What do people mean when they say living in the wrong gender was killing them?

[orangejuice]

I've read a lot of people saying things like, 'living as the wrong gender was slowly killing me,' or 'being in the wrong body was making me sick.'

How many people felt like that and what specifically did they mean? It was driving them to drugs and alcohol? The depression driving them to suicide? I'd be particularly interested to hear from people who had actual physical illnesses that they put down to the stress of being transgender.

I've been getting some really odd and scary unwell feelings in my whole body for a while now, but particularly my chest. Doctors haven't found anything wrong with me as of yet and the main Dr I've seen a few times now keeps telling me its basically anxiety. That I'm someone who has for whatever reason had a chronically over stimulated nervous system and that is what is causing my symptoms. I haven't told him or anyone other than the gender therapist I saw about feeling like I may be trans. But he knows I've been dealing with something. I had to tell him I was on Cyproterone Acetate briefly, because it coincided with feeling unwell and I initially thought that is what had caused it. I felt mentally fantastic on the Cyproterone. More like I used to when I was younger. More relaxed, more just like me. And knowing my body wasn't being shaped any more by testosterone made me really happy. But then I woke up one night feeling dreadful and it hasn't gone away and that was 6 months ago.

But if I go with the whole anxiety diagnosis-obviously it sucks to have to deal with these feelings, but I I don't feel like they affect me in any physical kind of way. Do you think its possible I just don't know that they are?  Do you think the constant fear of the future, the constant pangs of sadness looking at girls, and the fact that I don't feel like I'm a 'normal' guy, whatever that might mean, has made me sick? In my head its just something I deal with then put away and get on with life as best I can, and I've actually been feeling a lot more relaxed about life lately. But subconsciously could it be making me ill? Is this the type of thing that people mean when the make the kind of statements I described above?

I'm trying to come round to my Doctor's way of thinking because it doesn't seem like I have any other option.

Any responses much appreciated.

[maralehava]

For me it is a feeling of wrongness. I hate when people see me naked, and i feel ill when ii am reminded of my birth sex. For me it hasnexhibited as depression and anxiety. The depression makes me sleep poorly, and eat poorly and im not always great at self care. The anxiety makes me feel like im vibrating out of my skin. To qwell the feeling i have self harmed quite a bit over my life. Now i am on the road to transition i have been more content and more relaxed.i still get low moods and anxiety but not as badly as before when i was hiding it

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[AnonyMs]

I had a serious physical illness due to gender related stress, and my blood test results improved significantly once I started doing something about my gender issues. I had been on low dose HRT and doing my best not to transition, and although I didn't realize it, it was actually killing me .

My depression was getting way out of hand and once I decided to do something rather than continue to fight it I increased my HRT from low dose to full transitioning dose and started seeing a psych. For my particular problem its something that women have worse than men, so if you didn't know about gender issues you'd think increasing HRT is a really bad idea. I'd been told I should stop HRT by one specialist.

That stress can show up in a blood test really made me realize how serious my gender issues actually were. That's the point I truly gave up fighting it, and while I'm still going slowly I'll never do that again.

After that I lost a lot weight, which I could never manage before, but that was after the initial change. Apart from being happy these days, which is nice, doctors have stopped telling me I'm going to die. That's nice too.

[orangejuice]

Thanks for the replies. Hi AnonyMs. Mind telling me what the condition was you had a problem with specifically? You can PM if you want and no worries if you don't want to.

[RavenL]

Kind of like maralehava with feeling wrong. I can relate to not like being seen naked, and have had body modesty issues since six years old. Really never felt right once I turned fifteen and had a really bad depression. I did my best to look happy on the outside but always feeling off on the inside. For the last four years it got really bad. Where I really didn't look after myself. Got really bad with drinking and eating unhealthy. Also started trying to over compensate by acting like some guy friends I know which made me feel worse since it felt wrong. Also was really anti-social and showed it where even fast food workers could tell I was someone not to mess with. However earlier this year depression started creeping up again on me to the point where I was miserable every single day. And really nothing was bringing me joy and just going through the motions. Telling myself "This is how you should act, this is what you should do, you are a guy act like one." On top of that my stress level start increasing and start living on two or three hours of sleep. Really I was on the fast path to ruin. I mean right now I can even tell my heart rate has dropped a lot and not working as hard. For awhile I was sure I'd have a heart attack before long.

