I don't even know anymore

[mycelestialarchangel]

I'm stuck in a rut of not knowing which way is up and which way is down. I'm not even sure I like my female self for the right reasons.  I look in the mirror and sure,  I think,  what a babe, puberty did me well.  I'm 171cm tall, amazing brown skin,  thin with slowly growing abs,  gorgeous brown eyes.  Not to toot my own horn but I'm hot

*edit

So my app deleted the other half of my post

What I meant to say after that was :

I know I'm attractive but I can't help but think I'm attractive in an "I'd <not allowed> me" type of way.  And by that I mean,  Id be attracted to my doppelganger but I'm not sure that's who I want to be or how I feel comfortable .  Often in my dreams I'm a male,  I may not be uber masculine but just the idea of living as a guy sounds so much more pleasant to me than how I'm living now . Again; this is why I'm double questioning things,  must I be masculine to think this way.  I've only been questioning this after breakdowns in the past year that make me question the route of the problem.  Recently I've been getting more spiritually in touch with myself, am trying to save some animals by being a vegan, and am in tune with when I am happy and when I am regressing to a depressive state.

I'm more confused about my gender now than ever.  I'm 20 next week and I'm not sure how fast other people began to question their gender identity and what age they are but I really need help and clarity.

[Cindy]

So..... you are a hot lady!

[mycelestialarchangel]

So..... you are a hot lady!

Hahaha I'm sorry,  I'm dying of laughter right now.  I'm on tapatalk on my phone and it must have deleted the other half of my original post

[V M]

Hi 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Here's a few quick links to help you along

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Hugs

V M

[Laura_7]

Hello and welcome 

You could have a look here for a few thought that might help you:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,191620.msg1708270.html#msg1708270


*hugs*

[sparrow]

Welcome!  I think I was a pretty hot guy, once.  I guess I probably still am, but I don't like to see a boy when I look in the mirror.  Wanna trade bodies?    You'd probably hate that: I'm very white, and susceptible to sunburn (oh, what I wouldn't give for some melanin!)

I know one hot guy who was once a hot girl....

If you take the time to listen yourself, then your dreams are within your grasp.  20 isn't that late, in my mind... I discovered my inner femme at the age of 33.  Others find out when they're 60!

[mycelestialarchangel]

Thanks for all the welcomes and links

I figured I'd also make occasional updates to this thread while im here too.  I was having my usual tea this morning at a cafe near work,  and this little kid and her mum came and sat at the table next to me.  The child looks at me,points and says " girl".  <this is no joke,  I think the world is mocking my confusion D: although it did make me realize how uncomfortable being called a girl is becoming. 

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[mycelestialarchangel]

Also ; I wore my binder to work today,  and was feeling so happy with it.  Well until some old guy started chatting me up and asking to take me to dinner (I work in an adult toy store,  so weird things like this are becoming the norm haha).  And here I was thinking my high pitched "hi, how are you " voice was going to trick people into thinking I'm a guy. 

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[sparrow]

Good word... hitting on employees of toy stores... some people.

Yeah, suspicion confirmed: you can be a very good looking guy.

[mycelestialarchangel]

Good word... hitting on employees of toy stores... some people.

Yeah, suspicion confirmed: you can be a very good looking guy.

Adult toy store though,  like sex shop haha. Basically a daily reminder I'm a girl unfortunately.



Not my most favourite top as my binder can't work it's magic as well on this. But I'm getting the hang of filling my eyebrows in more /shaping them differently.  Basically I've been experimenting dressing for the past few weeks how I feel; I'm feeling a lot less stressed actually but I'm worried about when people like my housemate start questioning why my chest is flatter and why I'm not wearing skirts and heels anymore. 

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[gennee]

Welcome to Susan's.

[Gothic Dandy]

Well, do -I- know what it's like getting asked to dinner while binding...haha. What a bummer!

It doesn't matter how attractive you are, if you feel best as a guy, then go for it!

It was also my dreams that first clued me in. I had a cluster of them where I was a male version of myself. I'd always had dreams like these and been confused by how natural they felt, but that cluster really slapped me in the face. That was exactly a year ago.

The process of uncovering your gender can take years. Some people even transition and then have to backtrack a little because it's not until they cross over that they realize they feel best with a genderqueer identity. Go ahead and keep experimenting, because it's the only way you'll figure yourself out. By the way, you make a damn  hot guy!

[mycelestialarchangel]

Well, do -I- know what it's like getting asked to dinner while binding...haha. What a bummer!

It doesn't matter how attractive you are, if you feel best as a guy, then go for it!

It was also my dreams that first clued me in. I had a cluster of them where I was a male version of myself. I'd always had dreams like these and been confused by how natural they felt, but that cluster really slapped me in the face. That was exactly a year ago.

The process of uncovering your gender can take years. Some people even transition and then have to backtrack a little because it's not until they cross over that they realize they feel best with a genderqueer identity. Go ahead and keep experimenting, because it's the only way you'll figure yourself out. By the way, you make a damn  hot guy!

Breasts are the worst haha! 

Good advice although I feel like I should find a friend to discuss it with.  I'm so bad at sharing things with people,  but at least I'm a good listener haha!

It's been a slow process of denial for the past year or two but I think I'm finally coming to terms with the fact it's perfectly okay to feel like this.  In five years I can sit back and laugh at my former self,  being so worried about accepting myself [emoji14]

And thank you for the compliment :3

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[mycelestialarchangel]

An update from today :

So two of my friends visited our apartment tonight.  I had a dnm with my male friend while roomie and our female friend were watching YouTube.  I told him how I was feeling and it was  so great to be able to share with someone.  He's gay so he knows that coming out is hard,  but he gave me a hug and ugh I just feel so happy right now :3

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[mycelestialarchangel]

More updates sent a letter to my mum yesterday .  She will receive it tomorrow or Thursday I think *breathes heavily. And I told my flatmate.  Granted it took a lot if alcohol before I could muster up the courage but she took it well

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