Is it just cowardly?

[Smoony]

I'm a grown adult, but I still live with my parents. We're content together most the time. I'm their caretaker and butler/maid, to put the scenario in a nutshell.

I don't think I'm brave enough to come out all at once. My method over the past year has been to feminize my appearance and behavior bit by bit. And to make sorta quips directed at myself to see how they react (that ones harder to explain in a short message). My brother suspects what is going on, and I can tell he's open to the idea, but I still can't bring myself to openly say "I am transgender". I've never even done that on the internet until now.

Is this method even viable? Or am I just beating around the bush and being cowardly? I guess what I'm waiting on is for someone around me to call me out on it, to give me an opening to admit the fact out loud.

[Kellam]

You are not being cowardly, you are doing what works for you! I was slowly testing the waters with the folks I felt comfortable with for a good year before taking the leap. I would say just keep doing what feels right for you. When and if you are ready you will know.

Oh, and welcome to Susan's!

[Smoony]

Thank you for the response and welcome, Kellam.

I followed the link in your signature. Your story moved me!

[enigmaticrorschach]

first off, welcome to susans smoony. no your not cowardly. your just doing what your comfortable with. i actually just blatantly said out loud i was a girl, which took my mother for a loop since i've kept saying it and not even knowing what i meant. if you brother sees it, maybe he can help initiate the conversation. i wish you the best of luck and hope to see you around the forum 

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[Kellam]

Thank you for the response and welcome, Kellam.

I followed the link in your signature. Your story moved me!

You're welcome and thanks!

So glad I could be of any help...

[Ms Grace]

Hey Smoony, welcome to the forum. Some people go for a big splash in the deep end of the pool while other dip their toe in at the shallow end. Most people never suspect that someone is trans (they usually think they're gay/lesbian) instead - so dropping vague hints may not get you anywhere. We're always big on telling people that baby steps are fine, especially when it comes to coming out of the closet. A few things to keep in mind though, if you are taking steps forward but then backwards, or essentially going in circles then you will probably get frustrated and never accomplish what you want to do. The other thing is consider finding someone like a therapist who can help you to confront the fear you have of the possible around coming out to your folks.

[janetcgtv]

Nothing wrong with what you are doing. Find out what your parents attitude about us. Ask them what do they think about us when we are on TV or the street. If your parents are hostile stay in stealth mode until you can live on your own. If they are not hostile, then you can make mistakes about leaving somethings out or wear a very light shade of lipstick in pink or you can discuss yourself to them

Have a nice day!

[Smoony]

I wish there were more phrases in our language to express "thank you", b/c I do hate sounding repetitive. But thank you. Appreciation times a thousand. You all know what you're talking about. It matches up exactly with my experiences.

I'll try the lipstick trick. Lol, that rhymes.

<3

[JeffJefftyJeff]

Smoony, there is not a chance in heck I'd call that cowardly - you're brave to be taking those first steps out of the closet! If it's reassuring at all, my own sort of... process of coming to terms with who I am and testing the waters with my spouse has taken me just about eleven years right now (from the first time she found out I was using a male name online and going by male pronouns waaaay back shortly after we first met, to very brief, usually quickly-retracted attempts throughout our relationship). I think, like others have said, that really the most important thing is to come out at a pace that is comfortable for you, that feels safe and allows *you* to feel empowered and in control of your situation; sometimes I wish I'd done so earlier, but I don't think I was ready for myself - or even really knew what I needed - until just this past year. Pushing yourself to go faster than you're ready just because you have some preconceived notion of what the "right" or "brave" way to do it is... may be more harmful than beneficial, in the long run.

And that is really, really awesome to hear that you think your brother is going to be supportive! I know it can be hard to talk to someone - even someone you think will be supportive of you - but it can be a big step in helping *you* feel more secure in who you are. If saying it out loud is too hard for you, you could always write a letter or an email, or talk to him over the phone (if an in-person thing is something you're not ready for). But either way, you are *already* being brave just to start the process of coming out.

[Pax Fidelis]

I wouldn't call that cowardly at all. That's the way I did it.

I have social anxiety issues, so I can't do confrontation. I slowly changed my clothing bit by bit (this was probably less obvious from my end as I'm FtM and I was already considered a tomboy.) Gender-neutral clothes to blatantly boy clothes, eventually cutting my hair, buying boxers and men's deoderant, all while having carefully planned excuses for everything (ex. I would have told them my binder was a special kind of sports wear, and I only washed them at night.) I got to the point where I was tired of being in the closet, but I hoped I could make them guess rather than having to tell them. So I started attempting to be obvious with it. I left my binders out, I left my deoderant out, I tried subtle hints to see how they felt about trans people (ex. Asking how they felt when someone was on the news.)

Finally I got tired of waiting and decided they would never get the hint. So I waited for a day when I knew I'd be gone for at least 24hrs (to give them some time to process everything,) and I wrote them a letter. I then put the letter on the kitchen counter and left.

There are some people who would call that cowardly. If they want to think that, that's their business. I did it the only way I could. My anxiety issues would have made a face-to-face coming out pretty much impossible. Even if I could have managed it, chances are I would have been so nervous I would have stumbled over my words, unable to explain myself clearly, and forgotten half the things I wanted to say. I am much better at writing things out, so I did. I was able to organize my thoughts, explain everything to my own satisfaction, and not be in a situation that would probably have caused me a panic attack.

You have to do things the way that works for you. There are people out there who may call it cowardly, those people are judgemental and can't understand another person's point of view properly. Try not to get tangled up in that. It's not their place to judge you, they're not you and it's not their life.

[Valwen]

I am 34 and still live with my parents and dealing with them is the single hardest thing I could do, i was 16 or so when I first tried to come out to my mother, and she took it very very poorly 4 or so years later I did it again and it was still awful and ended with my mother telling me "whatever you want to do alone in your room at night is ok but don't force us to deal with that"

jump forward 14ish years and more emotional/suisidal close calls than is safe to think about and I did it all again, this time it was totally different I don't know why, perhaps it was persistance or she may have read up on things I don't know but this time total acceptance, after a month she is doing fairly well with pronouns and name and gave me a birthday card addressed to Serena that makes me cry thinking about it.

so your not a coward, dealing with family is the hardest part of transision and easing them into it may be the best way to get them to accept it.

::hugs::
Serena