Questioning my life

[KaityVoivre]

I'm trying to find a purpose, a reason to go on living. I suffer from intrusive thoughts and hallucinations, the growing realisation I can never be with anyone I love. I was recently hospitalised for trying to kill myself and I fear I may do so again soon. I have a history of drug and alcohol abuse and I'm afraid to get help as the last time I tried to get help, I got kicked out of my school (Woodrow Wilson Rehabilitation Center). I'm saddened by the thought I'll never undergo SRS, something I need. I can't tell you how many times I held a razor blade to my genitals and wanted to cut them off as I can't deal with them.

I'm couch surfing at my parent's house right now since I'm homeless and their house is a pile of ->-bleeped-<- that is in bad need of being condemned. I have a set of skills with computer repair but can't find work and due to bilateral knee issues, hearing damage from the army and scoliosis I can't do jobs that require communication and standing or lifting.

I'm worthless and I don't want to go on anymore in this world. I need help but can't seem to get it without deepening my own problems. I can't stop getting rejected by everyone I ever love either. Why can't I be the random trans person that gets murdered, rather than someone who loves life and the world they live in?

[CosmicJoke]

((Hugs)) I have been through alot of what you are saying with the intrusive thoughts. I have been in therapy for many years, and talked to a psychiatrist for many years also. I was and still am on some medication for my many issues that really did not even dissipate until I begun the process of transition.
I feel your pain in many ways. I understand that feeling unloved is the most agonizing pain one can feel.
Please, pm me if you need someone to talk to :-)

[KaityVoivre]

((Hugs)) I have been through alot of what you are saying with the intrusive thoughts. I have been in therapy for many years, and talked to a psychiatrist for many years also. I was and still am on some medication for my many issues that really did not even dissipate until I begun the process of transition.
I feel your pain in many ways. I understand that feeling unloved is the most agonizing pain one can feel.
Please, pm me if you need someone to talk to :-)

I tried to PM you, but the site won't let me yet. I'm doing everything I can to keep myself from overdosing on my meds or walking out to the car with a hose or walking onto I-81. Hospitalisation doesn't help, it just puts me into more debt that I can't pay and I don't want to live like this anymore and In can't ever seem to change anything. Drugs and alcohol are the only things that help me get through each day and soon I'll be out of money.

I can't imagine living like this for even a few more months, let alone being here years to talk to a psychiatrist. Psychiatrists don't help, they only use what you say against you and further compound your problems. I have no community here and nowhere I can go in my little crappy car.

Whenever I drive anywhere I just want to veer into the nearest pole or off a bridge or something. I want to stop hearing, seeing and feeling everything I do, I want this nightmarish life to be over with already. People I thought were my friends won't even talk to me anymore, so I'm without a support system at all and that's kind of how it's been my whole life, constant rejection and loneliness. Been thinking about going out of state and buying a gun and ending this crap already.

I can't even get the Army to give me a DD-214 so I can get VA help, I have a limited medicaid card that apparently covers hormones, but little else in the way of help. I have no purpose in life, nobody around to share anything with.

[Mariah]

As soon as you reach 15 posts you can send a pm. I'm not sure where you live but there area always resources available that could help you pay some of those bills and help allow you to get the care you need. Don't forget helplines are also there to help you out as well. Hugs
Mariah

I tried to PM you, but the site won't let me yet. I'm doing everything I can to keep myself from overdosing on my meds or walking out to the car with a hose or walking onto I-81. Hospitalisation doesn't help, it just puts me into more debt that I can't pay and I don't want to live like this anymore and In can't ever seem to change anything. Drugs and alcohol are the only things that help me get through each day and soon I'll be out of money.

I can't imagine living like this for even a few more months, let alone being here years to talk to a psychiatrist. Psychiatrists don't help, they only use what you say against you and further compound your problems. I have no community here and nowhere I can go in my little crappy car.

Whenever I drive anywhere I just want to veer into the nearest pole or off a bridge or something. I want to stop hearing, seeing and feeling everything I do, I want this nightmarish life to be over with already. People I thought were my friends won't even talk to me anymore, so I'm without a support system at all and that's kind of how it's been my whole life, constant rejection and loneliness. Been thinking about going out of state and buying a gun and ending this crap already.

