Hi Kellam, I know how hard it can be to have "been a boy" for the benefit of others. I did it for a long time, too long. My father and I were close, and that was largely based of of my playing baseball... he was always my coach. I didn't really want to play, but I did it for him. I didn't want to disappoint him or my mother; who was fond of "showing me off" to people and always mentioning how happy she was that she had a boy and a girl, with that being my sister. My father passed away when I was 15 and since then I've just been trying to get through life, content with being miserable and always wearing a false smile. It hasn't been easy. I never let anyone know that there was a problem. I felt I was doing them a favor. Know I know how dearly that cost me. It isn't the path to venture. We all make our own destiny; yes, it can be diverted and influenced by other, but ultimately we make our own choices. You made an honorable sacrifice and hopefully in time you will be repaid for doing so; but you can't always live for the benefit of others. Your brother will make his decision as well; time tells all.
I will say that it is a good sign that he hasn't left you in the past in that he did send you a series of messages once you came out to him. It could have gone much worse. It may take him time, but at this point, I wouldn't be too concerned with him calling or not calling. It sounds as though he may have his own issues; and issues are often accompanied by feelings of uncertainty, and further still, procrastination. He may just need time to process your decision himself, and it's possible with him having recently becoming a father that he is overwhelmed with those dealings ever still. That in and of itself is a rather substantial life change. It's also possible that he may not know what to say. I'd imagine it would be difficult to "know what to say," in the opposite position of knowing someone close in transition. Maybe letting him know that that's OK would possibly open up further dialogue between the two of you? Also, have you been asked or voiced your opinion towards having a preference to being referred to by female pronouns? If not, then I wouldn't hold it against them, even if so, I'd still not hold it against them for the time being. As time passes it will probably become easier for them to do so.
I've told my family in the entirety at this point and they've been supportive, but mostly just in them saying things like "OK, that's fine, we just want you to be happy" etc., etc... the standard responses. I know there's not much else I can expect from them at this point, and I guess that's OK. I'm still exclusively getting male pronouns, which in my case I'd prefer, until I'm at least a couple years into transition. I hardly see a point in asking otherwise at this point, because I feel they need time. Like I said though, it's all I can expect in my case, especially with my being so early on. I'm pretty certain they will get more "use to it" as I get further into the process, but yeah, right now I'd say their still in shock. Some things have already improved. At first my mother said "I guess I've lost my son," which delayed HRT a bit longer and added an extra layer of guilt on top of this mess; however, since then, with time, she's gotten much better. She's seen me dressed by now a couple times and I do feel like she's starting to get it. She keeps telling me how great I look when dressed, how great I'll look, how thin I am, how feminine my features have always been, and mentioning every woman on the planet who is 6'0" and it is sort of making things better. I'm still pretty sketched out by all of this myself, but I'm progressing and time seems to be making things a bit better. I'm still pretty unsure of things and have a lot of fears, but all I can do is move forward, hope, and be the best person I can possibly be. Just keep moving forward and continue being a good person and the dominoes will fall in order, regardless of what or whom they may be.
I hope you don't mind me asking, but are you seeing a therapist? Sometimes they can have valuable input in matters such as this, sometimes not too I suppose. I'm in Boston myself and there are a lot of great therapists in the area who may be able to help you hash out a plan, whatever that may be. I do think you may be jumping the gun a bit with thinking you've been thrown aside by your family. They could just need a bit of time.
Anyway, I hope every everything turns out for the best... and happy birthday!!! I'd have PM'ed you that on your actual birthday, but I'd have to guess the date. Regardless, hope it's a good one.
TQ
