetic offspring.I had strong desire to be a father.Now I can continue where I stopped....and I fight for my baby boy.Before having him I lacked selfconfidence and didn't cared much about myself,but i was very concerned about friends and their problems like they were my children.Now family has priority and seeing my son growing up gives me love and courage.

I try to encourage friends to have children before transition,but I can understand that it's hard for someone to wait,or that she/he can accept incertitude of future adoption or partner having baby via donor.I don't trust organizations,so I avoid them if possible.Also someone just doesn't feel need to have children..I'm not one of those people so I know I would regret..a lot!

[Swayallday]

I don't want to hurt a woman by having children with her and then down the line transition. Complete honesty or no go.

Thought about freezing but that only lasts a decade.

Since there are so many humans already on earth, i've decided either going with no children or adoption.

[Jessica_W]

Forgive my ignorance, what is Trigger warning mean?

[Cindy]

Forgive my ignorance, what is Trigger warning mean?

If a post/thread is expected to hurt.

[Lady Smith]

A trigger warning is usually posted when the subject of the thread could cause a bad or upsetting memory to surface.

My two now adult children are the only good things to have come out of the messy and tragic ruin of my marriage.  I love them both to bits and I wouldn't be without them for one second, but it does make me a little sad even after all these years that I couldn't be their birth mother.  I certainly didn't intend to hurt anyone when I married my wife because at that time I didn't know what was behind my sense of dysphoria.  I genuinely thought that being a Dad and having a family was going to sort me out.
My daughter calls me 'Mum' because she considers me to have been far more of a mother to her than her birth mother who was shockingly abusive towards her during her teenage years mostly because my daughter is gender fluid and identifies as a demi-girl.  My son calls me 'Anne' and that's fine too.  I always wanted children that was something I knew right from when I was in my mid teens.  Back then I even used to day dream about being pregnant so I had it bad.

[Kitty June]

I think this is the hardest thing I'm going to have to deal with for my own children. I'm divorced and I don't see them enough right now. I can't afford the drive and their mother won't bring them to me. It's a 2 hour drive. Not major distance but enough to be problematic.
Anyway. I came out to their mother recently and she took it pretty well but we both worry about how they will react. I know children can be more excepting than adults and everyone I've come out to has been excepting. That in itself has kind of blown my mind.
So my ex has them going to therapy for issues relating to me not being there for them and I asked her if she would bring this up with their therapist and try to figure out the best way to do this.
I just saw them on Monday and they don't hate me for not being there and they showed me how much they miss me and I can't imagine that they would reject me for being weird.
They met a trams woman when they stayed with me a couple of years ago. My done asked if they were a boy or girl. I think I explained how some people are born with a body that doesn't match their mind and that there was nothing wrong with that and they seemed to except that and move on. So I can only hope that they can do the same for me. Still the same person but I just look different.



Ella

[suzifrommd]

Good question, Cindy.

I'm very happy I had kids. It allowed me to feel things no other experience would allow me to feel. I am unhappy I'll never have the feeling of carrying a child inside me, of giving birth, or, most important, of the bonding that comes from the cocktail of oxytocin, progesterone, and prolactin that new mothers' bodies feed them. But I consider myself in sisterhood with the millions of cisgender women in a similar situation.

BTW, coming out to my teen children was a relatively minor issue. Both of the them accepted me pretty quickly.

[Tessa James]

I don't know that having two kids was that hard for me as a transgender person.  Until puberty i secretly assumed I would some how magically become a girl and mom some day.  I married a woman the day after I turned 18 yo and fathered two children with her.  What do you know, teenagers are not the best parents or mates and we divorced soon after.  That was, in part, because she found me "not much of a man."

I soon remarried and came out (partially) to my family in 1982 and let them know I was bisexual.  That was hard on my son who seemed to want a real man for a dad.  When I came out again in 2013 as trans he (as a 42 yo) rejected me completely but that was not a surprise as he had previously refused any relationship with me for ten years at one point.  Being trans is not the big issue to me so much as the respect for diversity and recognition of equality we all deserve and he is yet incapable of.  It was painful for both of us as he grew up and as a boy would tell people I was a cop or fireman but not a Nurse!  When I came out Trans we did talk briefly and he gave me backhand recognition by saying "well it makes sense, cause I felt I was being raised by two women anyway"  My daughter has been the polar opposite and we have remained very close.  She loved my first boyfriend and eventually considered herself Bi too.  She calls me Dad, Tessa or my joke name Dadalonia:-)  I am very proud of her and our loving relationship that we both work to maintain.

I coped with my dysphoria by staying busy forever and by assuming an androgynous nature that fit for the times.  I was, and am, kind of a sissy fairy who can still do butch when needed.  Long hair, nails, earnings, tights and more were my every day dress as I bicycled around town.  I kept an open door with my two kids and we talked endlessly about everything.  My daughter loved to debate but still thinks I "lecture" too much, gasp.    My son, as a boy, had endless questions and I loved being a nurturing parent to him.  As a teen he got sucked into the dark side of skin head racism and worse.  I think that was a response, in part, to wanting to separate and distinguish himself from me.  Hey I did that too and never wanted to be like my dad who was a brutal tyrant.  What goes around, comes around eh?  Funny my son and father were/are a lot alike. 

A famous old advice columnist "Dear Abbey" was surprised by the responses to one of her polls that found the majority of parents would not have had kids, when they could respond anonymously.  It is a tremendous amount of work, expense, and heartache.  And still one of the most rewarding aspects of my life.

