I got outed at work!

[RavenL]

Yes I am getting a legal name change next month along with my ID.  I don't fell that I'm rushing going full time yes it might have been just last month when I first went out. it has done wonders for my mood since I'm not having to hide the real me. Plus having to present as male is getting difficult for me where it makes me unhappy. 

And I'm perfectly comfortable going full time. Getting outed just moved my schedule ahead of time by a couple of months.

Edit Your right I'll just wait a few months or give up all together. I'm jumping into everything to quick sorry for wasting everyone's time

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[ajames.shirley]

Stay strong, hun

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[ajames.shirley]

Stay strong, hun. I'm proud of you for taking a hard situation and making the best of it.

[Promethea]

Raven, pay attention to your feelings and to what your intuition tells you. Only you know when the time is right. I was also pushed by circumstances into the right moment to transition and, despite some bumps in the road, I can't be more grateful for the way it happened.

[Jasper93]

I'm a literal mess right now tonight I found out after three hours that I got outed. I figured out that a guy I work with is also friends with one of my friends on tracked down my Facebook and somehow figured out it was me. And I had everything locked down tightly. And he was someone who I was always kind to and treated with respect and he ended up showing a picture of me to my entire crew of eight guys tonight during break! I only found out because one person on my crew is MtF just not showing it yet. After that I did notice everyone started treating me differently a couple guys were fine and one who is usually cold towards me was nicer but three more wouldn't have anything to do with me.

Where I work has little over four hundred people and I know its going to spread like wildfire within a couple of days. This isn't what I wanted to happen right now. I was planning on writing a letter to the market HR manager to get things rolling in a few months but now I've been shoved into the spotlight. I'm almost having a panic attack right now and have been close to crying for the past thirty minutes. I don't know what I should do at all now since I wasn't planning on everyone in my life knowing at this time. I'm sick to my stomach and can't imagine going to work tomorrow and having to face everyone. The only good thing is my job does have an anti-discrimination policy towards trans people along with my state.

I remember whenever I was outed at work. Next thing I know, people are whispering while I'm around, calling me "he" behind my back, and asking me really intrusive questions for which there were no punishment. It took a while to come to terms with how that just developed into a very unhealthy/unsafe working environment, and so I'm happy to be returning to university...

Ally

[Kellam]

I wasn't pushed into full time at work but I came out fast, like a month after self acceptance. A couple of the folks I work with are observant and unable to hold their tongues. Just an hour or so before I told my bosses one of the observant folks noted how much longer my hair was. I wanted to amswer questions instead of starting rumors. It was absolutely worth it for me. I wanted out of the closet so badly too. I needed the feeling that I was deceiving others to be done with. I needed to start living my truth.

Do as you feel is best Raven. Your heart knows the answer!

[iKate]

Are you getting a legal name change? It seems like you may be rushing into going full time, as it seems that I read one of your posts from only a couple of months ago where you said that you went out dressed in women's clothes for the first time. Sorry if I'm being a little negative, but I've seen to many people rush through their transition with bad consequences. Just because you were outed, it doesn't mean that you have to go full time right now.

I respectfully beg to differ.

If she's comfortable going full time, by all means she should.

Also, cat's pretty much out of the bag now, so presenting male would be kind of pointless. My managers' notification to staff was a day early thanks to a director not being available the planned day (and she has been my strongest ally in management). The next day my colleagues said, why even bother hiding, we know, it's cool, so stop covering up. And I did. And it was nervous at first but it was fantastic afterwards.

Also, I still haven't had my legal name change done yet (it is in process, papers are with the court, just waiting for a court date). But it hasn't hindered me one bit. My name has been changed everywhere at work except for payroll and expense reimbursement. Everyone knows me as my new name.

But yes, I do agree that rushing can have negative consequences. However I think the state of being "in between" is even worse. People can't figure out how to gender you and they misgender you and you end up sinking into dysphoria. At least that's how it was for me very early on.

Anyway, just a different perspective.

[RavenL]

ajames.shirley thank you! Promethea thank you! Ally thanks, hopefully I don't get too many comments so far most everyone that knows is nice to me. Kellam thank you as well!

iKate, and a big thank you to you, your post really helped me out. I never felt like I was rushing myself just that I was doing what was making me happy. I mean yes two months is quick but I've been able to adjust myself to living as female pretty well. I don't have any issue out in public nor do I get any looks. I would like to think I've bettered myself from where I was at the start of the year. I've said this in another post but my therapist did enough digging around in my head and managed to come up with a reason for why I've changed so much so quickly. Along with feeling different since I was five years old. My father never really let me have any friends since I was home schooled and isolated from social interaction, he tried to mold me into a younger version of himself. And because of that I developed an artificial personality that wasn't mine. To where I've been miserable with my life for years at being someone I wasn't. To the point of this year were I began to let myself go and didn't care about anything. But luckily I managed to pick myself up and do a lot of research to understand what was going on with me. And I couldn't have been happier once all the pieces started falling in place for me.

