What should you do if your son says he's a girl?

[Dena]

When I was in treatment, we did have a FTM who was underage. We understood that children do have the problem and it isn't going to go away. Hormone blockers weren't in the picture yet so the only treatment they could receive until they reached 18 was therapy. I find it hard to believe that in 35 years their could be that much ignorance about this issue.

When I first heard about hormone blockers a prayer of thanks crossed my mind that so many children would be spared the pain of puberty and have a far less painful and costly transition into the new role. It is almost child abuse to put children through the natural course of development when the adults know something is wrong. Sadly these adults have no clue what the children will face and the anger the children will have as adults when the discover the pain they lived with for years was preventable.

Sorry but I am a bit emotional about this because I lived with so much of that pain.

[Alana_Jane]

Thanks for finding this Alana. A very interesting and persuasive read. Beyer is a physician (retired, I think), so he's looking at it from a therapeutic point of view but he still brings in a human rights element. He's apparently more comfortable telling it like it is about J.M. Bailey.

You're very welcome Suzi, glad I could add this bit to the discussion.

-Alana

[Asche]

I guess I'm just clueless, but I don't see why this is so hard?

I mean, if your kid is suddenly into dinosaurs, and wants dinosaur books and little plastic dinosaurs, you get them dinosaur books and figures (within reason, of course), and maybe even take them to the natural history museum to see dinosaur fossils.  And if they get bored with it after a few months, or a few years, and move on to other things, you just figure, that's how kids are, and you're glad it was dinosaur toys and not a (real!) Corvette Stingray they were whining for for six months.

So if your son (or what the doctor told you was your son) wants to wear dresses, you let him wear dresses.  If he wants to wear a tutu or a spangly leotard and a tiara, you go with it.  If he says "I'm a girl, call me Suzie", you go with it.  And if he changes his mind after two days, or two months, or two years, you go with that, too.  I cannot see how this is doing anything awful to the child.  On the contrary, in doing so, you are telling him that you respect his choices and his personhood, and he gets to explore who he is in (relative) safety.  And if 95% of the boys who dress as girls and/or say they want to be girls (or that they are girls) ultimately decide that they'd rather be boys, what's the big deal about that?  (As a bonus, you'd have boys who understand that girls are just as human as they are and not some lesser form of life.)

This is pretty much the approach that, for instance, Lori Duron over at RaisingMyRainbow.com and her fellow parents of trans and non-conforming children are taking, and it seems to work.

It seems to me that Vilain and Bailey are not really concerned with the welfare of the children they are speaking of, not even the the children who dabble in girlhood but ultimately decide to live as boys.  IMHO, this is about misogyny: the idea that girl-cooties are the worst thing on earth and too close contact with them will ruin a male for life.  It's also about maintaining a social structure in which man, and especially "manly" men are on top and women and girls exist mainly to be exploited and treated as objects.

ETA:

I went back and forth about which pronouns to use in the third paragraph, since I felt that almost any choice would prejudge the child's current or ultimate gender identity.  I finally went with male because the assumption was that the child hadn't permanently chosen a gender, and because of the (possibly bogus) statistic that 95% of these MAAB children decide to live as males.

[Julia-Madrid]

I had a highly instructive meeting this past weekend, with a mother who runs a support foundation for people who have very young transgender children.  I met her young daughter, now a wonderfully cute and happy little girl, who battled from the age of three to be accepted as a girl.

I am convinced that this boils down to the basic issue of the human right of freedom, and that it is not up to any of us to impose a gender identity on a child who is showing distress of preference for a gender at odds with the given or birth gender.

Those who wish to expound and impose a particularly distasteful, flawed, or just plain ignorant ideology need to be exposed, but let us remember that carefully reasoned discussion is more likely to be effective than a bazooka.

Julia

[Obfuskatie]

This wouldn't be a question if their first concern were about the child. They dress it up as the child's social adjustment or well-being, but always externalize the behavior. The real priority is how other people feel and adjust to the child's gender-nonconformity. Because it's about them, not a fundamental part of who the child is or how a trans kid chooses to express themselves.

     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[michelle]

Yes, I have children and one of the driving forces I have in being out as a transsexual broken-toothed old grandma, is that if I am myself it how can I judge them for being themselves when it comes to their sexual attractions or their gender identity.  If they are gay ok,  If they are trans ok.   The only problem I have with my children is them prejudging what they think I will say, or them projecting a negative attitude on me, that they never discuss their choices with me.   When you are a parent, you can't always be a friend and when your kids become adults, then forming an adult relationships with them is not always easy.  I figure that we will work it all out some time in eternity in one of the World's of God.