Okay, i'll weigh in here!
I'm now 66. Way back in the 1950's in the U.S. There was only one word to describe anyone that was other than straight, and/or that didn't identify with the gender that was on their birth certificate. They were called Queer, Gay, and that was about it. Transgender was not a word yet! Before I ever entered kindergarten I knew that I was a girl....I knew! My best friend was a girl named Andi, and we played with her dolls, played dress-up at her house, until one day we were caught....now I say caught only because one day her mom walked into Andi's bedroom and saw us both in dresses, we didn't think we were doing anything wrong....but caught is exactly how I felt when her mom told me to get my own clothes back on, and go home....NOW! I was maybe 4 or 5 years old, and when I arrived at my house across the street my mom was waiting at the door. She simply told me to come inside, and that I was to stay inside until dad got home from work. I didn't understand....usually when I was told that, it was because I was in real big trouble. To this day I don't remember most of what was said, I just remember crying because I was no longer allowed to play at Andi's house, no longer allowed to play with dolls, and was told to never put on girls clothes. No more mention of today again.....ever!
And there will be no more of this "Gay" stuff.........or else!!
I was so confused, heartbroken, I lost my best friend, no more joy! I may be 66 now but the trauma, and the hurt I still remember like it was yesterday. That was the day I went underground, but I dressed in mom's clothes without her knowing, and did all sorts of girly things in secret..... that only I knew, and it stayed that way till I turned 65.
I finally came out to my wife of 44 years (one of the most horrible nights of my life next to losing my best friend in Viet Nam just 4 months into our deployment, plus Andi as I already mentioned).
I did a lot of self denial, guilt when I broke down and did something really girly telling myself I'd never do it again....and I always did, then more guilt. Countless thoughts of suicide, volunteered for dangerous assignments in Nam (I was an aerial gunner), rode bulls, motorcycle racing. Got married, two sons, macho all the way.
Being a girl was me, and although I hid it well it never, never, ever went away. You cannot deny forever who you really are, or at least I couldn't.
I've now had a bi-lateral orchi, I'm on HRT for just over a year now, I'm working on going full time, and once I get it all figured out how here in Texas (land of homophobia), I will never go back to presenting as male.
I came out to my sons, and their wives just after mothers day this year, and most of my friends now know, and it is so much of a relief to no longer hide things from those that are so close to me.
My marriage is iffy at best at this point.....I want it to work, but she is unsure on how far she can go with me in this journey. My kids are split, and still working on acceptance of their dad whom they were very proud. They knew me as the tough highly decorated combat veteran (7 air medals, 4 DFC's.....I may be a girl but I held my own), and they can't wrap their heads around me in a dress, and being feminine.
I'm telling you that I don't care what you look like now, you can get where you want to be to be you! You can, and you will find a way, believe me.
I'm still a work in progress, I'm no longer 265 pounds of muscle (down to 180 now), I've no more walrus mustache to adorn my upper lip. I have a modest B cup, and proud of my girls. I wear a nice respectable bob style wig, and will do a list of items including surgery as I can afford them. Yes even at age 66.
Is it hard? YES! .........Is it worth it? ..........YES!.......Can you do it?.......YES! If you want it bad enough you can do it.
You will find a way!
By the way Sona Avedian was one of the first video's I saw of someone that transitioned that inspired me.....Thank you Sona!!
I would rather die the woman I am, than live as the man I never was!
