When you keep doing the same things...

[suzifrommd]

"When you keep doing the same things, you'll keep getting the same results," or so I've heard.

I've been trying to date for more than a year and a half now. During that time, there hasn't been one single woman who has been attracted to me. There have been a few men (though I don't even know if I'm attracted to men), but none of them have stuck around long enough for the attraction to turn into anything.

Here's what I've been doing to meet women:
(1) Keeping a profile on OKCupid
(2) Going to lesbian meetup and singles opportunities
(3) Being involved in my life, going out and doing the things I like to do.

Through (1) I've met eight women and three men who have been willing to go on a date with me. Through (2) and (3) combined, I've met ZERO men or women interested in dating.

In other words, if I didn't try to meet people through OKCupid, I wouldn't have gone on any dates at all.

But eight women over eighteen months is not enough to meet that special person. I dated more than fifty people before I met the one I married.

It isn't just the numbers. If no one is attracted to me, no one will ever get close enough to even find out whether we could be good together. It doesn't matter how many people out there would be a good match if none of them would be attracted to a tall socially awkward, gawky, middle-aged, transgirl with electrolysis-ravaged skin. Strangely, I actually feel attractive and sexy, and think I have a dynamite figure, but no eligible partners seem to agree.

I know younger trans women have an easier time being accepted in the lesbian community. And I know socially adept people, who are comfortable with flirting and in all sorts of social situations do meet people in spite of these sorts of handicaps. Since I've begun dating, a half dozen of my Facebook friends have found romantic partners they are happy with, and three oof those had recently transitioned.

Short of becoming 20 years younger, or a fairy godparent magically giving me social adeptness, I can't easily change those things.

So I've got to figure out a way to meet potential romantic partners and to show something of myself that other women might find attractive.

I have no idea how.

The one thing I do know is that whatever I'm doing isn't working.

[Devlyn]

I've also heard that love finds you when you stop looking for it.

Suzi, I think you're trying too hard. Have you ever played on craigslist? Ads there will get you twenty replies in ten minutes. After you delete the ones that are just a penis picture, and the ones that are just "Where you at" even though you posted the location, you're left with the picture hunters who want you to send a picture (don't do it). So you close that ad and start another. Eventually you will contact a person or two who are actually interested in finding someone. You're a big girl like me, you know how to spot trouble and stay out of it. My patience paid off in a man who takes me out and about in all my half man/half woman glory. We both know I'm going to get looks, questions, and laughs after we go by. That's how I know I'm with the most secure man in the crowd. Now you get out there and get one, or a woman!

Hugs, Devlyn

[Laura_7]

"When you keep doing the same things, you'll keep getting the same results," or so I've heard.

Yep so a change in attitude and a bit of fine tuning in search pattern might help.

I've been trying to date for more than a year and a half now. During that time, there hasn't been one single woman who has been attracted to me. There have been a few men (though I don't even know if I'm attracted to men), but none of them have stuck around long enough for the attraction to turn into anything.

Well you might show some attraction... getting away from logical subjects to emotional subjects and what you find attractive...

Here's what I've been doing to meet women:
(1) Keeping a profile on OKCupid

You might fine tune it, having a look at profiles you find attractive, and incorporating some in yours.
Having a look at tutorials, and incorporating some of their hints.

And get active yourself... have a look at people in your vicinity, and send them a note if you have a feeling it might be a fit...

(2) Going to lesbian meetup and singles opportunities
(3) Being involved in my life, going out and doing the things I like to do.

You might do a few unusual things...
a visit in an art gallery... a visit of a concert with singers lesbians tend to like... visiting some soccer games with female players... chances are high there are quite a few lesbians amongst spectators and players...

It doesn't matter how many people out there would be a good match if none of them would be attracted to a tall socially awkward, gawky, middle-aged, transgirl with electrolysis-ravaged skin. Strangely, I actually feel attractive and sexy, and think I have a dynamite figure, but no eligible partners seem to agree.

You might work on your attitude. The second sentence is the direction you want to go to.
You might be a bit shy but you can listen... you have emotional strength and are a gain for a partner... see it this way... see your strength and make them play to your advantage... ask interested questions, and listen to what the other has to say... they feel understood this way...

I know younger trans women have an easier time being accepted in the lesbian community. And I know socially adept people, who are comfortable with flirting and in all sorts of social situations do meet people in spite of these sorts of handicaps. Since I've begun dating, a half dozen of my Facebook friends have found romantic partners they are happy with, and three oof those had recently transitioned.

Don't compare yourself. You are unique. Just think a bit what kind of partner you would want... with what characteristics...
there are people out there who will appreciate you. Just keep going.

Short of becoming 20 years younger, or a fairy godparent magically giving me social adeptness, I can't easily change those things.

See above.
See yourself as a gain for other people.
Try to overcome shyness. Smile, say a few words... thats a nice tshirt... they say an answer... you ask another question, and listen...
just smalltalk... you can practise with a cashier for example... just a relaxed talk...

keep going... you will succeed eventually.


hugs

[suzifrommd]

Suzi, I think you're trying too hard.

Don't understand this. If I didn't look for dates on OKCupid, I'd have no dates at all. I've had zero dates come to me when I wasn't looking for it. All the dates I've had have been from a dating site where everyone is trying to find dates.

Have you ever played on craigslist?

No, I haven't. That's a great idea. Something else for me to try. Thanks.

You might be a bit shy but you can listen... you have emotional strength and are a gain for a partner... see it this way... see your strength and make them play to your advantage... ask interested questions, and listen to what the other has to say... they feel understood this way...

It isn't shyness, so much. I'm not as much shy as socially clueless. I have a hard time picking up cues that other people put out or giving accurate signals myself. One on one, I'm actually pretty easy to get along with. But when I'm in a group, it's almost impossible for me to figure out when it's "my turn" to talk. I usually end up either interrupting someone or just staying quiet and listening. When I do manage to make some sort of comment, it never seems to be something that people react positively to.

I've kind of become resigned to the fact that I'm a one-on-one sort of girl, and don't expect a lot from group social situations. If I can find someone who is willing to talk one-to-one, I do. Otherwise, it's sort of rough sailing.