Do you feel white lies are acceptable in order to maintain minimal stealth

[stephaniec]

Does anyone feel white lies are acceptable in order to maintain a minimal level of stealth for the short term. If so where do you draw the line on acceptability. Lets say hypothetically , is it all right to maintain for an indefinite period a persons perception of you as cis as long as there is only a friendship and no intention what so ever of it becoming more than friendship. I mean at some point you might spill the beans , but is it really important to do so since you really are the gender being perceive by the other as. If a person just comes to normally relate to you as cis and has no clue that you are any thing other. Are you really misrepresenting yourself if just talking of your past in real terms as actual events , but there is really no need to explicitly add the topic of gender. I mean just being normal conversation it would seem irrelevant to even consider bringing it up. I think the only reason you would to  mention something If it had to do with a commitment to that person. Or another example , if your talking to someone on the internet and your using the translation deciphering algorithm , is it really relevant to disclose the fact that you personally don't speak the language because it feels cool to feel you can speak a number of languages. Are white lies bad. Just curious to know are white lies a no no

[Dena]

Ok, I admit to it from time to time. Once I was talking about visiting a SAGE military radar site in my teens and somebody ask who I went with. I just said a scouting group omitting the word boy and let them draw their own conclusions. I have both become more careful over the years about traps like that and care less if somebody finds out. I work by omission instead of out right  lies because I am the type of person who a lie detector would catch every miss deed. If the point is pressed home and they know, there isn't much point in hiding it any longer.

[Rejennyrated]

In a word yes - although I wouldn't consider the act of non disclosure to be a lie at all - its just not advertising something which after nearly 35 years is absolutely nobodies business except for my own (and any potential lover).

I do not consider this stealth either, because I would always answer truthfully if asked. It's just that nobody ever does, and after this long telling them really would only confuse, because I've found that when I do tell people I then have to also explain how long ago it all was, otherwise they assume it was only last year or something equally idiotic!

[stephaniec]

In a word yes - although I wouldn't consider the act of non disclosure to be a lie at all - its just not advertising something which after nearly 35 years is absolutely nobodies business except for my own (and any potential lover).

I do not consider this stealth either, because I would always answer truthfully if asked. It's just that nobody ever does, and after this long telling them really would only confuse, because I've found that when I do tell people I then have to also explain how long ago it all was, otherwise they assume it was only last year or something equally idiotic!

If you don't mind me asking, what is that your reading?

[Rejennyrated]

If you don't mind me asking, what is that your reading?

In the picture? That photo is an official one taken by medical school - which formed part of a poster campaign of medics supporting an Amnesty campaign for womens rights in Afghanistan. Selected doctors and students were photographed, at various places around the hospital, holding posters stating that we supported the campaign...

[stephaniec]

thanks, I've been squinting my eyes trying to figure out the picture.

[stephaniec]

CNN just had a story today about the acid throwing at girls because they went to school.

[Gyps]

Unfortunately (and especially with the rise of social media and web presence), I'd bet that going 100% stealth without a certain degree of B.S. along the way is not an easy thing to accomplish.

As for how much you're willing to reveal (or not) and open up (or not) to others, a lot of it would have to do on yours and their intentions and with who you're dealing with.

[Gyps]

CNN just had a story today about the acid throwing at girls because they went to school.

That is so messed up! 

People seriously have no respect for life when they do horrible things like that in their right mind (or lack thereof).

[marsh monster]

I don't really hide that I'm trans, kind of hard to do where I live and the fact that most everyone knows me and lots of people talk. But I don't talk about it and no one really asks me anything about it anymore. I guess you could call it more like avoiding the whole subject, but usually its not relevant to any relationship I have with anyone since I refuse to date and have no real desire to enter into any sort of intimacy with anyone.

