Dealing with depression (trigger warning)

[Jayne]

Some of you may have noticed that i've barely been on the forum for the last month or so, this is due to an increasing level of depression making it hard for me to function from days to day. I've been on anti depressants for just over a month & have had to endure severe headaches whilst mt brain adjusted to the medication.
I'm asking for suggestions on how to deal with the issues that have been making life so difficult for me in the hope that a different perspective can help to snap me out of this phase

Problem 1: I first saw my GP about transitioning over 4 years ago, I sincerely believed that it would be possible to have my transition finished before my 40th but due to hold ups within the NHS my 40th has come & gone, I still have no idea how many more months/years I will have to wait for my GRS.
Due to clerical errors i've been turned down for electrolysis 3 times & due to my visible shadow I get sir'ed almost every time I interact with strangers, this has led to me avoiding going out in public whenever possible, being refered to with male pronouns cuts like a knife every time it happens.
Right now it feels like my transition will be ongoing until the day I die

Problem 2: This is the biggie & the one most likely to trigger people.
I volunteer with the charity that runs the hostel I used to live in, once a week I go into a womens hostel to check my e-mails & prepare stuff for my LGBTQI group, the woman who has helped to run this group was heavily pregnant (she gave birth to a healthy boy last week), one of the other staff members is also heavily pregnant.
I thought that i'd come to terms with never having children years ago but since starting HRT i've had growing feelings of regret that i'll never have a child, every time i'm around a pregnant woman I first start feeling jealous & rapidly sink into depression.
As it's impossible to avoid the subject of pregnancy I can't bury my head in the sand & ignore this problem, I know that adoption in the future is a possibility once my life is more stable but even that thought does nothing to ease my depression.

Problem 3: I'm scared that i'll remain single for the rest of my life, being single hasn't bothered me much until about two months ago, whilst playing GTA on xbox I fell in with a group of really accepting people, I found myself becoming attracted to one of the men but managed to ignore it as he's with someone, we share the same interests & our sense of humour gels so well we often have each other crying tears of laughter.
One of the women in the group picked up on this & kept saying that we would make a perfect couple, I just laughed it off but I don't think she realised how severely she'd hit the nail on the head, for some reason her joking about me & him being the perfect couple made it play on my mind more & more until it became a trigger for my depression.
I think the part that is really getting to me is I honestly don't think i'll ever meet someone who compliments my humour & interests so perfectly.

There are several other things triggering my depression but they're trivial compared to the effect these 3 things are having on me

[FriendsCallMeChris]

Hi Jayne,
I can't speak for 1 or 3, but maybe I can add something to 2.  I'm adopted.  I know adopting isn't the same as carrying a child,  but a lifetime of nurturing trumps 9 months of gestation, at least for the child
As kind as you have been to me, I know you will be a great mom.  And you don't need GRS to be a wonderful nurturer.  In our PMS I  definitely got a female vibe from you.  Please know that with your caring maternal instincts,  you are already making lives better.  Prayers that the depression lifts soon.

[Jayne]

Thanks for the reply Chris, my therapist has promised to devote our next session entirely to my growing broody feelings but its 3 weeks away.
This weekend is my home towns pride parade and the woman who's just given birth will be there with her baby, I've not told her that her pregnancy is the main cause of my depression as I haven't wanted to make her feel bad (she's such a kind person she'd feel terribly guilty if she knew).
I'm worried that I'll get tearfull seeing her baby as I'm crying two or three times a day right now, I can't avoid going as some of the support staff are trying to arrange a time slot for me to be interviewed that day for local radio.

I spent my whole life saying I'd be happy to just adopt but recently I've been consumed with the realisation that I'll never have the connection that comes with pregnancy

[JenSquid]

Jayne,
I'm sorry that your depression's been acting up. I've been dealing with it myself lately as well, albeit for different reasons. Mine was triggered by the fact that I'm now unemployed: The need to network sets off my social anxieties, and having to sell myself to potential employers runs headlong into my self-worth problems. It leaves me feeling really hopeless.

Anyway, I know what you mean about feeling like things are taking forever. I'd be furious about being turned down for electrolysis three times due to clerical errors. I'd try to track down who screwed up and really get after them. It's one thing to make a mistake, but to screw this one thing up this many times starts to sound like incompetence. Was it the same error all three times?

I've never been good with kids, and have never wanted them myself, so I have nothing to add about problem 2.

Problem 3: I can relate to this so hard. I'm terrified I'll never meet the right person for me, and whenever I think about it, I get really depressed. In fact, I've spent years trying to avoid anything romantic, because I just feel worse about myself afterwards. This topic has come up a few times with my therapist, who's described my avoidance as an attempt to protect my heart. I'm hoping the reason I've had so much trouble finding people is gender related: I relate to people the way women do, yet I've been expected to act the way men do, which as you know is really confusing. Still, I feel ya. Finding someone you'd be perfect with, only to have them be already taken. That hurts.

I wish I had some useful advice to give. The best I can do is commiserate. Hang in there, Jayne.

[suzifrommd]

Hugs, Jayne.

I've missed you. I hope you can manage to get past this bad spell. Depression is an illusion that hides the beautiful parts of the world and only shows us a life that's empty of hope and happiness. You do so much good for so many people that you don't deserve to have your spirits dampened in any way. You deserve a fabulous life as the fabulous woman you are and it's awful that you're not getting the treatment you need.

Hang in there, sister.

[Cindy Stephens]

Sorry I can't help with the underlying problems, but do you exercise?  I have a history of depression and read everything that I come across on it.  Nice long walks, in nature if possible, can do wonders for your various brain chemicals.

[Jayne]

@Jensquid, i'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with the stress of job searching whilst dealing with depression, I was made redundant after I came out & have been unemployed for 3 yrs now but due to health issues i've been put on permenant sickness benifits.
Being turned down for jobs (or just not getting replies) can be soul destroying, please remember that potential employers aren't judging you as a human being, they just see applicants as potential spare parts for their company.

I've been trying to avoid any & all thoughts of relationships to protect myself as I transition but one of the things that can get through my defences is a sense of humour, for some reason I find it unbelievably hard to resist a man who can laugh until he cries.

The clerical error started with the first GP I saw about transitioning, she sent the request for funding to the wrong department & each GP since then copied this mistake, my most recent GP discovered the error & I now have the form to request the funding from the correct department. Each time I was turned down it triggered depression & as stupid as this may sound i'm actualy scared to send of the request form in case I get turned down again.

@Suzifrommd, I know that i'll get through this stage as i've been survived being suicidal many times in the past & thankfully it's nowhere near that bad this time.

@Cindy Stephens, I can't exercise much due to my eczema, if i get hot enough to sweat then my skin flares up, if i'm out in direct sunlight for too long then my skin flares up. It's a constant problem & the only "cure" is immno suppressant tablets that sap my energy & leave me vulnerable to every bug & sniffle that does the rounds, my dermatologist has me on the highest dosage possible.
There are indications that GRS will help to clear this problem up as I have my t blocker once every 3 months, 2 months after the injection my skin gets bad & then clears up within days of having my next shot. My dermatologist believes that based on my personal evidence my skin is reacting badly to testosterone.

I live on the edge of the countryside & go out most days to walk my dog but due to a combination of my skin & the backward attitudes of the local yokels I only go out once the sun goes down.