Said something stupid and triggering, now what?

[charliekhm88]

Hey everyone,
My partner is an ftm early on in his transition. He's handsome and I love him dearly. We have had our problems with communication, but we've been working on it.
So last night the already uncomfortable topic came up of a naked bio guy. I felt the need to say something to the effect of, "I don't enjoy looking at bio male 'junk'" and went on to clarify that it was from a purely visual perspective and didn't have anything to do with attraction to males or anything sexual. But my parnter just got extremely uncomfortable and I could tell right away that I <not allowed> up. The only thing he said after that was, what I said was disturbing to him, that it's already difficult to be intimate sexually with me because he doesn't know how I see him and told me how uncomfortable it makes him. We both went to bed and it's been tense and I've apologied in a couple different ways, saying it was wrong to talk about, that I should've been more considerate of his feelings and that I love him for who he is.

I feel so extremely terrible for this and he's been cold and distant ever since. I know I <not allowed> up really bad, I don't know what to do to make it better, I love him so much and I don't want to hurt him or lose him. Please help me.

Mod Edit- No foul language please. TOS 11

[Mariah]

Hi Charlie, welcome to Susan's. I can understand how difficult that can be. You have been talking and that is great and do keep trying to if your both comfortable doing so. Remember sometimes when we say things it doesn't always come out the best way. We don't mean for it come out in away that causes and issue, but it does. Others should be able to help more. In the meantime here are some links to take a look at that include the site rules and FAQ. Please watch the language though. We know it can slip sometimes, but do try your best. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

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[teddybear_zach]

I'm a FTM and during the early days weeks months of his transiton its going to feel like everything you say is the wrong thing. the best advice I can give is for the both of you to see a therapist that handles couples and also gender transition. Because what he is going to have to understand is that you are transitioning with him, and its not fair to make you censor yourself in every conversation. My wife and I went through that phase and after couples counseling I was able to form a solid bridge of communication with her.....good luck

[RaptorChops]

he is going to have to understand is that you are transitioning with him, and its not fair to make you censor yourself in every conversation.

I agree 100% with you. I am also an FTM and the testosterone will make your feelings feel a bit off. Your hormones are changing and you do get a bit moody at times. Just continue to show your love and support for him and he will come around.

[charliekhm88]

Thanks for your input guys, and I will definitely watch my sailor's mouth from now on. I really love this guy and it kills me when I can see I've triggered him. It's very difficult not to keep blaming myself, even though I know I can't be responsible for all of his triggers, I want to be supportive in the best way. I'm so glad I found this forum and hope to continue using it to better my relationship and maybe help out others with my experience too.

[bwr]

I'm a cis woman and little late to this thread, but honestly I've had so many random conversations with different girlfriends about how we don't obsess with penises the way men do or how they don't turn us on in the same way boobs do for them.  It makes total sense to me you'd make that comment. Go easy on yourself.  I can see how you meant it to be innocent or even supportive. Part of how triggers work is not always knowing what will trigger someone and for him to learn with you what those triggers are.  I try to be neutral with body stuff because I want my BF to know I'm happy as is and I'll be happy if he does surgery for bottom dysphoria.  It sounds like that's all you were trying to do. 


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