My name is Tamara Jane and I am a 35yo who recently has finally been able to admit to myself that I am a transwoman. My mother was sure that I would be a girl so had picked my name, decorated, bought clothing and toys... only for me to show up with extra equipment. I was treated as a boy growing up, bought boy things, discouraged from feminine behavior, etc. I would always find a way to play "my way" or dress up in secret with clothing I would sneak away from female friends.
Teenage years rolled around and I fell into the society approved role of dating girls and having (vanilla) sex with them. I was still dressing occasionally in secret, would talk to myself in femme voice when alone, and envied my girlfriends always. As it is easy to do I fell into playing the male role, got engaged (did not last, big shock), and did manly things for a rather long time eventually even stopping my dressing altogether. Through it all I always kept my long hair and single (pinkie) nail on each hand grown out so I had something of myself.
Move on to 2010 and both my parents passed awaty within 3 months and during my ensuing depression I met a wonderful woman who was everything I thought I needed. Pretty, kind, thoughtful, and most important able to look past what I feel are major flaws (have teeth problems and need to gey them replaced). Everything was wonderful as it usually was in my relationships until, as tends to happen, we started arguing about things. Subject matter is not important to this story just suffice to say the honeymoon was over and never rekindled to that point.
During this downswing I started getting depressed again and my female side began peeking its head out. I dressed secretly in her clothes, sometimes kept my toenails painted my favorite shade of red, shaved my legs a few times (which i explained by showing her that when i shaved i didnt get as many heat bumps on my legs during summer), etc. I was cruising along at my old pace yet again.
Move onward to the last month. My desire to be Tammy exploded to the point that I am extremely depressed when in guy mode, can not focus at work (a very manly physical job), and want to cry every time I come home and don't have that hour or two for me before my SO and roommate get home. Through talking to a friend and doing alot of research I am now positive that I am transgender. Admitting that to myself felt amazing until the dread of everyone else's potential reactions set in. I noticed myself becomming irritable, angry, and sometimes an outright bastard to those closest to me. I now realize that part of this has been because of my repression... that side disappears when I put on a comfy dress or some yoga pants but the second they come off and I am forced back into male roles I get snappy.
My SO is very understanding about things but I fear as we are once again on rocky ground that this could be the straw that breaks the camel's back. I love her dearly and want to make it work with her but in order for me to be happy and stop killing myself with all this anger I need to come out to at least her for now. I honestly don't know if I can because I have intended to every day this week and just can not bring myself to it. So then I wind up hiding in the bathroom and almost having a breakdown constantly.
My best friend and roommate/boss are also major concerns. They are both VERY masculine men who already give me crap for being more feminine than I am "supposed to be" and have made fun of trans people in front of me before. I have been friends with one since grade school and living with the other for over a decade. I do not want to lose my home and friends as they are all I have left after my parents died. I am scared, hurting, and need to find my equilibrium.
So yeah sorry for the novel but I figured it was good to give my full back story. Hope to be able to both find help and perhaps help others with what I can.
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