And yes my dyshoria at having to wear male clothes and acting male was pretty much ruining my life. Where the nine hours I was working became torture for me. And I was getting a lot of questions on why I was looking so sad. I can't stand doing the entire male thing for a few days. Then female for a day or two and back to male anylonger.

[iKate]

I not only had dysphoria but I was literally running out of clothes to wear. My men's clothing was ridiculously oversized for me now since I lost so much weight and muscle. I looked like a kid wearing her daddy's clothes. Not only that, but everything would show obvious breast development. Can't have that. It would also end up showing my bra (which I had to wear, because walking is painful without one, and rubbing my nipples on a dress shirt is distracting). I had no more men's underwear left because it was all busted up to shreds (I just simply refused to buy new ones for a long, long time).

It also killed me to use the men's loo. I couldn't take it much longer.

The dual life thing also sucked pretty badly. 

Over the winter and early spring I dressed androgynously. I wore a giant fleece jacket over it. That worked well, until... well things began to get warmer. Nearing my first proposed full time date, my therapist said I should move it up because not only am I ready but it makes no sense hiding any further. People will see what they see and it's better I get it over with now rather than wait.

And that I did.

You'll be fine. You seem to have your head up high and you don't take abuse from people which is good. The trash has been taken out and your remaining colleagues will hopefully be supportive or just tolerant.

[Dena]

Raven, you know I have been watching you from the start and I learned something pretty quickly about you. You are going to things at your own rate and the best thing to do is to stand off to the side in order to avoid getting run over. I am a bit envious of how fast you have moved as I moved far slower. The important thing is that what every you attempted, you succeeded at so I am very careful not to tell you what to do and I only offer advice when requested. Doing most anything else would slow you down. You know what the right direction is and if I can help, let me know. Other than that, full speed ahead.

[RavenL]

ikate I can understand running out of men's clothes. Over the past year I've lost so much weight that my XL stuff made me look awful. And I've always hated shopping for men's clothes even before now and kept putting it off. And at this point I was going to have to buy men's stuff next month but didn't want to.

The bathroom issue also I can understand. Even when I was really young I've always had a major issue going into one. And have always gone to a family one if its available for years.

Thanks again ikate!

Dena, thank you! I think you might understand me even better then myself! I'll always appreciate any advice you or anyone else gives me. I guess I'm moving fast since I feel like most of my life has been a void and I want to make up for it.

No work update today since I'm off. But I know the shift manager was going to letter the other managers know about me and tidy up a few more things with HR. I know Friday they are having a meeting since the entire store is getting restructured for new positions and she is taking that opportunity to announce my transition as well. So here's the thing the meeting well be at like 9am or so. I am scheduled to work that day at 1pm. And was wondering if I should try to take a personal day to let the dust settle? Or just go in and hold my head up high?

[BirlPower]

Hi Raven, New signee but long-time lurker here.

I've followed this thread since you started it and it has turned into a lovely lemons to lemonade story. I'm so happy it is turning out well for you. It shows the world is really changing and that change seems to be accelerating. It gives us fearties in the closet hope that our day, if it comes might not be so bad after all.

As an observer peeking from said closet, it seems to me that the timing is perfect for you to work as normal. 9am to 1PM is enough time for the chatter to die down and everyone to be expecting the real you. If you stay at home your day might be wasted, and your sleep disturbed with wrestling the butterflies. Just my thought. It sounds to me that however you decide to play it, it is all going to be just great. Sounds like you are in a really great company.

I wish you the very best of days whichever one you decide to do it..

Hugs B

[Claraaa]

Yay Raven!!  Thanks for sharing again.  I know that when the day arrives for me I will benefit from your experience. 

Clara

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[Jessie Ann]

One thing I know about my transition is that once I made my decision there has not been any second guessing and I could not be happier with my decision.  I hope that it works out as well for you as it has for me.

I took the slow and cautious route. 3 months from starting hormones to name/gender change and an additional 2 weeks to going full time at work.  I didn't have to worry about being outed at work because very shortly after making my decision I began letting everyone know. Much like Kate, once I was on the way many of my co-workers said just go full time now.  I decided to wait the last couple of weeks because we were moving to a new building and that is how I wanted to start. 

I have not had anything but acceptance at work.  In fact, I have maybe made some of the ladies in my office up their appearance game a little bit because of my wearing dresses and matching my jewelry to my clothes.  I have received complements from most of my co-workers on how I am handling everything.

So yes, you can do this Raven.  And judging by your appearance and personal strength, you will not only do it, you will do it well.

Good luck to you girl and I hope your experience is as good as mine has been. 

[RavenL]

Thanks for the kind words ladies.

Feeling kind of down today and not looking forward to going to work. Stuff is starting to go through my head now that I'll have customers calling me names, getting weird looks etc and I don't know if I can deal with it. Right now I'm close to the point of telling management not to announce anything and just keep a low profile for a few months.   

