Recently posts can be seen about a thing that crossed my mind many times in my lifetime. So, here is my take on
why not. I don't think it would help someone in distress,
please best call a help line if you need help! Hereby I am merely telling my story. Thanks for the read.
It was bad ☹
Ten+ years ago, I was young and I had my share of horrible moments of rejection amid seeking myself in this big and cold world. Alas, in my early 20s I didn't even know there was name for my condition. A horrible horrible couple of decades. And a couple of years. Plenty of thoughts to end it. 'Now.'
The Watchdog ☢
When I was a child, I also made a promise to myself, if not also to an entity I believe watches me. I promised I won't take my own life. When a child makes such a promise and is challenged to and through the adulthood to break it, it eventually becomes a strong watchdog. These days I think of it as of a big warm
st. bernhard, furled up in a corner. He is my friend. I don't want to disappoint him.
Interpretation of the promise varied through the years. The last time it helped me (about age 28),
I told myself I can't know what is beyond tomorrow. And if don't stick around, I will never find out. If I am meant to be here and suffer, so be it. Later on, the promise grew into sort of defiance.
Desire to keep annoying the forces that want me gone.Today ☼
So, here I am. Age 32. The current course tells there are about four more years to go until hrt. Going out as I am. Ppl clock me, for which I blame the beard shadow the most. Working on removing that. Working on my voice. Enjoying life outside.
Making every breath count. I suppose I burned out the part of me that worried. I take what I can get from life.
Since I live it as much full time as it gets outside work hours, I feel like things have never been more real for me. Like I was never more self-aware and feet on the ground. I remember my past days of stress and pain and wish I was only allowing myself to enjoy them more. The day I bought my first bracelet. My first blouse. My first skirt. Why all the stress... I was younger and healthier.
I could have used giving less ~fword~ about the part of the world that doesn't accept me and preserving my own resources for later years.I still have got some time to spend and get better at enjoying what is left. ☺