Since starting my transition I've really started looking after myself and feel it! Have a lot more people smile at me and say hello and all around I feel better. Plus I'm doing stuff that actually gives me enjoyment and look forward to getting up in the morning.

[stephaniec]

I've had this feeling since I was 4 years old. Not belonging in a male role, not feeling right and being physically ill from the effects of stress of knowing I didn't belong as a male or playing the male in social situations while with either males or females. I ended up in a bad place later in life because of the alienation , but I made it thankfully .

[Jessica Merriman]

How many people felt like that and what specifically did they mean?

Pre transition:
Blood pressure: 178/118  Post transition: 124/68
Pulse: 100+ constant       Post transition: 76 constant
Blood sugar: 650+           Post transition: 126
Insomnia                                                Sleep
Career PTSD (Severe)                              Minimal
Suicidal                                                   Happy with a wonderful Girlfriend
Friendless                                                Too many to count
Isolated                                                   Social butterfly

Enough yet?    

[sparrow]

For me, intense depression and drugs to cope.  If I hadn't started taking my gender seriously, I may have taken my own life by now.

[Lady_Oracle]

As a child I had a lot of dissociative moments

Age 13: severe panic attacks begin, I felt like I was being choked to death. Depression also started, thanks testosterone aka the wrong puberty.

Age 14-15: Due to depression I began drinking and suicide attempts started.

Age 16: Back problems develop cause of bad posture and poor weight lifting attempts and I also suspect testosterone was causing issues too because the same month I started hrt, that chronic back pain I had for so long went away where as before nothing worked to alleviate my pain.
I developed extremely bad posture growing up due to the fact that I was always ridiculed for walking and running like a girl (due to my hips) so to change that I went against what felt comfortable just to fit in.

There's more but I really don't even want to get into it. I don't want to remember those terrible years else I'll start crying and ruin my day 

So yeah my adolescence was literally hell, transition saved my life.

[Swayallday]

I love meeting people and am a great speaker yet throughout the years this has changed into not speaking at all (my voice sounds foreign) and inability to look someone in the eye.

Suicide, drug abuse, not being able to look in the mirror, hating hair growth, hating muscle growth, thinking about stopping puberty (before I even knew blockers existed), severe anger issues and not understanding where they come from, constant dissociation of the mind by any means.

Sexuality getting messed up the moment I hit puberty, feelings of shame ever since.

Getting the shakes when i'm around women.

Yeah, I told myself "i'm a drug addict, this is genetic" and "Yes, I have an anxiety disorder" for the longest of time.

But you know acknowledging that it's Trans has dissolved a lot for me. I no longer use drugs and I think about the future again, I smile and I meet people, I can be around others.

Sometimes it hits me really hard though, what I am and what I am not.

Whether you take the next step is up to you.

[Jill F]

I woke up in the hospital twice inside of a month because I couldn't take it anymore.  I knew I was trans, but I didn't know what to do about it and my fears of attempting to transition were off the chart.   I thought that transitioning would probably make things even worse for me and that I'd make a hideous caricature of a woman that looked more like a shaven ape in a dress so I started drinking obscene amounts of vodka until I'd pass out.  For the first hospitalization, I fell down a flight of stairs at a Halloween concert and hit my head.  The second time I fell in my bathroom and hit my head even worse.  Fortunately, the doctor stitching my melon up the second time had many transgender patients over the years and ordered me to get a gender therapist so it didn't ever happen again. 

Fortunately it didn't happen again.  In fact, four months later I was full time.  I suppose that most of my fears were unfounded.