[stephaniec]

My greatest regret in life other than not transitioning at 4 was my inability to find someone to have children or screwing up relationships that would of done that because of my Dysphoria. I greatly admire people with children it is such a blessing.

[Metanoia]

I'm pre-everything, but my wife knows most of what I deal with. She's much happier with the idea of me being gender queer rather than Trans* (and being more straight than bi, why wouldn't she be?) And so, I've let her think I'm still in the Q stage, for now. Starting low dose this summer/fall and will re-evaluate after a couple months of that...

That being said, she knows I've struggled with my gender. Our 3yo has said a couple times that he wants to be a boy-girl.... And wants to be pregnant like his mom (we've another one on the way in December)...

He isn't noticeably upset at the idea of being a boy (this is very intriguing for me, making me wonder if Trans*ness is slightly genetic...) And from the beginning of his life, we've tried to remain open to his gender expression, when he wanted to wear headbands and paint his nails, etc...

We struggled for almost two years to produce another successful pregnancy (one miscarriage and one ectopic pregnancy in between our son and the current occupier of her bosom) and I wanted to at least give her one more child before I began transition... So far so good...

He's not seen me in her clothes, but I carried him on my hips once and I don't correct him when he calls me mommy... He calls me both, and again, he has no real reason to call me mommy... I've never let him know about any of this...

When I begin transitioning, I plan to let him know slowly, and his eventual sibling will probably only remember me as female...

Watching my wife's breasts grow and experience pain in her nipples is slightly dysphoric because I too wish to feel those sensations, and cannot wait to...

All that is to say that this time in my life is very interesting, and I'm excited to go to my first Pride after coming out to myself, if not to everyone else....

[JoanneB]

Synchronicity

Just last week I was crying in my therapist office about kids, specifically lack thereof. Which led in no time to a big trigger for me, young moms playing and teaching their infant kids. For whatever reason(s), I am a kid magnet. They just lock on to me, as I to them. Perhaps because I still try to believe the joy and wonder of the world around me has yet to be totally beaten out of me. Just as a child is amazed by the magic of the world around them

I still wonder of it's the biological imperative to pass on my DNA that makes me regret not having kids. On the whole, it is likely best I didn't.

[jayyylmao]

Despite my youth, I've thought about this a lot. I know that I could never carry a child myself, but hopefully my partner could through artificial insemination. But that leads to a different issue - the child is biologically my partner's, but not mine. I'm willing to do that if it's the preference of my partner, but at the same time, I don't know how Id jump that hurdle

[Julia-Madrid]

Twenty years ago I reduced the complexity of my transness and attraction to men to two simple alternatives:  go down the transition route or get married to a woman, have kids and aim for a "normal" life. 

Option two arrived, quite out of the blue, although some years into marriage, my then wife announced that, despite previous agreements, she would never have kids.  Depriving someone of their dream is frankly, a terrible thing to do, and it did eventually kill the relationship, together with other issues.

All of this brought me back to option one, and I cannot describe the enormous self-realisation I have experienced since deciding to transition 18 months ago.  But yes, there are moments when I reflect on what could have been, since I would have loved to be a parent.  However, I prefer to see the glass half full, and my nephews are a proxy which is good enough.

So, although some of my life projects remain unfulfilled, I have managed to achieve others, as equally monumental and affirming.  And for this, I remain extremely grateful, and consider myself most fortunate.

Sometimes I think it was better for me not to pass on my genes: if any of the gender and orientation issues which tormented me as an adolescent and young adult are genetic, I'd really not want to inflict these on my child.

Thanks, Cindy, for an illuminating thread - the forum has been rather shallow of late 

Julia

[Ms Grace]

I find it hard looking after myself sometimes, I'm not sure I would have coped with being a parent, not a "father" anyway. From about the age of 13 I was quite determined to never become like my father (a grumpy, overbearing patriarch) and part of that package meant never having children to inflict myself upon.

The whole question is kind of academic for me anyway - I would have needed a female partner willing to have a baby with me and I've only had two girlfriends in my life (one for nine months and one for three months). Besides, ever since my attempt at transition 1.0 and being on HRT for two years in the early '90s I think I became pretty much infertile afterwards anyway.

[Rachel]

I got married late and after 5 years we had a baby girl; in 14 days she turns 18.

At age 36 I was given  a choice. Clean up my alcoholism and loose 150 pounds or body parts were going to be removed. This was as a doctor was removing part of the bottom of my left foots fat pad and skin till blood would flow. This was without any numbing as I had no feeling in my feet. My legs were brown, joints dark, feet dark and had no feeling. I had a bunch of bone scans because the infection (strep had eaten the fat pad under my one foot and it did that in 1 night).

I use to drink so much I would take pills to help get numb.

While on the table the doctor asked if I had any children. I said I had a 2 month old. He said do not do it for yourself but do it for her, I did.

I started selling on the internet and still do. I started doing science projects at home and still do. I got into exercise and eating healthy and still do. I work long hours and have taken on huge responsibilities at work.  I suffered greatly and still do.

I will not go into detail of the dysphoric feelings I had while she was growing up but I will say it balanced out with the relationship I got to share with this special person in my heart.

[iKate]

I love my kids a lot as you all know.

It pains me that their mom is giving me so much resistance to being my authentic self.

I wanted to carry them but I know I couldn't. If I would I could. I so badly want to be pregnant and carry a child. I held a baby in my arms a few days ago and it was magic all over again.

I did a lot of care for them in the NICU. They were preemies and needed a lot of care. They did a lot of their firsts with me, eating, smiling, talking and changing a lot of diapers.

The hardest part for me is the label. I can never be "mom". I so badly want it. Maybe I can adopt a kid later on.