Just some vent/talk (And why I joined)

[OliviaTrapezoid]

Hello! I'm Olivia. Very new here.
I am 16, and genderfluid/transgirl (fem or neutral (they) pronouns).

About myself (the things I'm okay sharing)...
I think about transitioning a lot. I really want to. Dysphoria hurts. I hate looking at my body knowing I can't do anything about it right now. Heck, I can't even shave my legs. I have no support from my dad (obviously not from my mom either, she passed years ago. However, I like to think she would support me). However, I have a partner who is also genderfluid and supports me fully, and I feel so lucky to have them as my sweetheart. I do not face discrimination and bullying, as I am barely out (however, I am freely open about my pansexuality).
The only one who bullies me is myself, and I hate it.
I am diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and ADHD (however, the more mental form, as I am very slow moving, relaxed, and tired, but my mind constantly wonders at a rapid rate, and keeps me awake at night), and I am currently taking medication for it all, have been for a few years now. Self-esteem and dysphoria are obviously big issues for me to fight. I tend to cope with these things with talking to my partner. I have been playing my instruments less, and it fills me with regret that I lack motivation to do the things I love most. I still hold to the idea of recording and producing a full 40-50 minute album. It is a dream I know I can achieve, and I hope to do something with recording music in the future.
I fear my biggest gap between me and any possible transitioning,  hormone treatment, and laser surgery is money. Thanks, USA, for letting me not be who I wish. With rent, a car, bills, college, food, and all to scoop up my money, what makes me think I'd have any left for transitioning? Even if my partner sticks with me through our last highschool years... they can't help much with money either, for reasons.
I joined this site in hopes that I can find friends and support from the accepting community here. I know there are those who have it worse than me, so I try not to be needy. Verbal encouragement and resources to help get through this is all I need for now, and all I think a forum could provide for me. And maybe I can provide for the forum too. My wandering mind has generated many philosophies on life from my personal experiences.
Thank you for reading the ramblings of a freakish Trapezoid.
...
I got the nickname Trapezoid from my geometery class. That's a different story to tell for a different category.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. I transition many years ago and it was considered a matter of choice. Insurance might cover the cost but I pretty well had to pay everything out of pocket. At 16 I would recommend you get the education for a good paying job. I was able to connect with computer programming and that paid all my expenses. I don't know if you have explained you sexual side to the doctors who currently provide you with medication, but often for us HRT allows the elimination of treatment for depression. If the doctor agrees to this, HRT might be a better solution to your problems than the drugs you currently take. Things might not progress at the rate you wish but I made it by age 30. I didn't come out until age 23 and had 4 years of therapy that didn't do any good. You should be able to do better than I did.

[OliviaTrapezoid]

Thank you, Dena. I'm happy that you've finally got to transition, and I hope as soon as I am able to, I can transition as well. Maybe my dad will loosen up. Maybe I'll have enough money in the future. I want to work as an audio producer in a studio or do digital graphic design. Both of those have non-consistent pay, but I think I can pull it off some day.

[katrinaw]

Interesting, didn't pick this up a little earlier, apologies xx

Sorry to hear about the loss of your mother...
Guessing you have spoken with your father, so sorry he is not aligned.

Dysphoria does suck, and, does affect people in varying degrees and from different aspects, but mostly body parts! You should continue your music as it could well end up supporting you into the future, you will need something to keep you grounded, especially if you end up with no family support in the future, and, hey if it can spin you some money could well provide your finance moving forward.

You are lucky that you do have time in your favour, believe me xx

You'll certainly get the moral support help and guidance, and, we are very much a big virtual family.

Katy xx

[OliviaTrapezoid]

Thanks again for a sweet reply, Katy!

Yes, my initial dream career is to sell albums as a musician (with my usual weird genre. I may even post some of my compositions here if I can get them copyrighted!). But that can be rough, especially since I struggle with motivation. I know I can do it though if I tried. It is a little unrealistic, which is why I have plans to do something similarly related to my real dream career.

Maybe money won't be a problem in the future. I'm not too sure. I also haven't looked at prices, but I have been told that they are expensive. Very expensive.

[Dena]

Yes it is very expensive. I was close to all the money I could earn in two years of working. When you added in living expenses, it was even more years. The good thing is much of it is pay as you go so you only need a lump sum for the big things.