how much does it really bother you not being cis

[Dee Marshall]

If it didn't bother me, I would not have needed to transition in the first place.

I hadn't thought of it in those terms but I can understand your point. Before I realized that I'm trans I never thought about the cis/trans dichotomy. I didn't know what I was, but I didn't think of myself as cis. At best I thought of myself as doing a particularly poor job of being male. After I realized I certainly didn't consider myself cis. I did, and do, get upset about being perceived as cis-male. I also have no particular desire to be perceived as cis-female. I'm proud of my struggles.

[stephaniec]

ditto

[Echo Eve]

At best I thought of myself as doing a particularly poor job of being male.

Hi, Dee. If you don't mind, could you please elaborate on your above comment?

[HoneyStrums]

I dont know if not being cis bothers me, being trans doesnt bother me either.
Sure there are things that bother me as a result of both of those things, but... its not those things that bother be.

Eg., Im Mtf so eing reffered to as Male gets to me, but thats a result of not qualifying as fem in the mind of someone ells. Having to shave gets to me a lot too, exspecially when im exspected to just get up and go, and I take longer getting ready then people exspect. And having to tuck to ease body dysphoria.

So adress those issues and not being cis wouldnt be a problemb at all.

[Rikosa]

The main thing that currently bothers me about not being cis is the pregnancy aspect.  I will most likely never be able to experience that no matter how much I'd love to someday, but I've resigned myself to being satisfied with everything else I can and eventually will change or be able to do.

I'm also of the same mindset that if not being cis didn't bug me, I wouldn't have a need to transition.  My whole life (especially the last few years) I've yearned to be female and have always dreamed of someday waking up as one, so right now I feel as though I've missed out on so many things I'd have wish to experience as female.  None of my childhood or school life will be able to be fondly looked back on through a girl's eyes.  I was always hiding and envious.  I guess the hardest part for me about not being cis is how much I missed out on in my past.  I know I can't change it, but it still feels like I lost so much time and it hurts when I dwell on it.

[JynxRosalie]

Speaking as someone who is Pre-Transition and stuck in a place where I can't start, it bothers me immensely. I think about it more than any topic during the day, and any little thing involving gender can set it off. It's probably the reason I can't sleep so well at night as well.

[Dee Marshall]

Hi, Dee. If you don't mind, could you please elaborate on your above comment?

Not at all. First you have to understand that I was born in the mid-west US, in 1959, in a working class environment. As a child I cried easily, didn't care for roughhousing and, when I finally lost my temper went no holds barred nuclear. I was very sensitive. In that place and in that time children were pretty androgynous. We all played together, so I didn't get those clues. As I got older I resented having to be the one who had to make the first relationship move. I resented that girls clothes were more varied and attractive. I didn't play the aggressive competitive social games guys were good at, and yet people liked me. I didn't see this as acting like the girls were acting and it wasn't, quite. It was some strange hybrid. I remember thinking that it would all change when the people around me grew up, but it never did.

So, I've had two separate successful careers, kept a marriage going for 34 years and fathered one quite admirable son. I've been successful as a person, but not really as a man. When I've tried to be my actions have been stereotyped, stilted and I haven't liked myself much for what I've had to do. I won't even talk about the number of dangerous hobbies I've had and mostly enjoyed. That seems to be common for MtFs. I guess I just tried too hard and too randomly.

[noleen111]

It does not bother me on a daily basis anymore. As teenager I really wanted breasts, to wear the cute outfits and to wear earnings like the girls did. I wanted to develop into a woman.I will never forget, I was 13 and I had to go to a party on a very warm day with my parents and there was a 15 year old girl there and she was wearing this long flowing strapless dress. I so wanted to wear that dress, I so wanted to be her. I think that is the moment that started me down this path, i tried my first female clothing shortly after that.. a pair of black pantyhose, but would be almost 8 years before I started HRT

Today, well I have developed into that woman.. I have 3 holes in each ear and love wearing cute outfits, so I achieved what i wanted. I am a woman, i feel like one,I look like one, i have E flowing through my veins. I also love my breasts.. and to fill a bra with your own flesh is amazing.

The only thing that bothers me about not been cis, is the fact I cant fall pregnant. I want to be mother someday, adoption is my only option which is fine, but I still would loved to have carried a child to term.

[stephaniec]

yea , the child thing hurts, I was at Target yesterday and this young mother was feeding her 1 month old and kissing her.

