I've had/am having two weird experiences that are really knocking me out of my equilibrium and making me question pretty much everything I thought I knew about myself, and I'm wondering if anyone else has had anything like the same reactions, or if it's just me being crazy.
I'm on vacation in a place with the usual summer activities -- swimming, sailing, etc. It's a place I've been going with the kids for a number of years, but this year, I've been having a lot more trouble getting interested in anything. Well, as I was walking back from one of them (can't remember which one), I had this thought: "I'd enjoy this a lot more as a woman."
My immediate reaction was: that's ridiculous. Why would presenting as a woman make any difference in, say, swimming? But I do notice that I feel envious of women being able to wear women's bathing suits, both in the sense of being allowed to and of having bodies (of whatever age or shape) which those suits are designed for. Which seems stupid to me. When I'm out in one of the little sailboats they have here, I don't think about my body, but when I'm going in or out and seeing women rigging their boats and getting in, I feel envious. And one time when I was out swimming, there were a bunch of boys and men on the raft (and some in the water), and they were having a "diving" (i.e., jump in the water with a lot of noise and splashing) contest and being very "guy-ish", and I felt like a space alien (remember them from the supermarket tabloids?) My brain says being/living as a woman wouldn't have made any difference in the situation, but still...
Second: a few days ago, I decided to shave off my beard, which I've had for something like 40 years. When I looked at myself in the mirror, my reaction was: who the hell is that? And each time I see myself now, I feel repulsed. It's not that I'm objectively all that ugly (for my age), it's more like an enotional allergic reaction to how I look. I woke up in the middle of the night, unable to get back to sleep, just thinking about how awful it is to be in that body. It's weird, because it's not like my body suddenly changed, but I suddenly have this feeling like I only got stuck inside it just recently. I'm reminded of an "assigned male" comic where the main character (trans girl) is reacting to the phrase "a girl trapped in a boy's body" and saying things like, "it's true! I put it on, and the zipper got stuck and I can't get it off," except that she's joking and, at some level, I'm not. I'm tempted to grow the beard back so I can go back to just feeling ugly. But I want to transition, and it'd be hard to live as a woman with a beard. And besides, I don't know how I'd get through even the few weeks it would take to grow something visible.
Rationally, I know I'll get through this somehow. I've gotten through the past 60+ years. But in my feelings, I can't see how. The "inner emigration"? Suicide of the soul (again)? It just feels like I can't go on.
P.S.: in case anyone responds and wants a response from me, internet access here is a little complicated, so I can't check back all that regularly. But I will check back.