[awilliams1701]

It wasn't killing me, but it was certainly depressing. I've felt wrong since puberty. For the first time in years I mostly feel right now. I think SRS will fix the remaining issues.

[Mariah]

It was killing me by affecting my blood pressure and in return killing off my kidney's. It killed my right one completely. Luckily dealing with this in time saved the left one. My blood pressure when I told the doctor was through the roof. My bottom number had been through that point routinely above 90. After dealing with it 99 percent of the time it's in the 60's or 70's and the top number in the 120's sometimes 110's.
Mariah

[awilliams1701]

Actually if anything my blood pressure is too low on occasion. I end up feeling lightheaded while trying to stand up at times. Fortunately I shouldn't have to take spiro forever. Unfortunately it will probably be 2-3 years.

[leacobb]

When i was 13 i suffered with not belonging and feeling confined as a child. Because i didnt feel like any of my peers.  i had a older brother and loads of male cousins so when i was growing up i felt so different than they did in a sence that the things they were doing i didnt want to do because it never felt right to me and this continued untill i was 15-16 and then when pubity set in i hated what my body was changing too and thats when i started suffering with depression.. and the self hatred i felt for myself because i felt so alone and that i didnt fully understand why back then.. then at 17 i had a suicide atempt.. because i was so tied of the way i was, feeling alone and isolated by everyone. My mom took me to see a phycologist and then i got help at the age of 18, when the phycologist told me and my mom that i was transgender she said that she had her suspensions when i was 3 because of the way i was when i was at that age.. Now i am 30 and i am finally happy because i am now as i should of been from the beginning a happy, out going woman

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[Tessa James]

Hi OJ,

You now have some compelling personal accounts to consider and chest pain can be from a number of sources.  We are not you, however.  I would suggest many of us have felt some significant anxiety about gender that would be further fuel for depression, drugs and worse.

I am a bit concerned that you are reluctant to be out with your doctor/medical team about your gender identity concerns and why you are taking medication.  Your team must respect your personal privacy (by law in most countries).  They simply are at a real disadvantage in treating you comprehensively if they only know some of your story.  I would urge you to think about talking to your primary provider about where you are at.  You need not label yourself transgender but you do have questions they might help with?

[jessical]

Getting an illness that is common with old people when you are young.  I had shingles, and it was a very large wake up call.   

I feel that not transitioning causes long term stress.  Some stress comes from the dysphoria, but another large part is acting the gender you are not.  It takes a lot of energy to be someone you are not, especially over time. It is very well known that long term stress causes a host of physical issues.

Mentally it took me to a dark place.  I was not quite to the point where I was considering suicide, but I knew it was taking me down that path if I did not transition.

After I starting transitioning, like many others, I sleep so much better.

[orangejuice]

Oh I should say the minute I started feeling unwell I stopped taking Cyproterone. I was only on it for 6 days and that was 7 months ago now.

[stephaniec]

I'll give you  non professional opinion . You do have anxiety in that you are hiding your secret. I'd say al least come clean to a therapist and see if that helps.

[Tessa James]

I know plenty about living with shame and feeling like I just had to cope and stay busy.  That is my past and i have no idea if it applies to you too.

While we cannot replace your medical team I was a provider for 33 years and can assure you that we can have stress, distress and anxiety from a number of causes that produce physical symptoms.  We don't always know the source but can still recommend stress reduction techniques.  Our mind and body are one functional being not separate entities to get better.  If you were not really feeling like a sex addict you may have allowed your GP to write some notes that would confuse other professionals reading your medical history.  That may not have helped you?

I was very successful at forgetting about "my gender issues for the time being."  Some transgender people purge all the time, dumping clothes and becoming expert at denial and repression.  I "blanked out" entire real episodes of my life.  Fortunately my wife was witness to many of those real events, like cross dressing, that I conveniently forgot.  Sometimes its not until we give up the act that we realize how much stress is involved in being something we are not.  I don't think you are a hypochondriac but i do believe unresolved gender issues can result in all kinds of nightmares.  I hope you feel better soon with pleasant dreams.