Coming out before my sisters wedding?

[KristinaM]

So, my sister got engaged about two weeks ago, and I just found out that she's planning the wedding for "sometime before next May."  Not very specific there is she?  I'm presuming that to mean a Spring wedding though, so probably sometime in or after March.  Anyways.

I've been on a low dosage of HRT for about 2 weeks now and by that point will have probably been on full dose for anywhere from a couple to several months, a minimum of 9 months total since starting.  Is anybody starting to see where I'm going with this?

I definitely want to wait until after Christmas before I tell my family.  I've already ruined enough holidays in the past for my mom apparently, so I'm not doing that again this year if I can help it.  By my estimation I should be able to hide well enough until then, unless the hormones start running rampant through my delicate body. 

Anyways, I wasn't sure how/when to come out, but it looks like this event may force my hand into a more concrete timeline, so I'm trying to figure out the best way to do it and would like your input.  I know every person, every family, every situation is different, but here goes.

I live over an hour away from my parents and sister.  I'm close to my parents (mostly, mom more than dad anyways), and I'm not very close to my sister at all.  We're amicable, we're half-siblings from my dad's first marriage aged 9 years apart, so it's not like we're peas in a pod by any means.  I'm closer to my brother (also half-sibling), and he lives down the street practically.  He's a "man's man" and already has questioning issues with me and my lifestyle choices (religion, earrings, choice in cars, how I mow my grass, etc...).

So, I was considering telling my sister first out of all of them, since she's the one I'm the least close to of the four.  I know that the others will have to follow suit soon after though because there's no way she can keep it from her fiance or from my parents since they're all so close and like to gossip.  If I tell her, it will run rampant to those three within days or less.  My brother may take a bit longer to find out since he's not close with any of them but me, but they'll probably call him to find out if he knows anything about me in spite of that, since me and him are supposedly close.

My sister's even closer with my mom/dad than I am since they all live in the same city, so I felt it'd be a good litmus test to find out how she thought they'd react and how I should tell them and/or in what order, etc...

Here's the big reason for coming out though before the wedding.  I feel that I should give her the option of deciding if it was OK with her for me to come to the wedding dressed as the woman I am, or if I should come as a man like everyone would be expecting.  I'm really kinda excited about finding a good dress to wear, but I don't want to upstage her by coming out to everyone on her day.   Telling her though would only start the spread of information and I don't know how far/fast it would go.  I feel everyone who matters should know though before I show up in a dress so they don't have heart-attacks.

Maybe I just need to wait until January and see how I feel as it's not even a pressing issue until then, in theory.  I just want to do this in the most organized and considerate fashion possible, and I really want to be beautiful for her wedding.    Stupid wedding!  If it weren't for that I wouldn't even be considering it right now.

[KristinaM]

Wow, didn't realize it was going to be such a giant wall of text, sorry!

TL;DR:

After being on HRT for 9-10 months, hiding out in a suit at my sister's wedding seems depressing.  I really want to go in a dress!  So I need to come out to my family first in order to do that, well enough before the wedding, so they can acclimate.  I think telling my sister first would be best, since we're not so close already, and so I can let her decide if it's OK for me to come in a dress or not so I don't risk upstaging her with any surprises.  She can also help me gauge how/when to tell my parents since they're closer to her than me.

Thoughts?

[Colleen M]

"Wedding" is a word that scares me with regard to coming out since as you point out, it's "her"day.  You're caught between three (Xmas, HRT, wedding) unforgiving timetables and you have my sympathy.  If I'm honest, I don't know how much helpful advice I have, but at least it sounds like you've done a good job defining the problem.  Is it at all realistic to talk it through with your brother as it sounds like he might have a good grip on the personalities involved and so be a good sounding board?  Or would the lifestyle differences just be their own problem talking with him?  Given the distance involved and the frequency of contact I'm assuming it creates, is it really possible to squeeze in enough exposure between December and March(ish?) that you're going to be able to blend into the background by the wedding?  Any idea on the guest list, as I'm assuming it's more than just immediate family? 

You've got quite a tightrope to walk here.  There's something to be said for taking a cold mathematical approach to figuring out what your deadline is and then jut following your heart as that deadline approaches.  No decision means you're going in a suit, as I think your concerns about upstaging the bride are well-founded.   

[KristinaM]

Thank you for your sympathetic reply   Telling my brother isn't a priority as telling him will be just as hard as telling my mom/dad probably.  He might be slightly more understanding and just be like, "whatever, i think it's ridiculous, but whatever."  On the other hand, I forgot to mention that I have two nieces and a nephew from my sister's first marriage to deal with as well.  Aged 14-19, or thereabouts.

Due to proximity, there's no way I can have enough exposure to any of them (mom/dad/sister at least) in girl-mode in the first 3-4 months of the year to let them acclimate to me visually.  I meant more of a mental acclimation.  My birthday is actually in January and I thought about coming out to them then.  I could probably see them a couple of times after that in girl mode, but that's it, and I still of course have no idea how they're going to react.  I feel like they're just going to want me to leave.  Fortunately, if they react poorly and want to disown me or something, I wouldn't regret missing my sister's wedding, so I've got that going for me.

Oh goddess, and don't forget my grandfather (only grand parent left).  He'll just look at me confused, not understanding, and ask me, "but why? I don't understand!"

[Kristy1234]

My daughter is also getting married a year from now. I am going to wait until after the wedding before I tell her. Its her day and I don't want to spoil it. I will have been on hrt for 2 years and I am sure it will be hard to hide but she must come first.