Hi!
My name is Kristen, or rather, it will be someday. I'm a 28 year old MtF Transgender individual. I've been coming here for almost a year and I absolutely love that the Trans community has such a strong online presence. I live in a city in the Midwest that is quite stuck in traditional views, and have no one else that can truly understand what I go through day to day. Now, on to my story. (We all have one, right?)
Since I was about 7 or 8 years old I knew I felt like a girl. I learned over the following years to repress any "girly" tendencies as they were frowned upon when others noticed. I can still remember being at my babysitter's house playing with the other girls who asked me if I wanted to play Barbie with them. My babysitter noticed this, walked over, and took the toy out of my hand to give back to the girls. She said "Boys don't play with dolls". I was hurt by being verbally punished, as any kid would be, no matter the context, but I was also confused. I couldn't see what the problem was with me playing with Barbie dolls. This sort of set the tone for what followed.
The city I grew up in is the kind where the majority of the people are very close-minded. All throughout high school, openly gay people were verbally and physically abused. Anyone that was different at all was looked down upon. Emo, goth, gay, lesbian, et cetera. No one did anything about it because everyone seemed to like it that way. This culture that I grew up around always seemed so alien to me. I did my best to conform to what boys did. All the while envying the girls. I was depressed constantly and at the time I had no idea why. I was actively trying to push my true feelings of gender to the deepest, darkest corners of my mind. I honestly thought that it was something wrong with me.
After my 25th birthday I became even more depressed. I started drinking more and more. I felt like I didn't know myself. I also started to dress and act as manly as possible. I didn't know why I was doing this at the time. It was just something to make me stand out, to give me an identity. I went so far as to dress in a tailor made 1940s suit recreation every day. Vintage tie, pocket watch and everything. I drank, I smoked (I thought it made me manly), and I spoke of women as if they were objects (that coming from a virgin as well, not that I'd admit that at the time). I hated that I said these things, and deeply regretted it afterwards every time. All the while my drinking steadily increased.
At the age of 27, I first heard the term "Transgender" on a TV show (I rarely watched TV since I was 20 or so. I couldn't stand the pure commercialism of it all). The show had something to do with police, I think Law and Order maybe. It featured transgender characters and at the time I didn't really know what I was seeing. Having never encountered any one such individual before. There was something that resonated within me. I did some research and slowly started to understand everything I've felt my entire life. This revelation brought happiness, knowing I was not alone. It also brought depression. More than I had to start with. I felt cheated out of the prime of my life. I felt like the world knew all along I was trans and said nothing. I wondered why we never had an awareness day at school or something to let people know that it's not weird or crazy to feel this way, and that there are ways to transition. I then remembered where I lived.
This renewed depression lasted until New Year's Day, 2015. Up until then I had learned as much as I could about available options for transition. Most nights I drank and cried wishing I was dead. Because I thought I could never transition. This carried on until I was drinking half a bottle of whatever 80 proof alcohol I had at hand every night. I would sit there, drunk, with a knife in my hand, trying to get the courage up to slit my wrists, throat, or stab myself in the heart. New Year's Eve, I gave myself a New Years resolution. Actually, it was an ultimatum. Kill yourself, or transition.
The next day, I threw away all the booze that I had left and came out to my mother. She was raised in a devout catholic family. I assumed she would be confused and maybe even mad. She was extremely accepting. She knew something had been eating away at me for years, but didn't know what. I told her, "Even I didn't know what it was before." Since then I went to a therapist and started HRT myself. I've recently started on a full dose estrogen, progesterone, and spiro through an endocrinologist. 4 months is coming up soon. I feel like I got a second chance at life. I'm not going to waste it.
Wow, that's a lot of words. By 29 I hope to be in a new location, presenting as female 100%. Right now it's just at home, around family. Anyway, there's my story. I'm glad to be able to share it with people that get it.
~Kristen