[stephaniec]

I don't really hide that I'm trans, kind of hard to do where I live and the fact that most everyone knows me and lots of people talk. But I don't talk about it and no one really asks me anything about it anymore. I guess you could call it more like avoiding the whole subject, but usually its not relevant to any relationship I have with anyone since I refuse to date and have no real desire to enter into any sort of intimacy with anyone.

yea, I would think why would anyone bring it up, if your just normally talking and the more you know someone I would think its just becomes a non issue

[janetcgtv]

Little white lies is fine for people you have a casual acquaintance with or just somebody down the street. However someone you want to get involved with (sexual partner) or just very close friendship you owe it to them early in the relationship to tell them the truth. No one likes being lied to also people want to be able to trust a friend. This is where a lie of omission is just as serious as a spoken lie. Also everyone wants to feel that they have some control over their life  decisions they make.

i.e. Some one you know is really a thief. They don't steal from you. You do not know about it. Would you want to know them?
They are caught shop lifting in front of you and you are both arrested.

[Sydney_NYC]

I've done this and I think it's OK if it has no direct effect on them. For example, my wife and I were visiting my parents in Florida and their neighborhood has a pool and clubhouse. (A huge development with over 600 houses in it.) We went swimming (I pass perfectly fine in a one piece even though I'm pre-op) and I was talking to this woman and she realized that my wife and I were a couple and she was telling me about her lesbian sister and she thought gay marriage was great. (Which was recently passed in Florida at the time.) She asked about if my wife and I were legally married. I couldn't tell her we were legally married 18 years ago since gay marriage wasn't legal anywhere back then. I instead told her that we had a ceremony 18 years ago, but everything was made legal in June 2014. (Which was when my legal name change took effect and at that time gay marriage was legal in NJ.) So I didn't really lie, I just omitted some things that would indicate that I'm trans. In situations like that, I think it's perfectly OK.

[stephaniec]

creative thinking

[suzifrommd]

I try never to lie, especially to people I'll have some sort of friendship with.

It's not a lie to allow someone to believe you're cisgender, any more than it's a lie to allow someone to believe that you haven't had appendicitis, cancer, a broken bone, etc., simply because you haven't given them your whole history.

We don't owe people an accounting of our history. We just don't.

However, I do often mask the gender of people I associated with. Never my "ex-wife". Always my "ex". I didn't go to boy scout camp. I went to scout camp. The person in charge there was the scout leader, not the scoutmaster, etc. I never pronoun my college roommate, etc.

I have no trouble leaving out vital information that people have no god given right to have.

But I try not to lie.

[Jill F]

I'm done with lies.   They were killing me once upon a time and I am happy to say that I am now 100% BS free.  Go ahead, ask me about my genitalia!  LOL

"Don't ask me what I think of you / I might not give the answer that you want me to." - Peter Green, "Oh Well"

[stephaniec]

I try never to lie, especially to people I'll have some sort of friendship with.

It's not a lie to allow someone to believe you're cisgender, any more than it's a lie to allow someone to believe that you haven't had appendicitis, cancer, a broken bone, etc., simply because you haven't given them your whole history.

We don't owe people an accounting of our history. We just don't.

However, I do often mask the gender of people I associated with. Never my "ex-wife". Always my "ex". I didn't go to boy scout camp. I went to scout camp. The person in charge there was the scout leader, not the scoutmaster, etc. I never pronoun my college roommate, etc.

I have no trouble leaving out vital information that people have no god given right to have.

But I try not to lie.

give the basic structure of the building , but no need to say there's a picture of George Washington and a cherry tree on the third floor apt 309 above the bed in the bedroom

[Sydney_NYC]

creative thinking

That's pretty much what we tell people unless we know they are transgender friendly and most of the time if they are LGB friendly then they are trans friendly. I wasn't too sure with this person, and decided to play it safe especially since I used the women's locker room there. (It had stalls to change in.)

[stephaniec]

That's pretty much what we tell people unless we know they are transgender friendly and most of the time if they are LGB friendly then they are trans friendly. I wasn't too sure with this person, and decided to play it safe especially since I used the women's locker room there. (It had stalls to change in.)

definitely good to play it safe.

[Ms Grace]

I don't lie about that, not even white ones, because I know it will eventually come back and bite me in the @$$. My usuall approach is just to omit certain details when talking to people who may not realise I am trans. I went to an all boys school but I leave the all boys detail out when I talk about going to school.