I can't even get the Army to give me a DD-214 so I can get VA help, I have a limited medicaid card that apparently covers hormones, but little else in the way of help. I have no purpose in life, nobody around to share anything with.

[Dena]

Keep the conversation on this thread and when you hit 15 post you will be able to PM. Your problem is a bit more than I think I can handle but I might be able to help a little. The task of transitioning and gaining SRS is enormous and looks like an impossible task. It was for me at one point in my life. The solution was to divide it into many small task and do them one at a time. In my case, money needed a job and I had a skill that could be used to earn that money. When I started treatment information on treatment was non-existant and I ended up spending extra money until I found the treatment I needed. Clearing the clutter out of my head was a major undertaking but it has given me a very stable personality and helped to make me happy with myself. SRS on the other hand didn't really change anything in my life from what I already had but it finished off a process I had started 8 years before.
I suggest you look at your life and find something you can start doing today to fix your life and make it better with a end goal of reaching your dream. The change need not be major, it just needs to be something you can look at and say I just made myself a better person today. If you can do this, soon you will see how your life is getting better and you will have the strength to make even more gains.

[CosmicJoke]

I tried to PM you, but the site won't let me yet. I'm doing everything I can to keep myself from overdosing on my meds or walking out to the car with a hose or walking onto I-81. Hospitalisation doesn't help, it just puts me into more debt that I can't pay and I don't want to live like this anymore and In can't ever seem to change anything. Drugs and alcohol are the only things that help me get through each day and soon I'll be out of money.

I can't imagine living like this for even a few more months, let alone being here years to talk to a psychiatrist. Psychiatrists don't help, they only use what you say against you and further compound your problems. I have no community here and nowhere I can go in my little crappy car.

Whenever I drive anywhere I just want to veer into the nearest pole or off a bridge or something. I want to stop hearing, seeing and feeling everything I do, I want this nightmarish life to be over with already. People I thought were my friends won't even talk to me anymore, so I'm without a support system at all and that's kind of how it's been my whole life, constant rejection and loneliness. Been thinking about going out of state and buying a gun and ending this crap already.

I can't even get the Army to give me a DD-214 so I can get VA help, I have a limited medicaid card that apparently covers hormones, but little else in the way of help. I have no purpose in life, nobody around to share anything with.

I completely understand. Look for the silver lining, even if is just a sliver. You haven't killed yourself yet, so something is keeping you here. What desire do you see and feel?
Focus on that sliver of light, and stay strong. There is something waiting for you... Some great gift. A great and beautiful gift...

[Jayne]

Big hugs, hang in there hun

If your thoughts take you to a dark place then please phone a helpline, they're there to help, advise and listen.
Things may seem hopeless right now but things will get better, 3 years ago I was out of work and homeless, now I have a flat of my own and am due to start an apprenticeship early next year to become a support worker for the homeless.
3 years ago I could never have predicted the direction my life would take me, back then everything seemed hopeless just as you describe but now my future is filled with potential just as yours is.

[Yenneffer]

Hey and sorry

[Rachel]

A gender therapist can help you with your transition. HRT did a lot to help my dysphoria.

I understand what you are saying about alcohol, dugs and genital hatred. SRS is a ways away for me too and seams so distant.

One thing that helped me is to make a list of the things I need to do and dates next to the items as a goal. If you have 100 things you need to do with SRS the last then it becomes a plan. Starting is half the journey.

I am lucky because  I am close to an awesome LGBTI area where I work and my employer is very LGBTI friendly.

I am an alcoholic and drug user; I am clean and sober 17 years. I has a choice given to me by a doctor and I chose life. 17 years later and Monday I will be making an appointment to start antidepressants because I need to stop doing impulsive things that are dangerous when I am depressed.

You have a lot of things to do and you need to start with the 1st thing. DO it and celebrate the success. Then do another one. Take one day at a time.

My 1st therapist told me to slow down and focus on today and do one thing and it will build upon itself.