[Dena]

It's just the jitters. You are going to face it sometime and customers are about the color of money. I worked a sale trailer at a shoot with over 4000 customer walking through and not an unpleasant experience. If you think back you had this same feeling coming out and look at how well things have gone for you. You will make it work as you always have so be strong and in a few days you will look back and wonder what all the fuss was about.

[mijo2053]

I'm a literal mess right now tonight I found out after three hours that I got outed. I figured out that a guy I work with is also friends with one of my friends on tracked down my Facebook and somehow figured out it was me. And I had everything locked down tightly. And he was someone who I was always kind to and treated with respect and he ended up showing a picture of me to my entire crew of eight guys tonight during break! I only found out because one person on my crew is MtF just not showing it yet. After that I did notice everyone started treating me differently a couple guys were fine and one who is usually cold towards me was nicer but three more wouldn't have anything to do with me.

Where I work has little over four hundred people and I know its going to spread like wildfire within a couple of days. This isn't what I wanted to happen right now. I was planning on writing a letter to the market HR manager to get things rolling in a few months but now I've been shoved into the spotlight. I'm almost having a panic attack right now and have been close to crying for the past thirty minutes. I don't know what I should do at all now since I wasn't planning on everyone in my life knowing at this time. I'm sick to my stomach and can't imagine going to work tomorrow and having to face everyone. The only good thing is my job does have an anti-discrimination policy towards trans people along with my state.

Aww I feel for you I am sorry 

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[kittenpower]

I respectfully beg to differ.

If she's comfortable going full time, by all means she should.

Also, cat's pretty much out of the bag now, so presenting male would be kind of pointless. My managers' notification to staff was a day early thanks to a director not being available the planned day (and she has been my strongest ally in management). The next day my colleagues said, why even bother hiding, we know, it's cool, so stop covering up. And I did. And it was nervous at first but it was fantastic afterwards.

Also, I still haven't had my legal name change done yet (it is in process, papers are with the court, just waiting for a court date). But it hasn't hindered me one bit. My name has been changed everywhere at work except for payroll and expense reimbursement. Everyone knows me as my new name.

But yes, I do agree that rushing can have negative consequences. However I think the state of being "in between" is even worse. People can't figure out how to gender you and they misgender you and you end up sinking into dysphoria. At least that's how it was for me very early on.

Anyway, just a different perspective.

It's a personal journey, so I agree, that everyone should go at their own pace. I must be wimpy, I guess, since I was on HRT for 5 years and had some FFS before I went full time.

[Dena]

It's a personal journey, so everyone goes at their own pace. I must be wimpy, I guess, since I was on HRT for 5 years and had some FFS before I went full time.

I spent two years on hormones and about 6 in therapy before I went full time. I wouldn't have done the nose if I hadn't of needed the adams apple shaved but I figured the nose could use it so I had a two at one time. Saved me the trauma of adding another surgery to my accumulation. The real wimp is me for fearing doctors and surgery so much. Even if I though FFS would do me some good, I don't think I could work up the courage to go through something like that. Hopefully my voice surgery will be the last I ever face but I did say that 33 years ago.

[RavenL]

Well another update for today good news and bad news.

First the good news. I can actually use the bathroom if I want since against policy not to let me. Right now I'm not at the point of being comfortable yet but it's nice to know I have the option. Also all the managers apart from two know about me and support me

Bad news market HR says they can't announce that I'm going full time say in it might make it look like they are forcing me to. So I'm going to have to discuss this with everyone I'll be working with tomorrow and Friday oh well I'll manage some how.

More bad news now a few guys on my crew went to my manager saying I'm being mean to them and acting aggressive. And my manager asked me about it and I said if anything they are acting mean towards me and I said don't you think it's odd that all the sudden I'm getting complaints about me. I think he realized his mistake and kind of backtracked. Anyway I went ahead and asked him if I can work out on the floor tomorrow and Friday. Since im getting really uncomfortable back there. And im good for tomorrow but don't know about Friday yet.

At least I only have four more hours after my lunch to work with these guys directly and then I'm pretty much done.

edit and here's rest of the nights update. Two of the newer managers were super nice to me and one even waved at me which she's never done before. The guy that kind of made a fuss about me this evening came back from lunch and was really nice and polite with me. I think he kind of realized he made a mistake and actually started talking to me tonight which was nice. Also got brave enough and I switched out my badge from my old name and went as Raven for the first time tonight. The shift mananger that was on tonight started talking to me and said "Well i guess you are really starting two new jobs Saturday" And I was like "Yeah, I guess so" He just told me he'll watch out for me and it might be rough going for a few months. He also said that he wished I would've told him earlier he would have helped me. So another one as an ally!

Other then that the night went good apart from locking my keys in my car! Got that sorted out at least. 

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