[Jean24]

It bothers me all the time to the point where it completely consumed me a few years ago. Now all I think about is how much of my life was wasted while I sat in the closet, deprived of information, and wondering why I feel like this. Now it's shifted to how much is being wasted these days because HRT hasn't done anything since I began my medication months ago. It would have been nice to be happy with who I was, to have had a first kiss, to have had self confidence, or to have been loved.

I've been robbed of so much and I'm really unhappy about it. So much so that it has driven me to permanently shelve my current educational goals. I recently decided that I am going to be pursuing a new career that will allow me to fix my body's deficiencies, or I will die trying to make it right.

You asked 

[Lady Smith]

After all these years since I transitioned it doesn't bother me much at all that I'm not a cis woman.  My biggest regret was not being able to be pregnant, but on the other hand I've got two wonderful adult children who I love very much so that doesn't worry me so much anymore.  Besides I'm in my 60s so it's grandchildren I'm looking forward to now.

[stephaniec]

The child thing is interesting, but I lived my life without children either way so for me it really makes no difference

[Lady Smith]

The child thing is interesting, but I lived my life without children either way so for me it really makes no difference

I used to day dream about being pregnant back when I was a teenager so I guess it's pretty much been a lifelong thing for me Stephanie.

[rachel89]

The body can be partly fixed, but I will always be missing a lot that comes up with growing up as a girl. This part of being trans hurts me more than anything else , it hurts so bad you wouldn't even believe it. Surgeons, hair removal, voice training,and HRT can fix a lot of things, but they cannot take back everything. sorry, I'm crying now

[yurihime]

A looooooooottttt.. It would put an end to me being so broke.
It would end all the awkwardness that comes with being trans.
I am not really enjoying being trans since I lose a lot more than if I were cis female.
It is hard... very hard especially when you do not have much friends who can help at least emotionally.
I think this condition has cause me too much damage.
The treatment helps beautifully but sometimes I am reminded about everything and I cry.
You kind of have to forget about being cis or your world tears apart.. at least for me.

But yeah for me I rather just forget about it.. saves a lot of stress

[JynxRosalie]

The body can be partly fixed, but I will always be missing a lot that comes up with growing up as a girl. This part of being trans hurts me more than anything else , it hurts so bad you wouldn't even believe it. Surgeons, hair removal, voice training,and HRT can fix a lot of things, but they cannot take back everything. sorry, I'm crying now

I totally agree with this. I was just having this conversation with my girlfriend the other day. Yes my present body can be fixed, but nothing is going to ever be able to give me that experience as growing up as...well me. Wholely me. The first time I had a breakdown was partially because of this fact.

-hugs Rachel- I know your pain as well dear, best wishes for you.

[Swayallday]

A looooooooottttt.. It would put an end to me being so broke.
It would end all the awkwardness that comes with being trans.
I am not really enjoying being trans since I lose a lot more than if I were cis female.
It is hard... very hard especially when you do not have much friends who can help at least emotionally.
I think this condition has cause me too much damage.
The treatment helps beautifully but sometimes I am reminded about everything and I cry.
You kind of have to forget about being cis or your world tears apart.. at least for me.

But yeah for me I rather just forget about it.. saves a lot of stress

Pretty much. Too much that bothers me.
Knowing before puberty.
I should not let that have happened. As much as it is out of my control... Odd sensation.
ʅ(◔౪◔ ) ʃ   
Out with the old, in with the new !

[stephaniec]

ditto

[Princess H]

It bothers me a lot and I try not to dwell on it. I somehow feel inferior to natural born females, even though I know there is probably not that much difference at the end of it all (surgeries etc). I think a large part of why I feel this way is because I would really like to give birth to my own children. When I told my therapist this she just looked at me with wide eyes totally unsure what to say, because what do you say to fix that? Maybe if it became possible for me this feeling would evaporate, but until then this reallllly just bothers me. Could I just be jealous? I don't even know.

[Wynnflaeth64]

I hear everyone on the whole "I wouldn't be who I was if I was cis" front. But for me, I've had to suffer through a host of mental illnesses that came around purely as a result of the gender incongruence. In that regard, I can easily say it wouldn't be a choice for me to be cis. The pros of growing up trans don't outway the cons for me. Maybe it's easier for others to deal with it but I think it about it pretty frequently, as someone who has had to make frequent use of mental healthcare (and often not the understanding kind).