I feel like I'm suffocating

[Sinessi]

I never had a large amount of gender dysphoria.  A few weeks ago, if someone had even mentioned the idea that I could trans, I probably would have laughed.  However, a couple of days ago it was as if all the pieces of a puzzle snapped into place.  It's crazy how I managed to ignore something so obvious.

The problem is that now I'm feeling sick, really sick.  It feels like I'm suffocating.  I have to constantly stop what I'm doing and force myself to breathe.  I can hardly sleep, and my appetite is greatly diminishing.  Is it normally for these feelings to be so sudden?  It feels like they came out of nowhere!

I know I need to talk to someone.  I feel like I'll go insane if I don't.  In a moment of clear-headedness I called my mom, who is on vacation out of state, and told her I had something extremely important to tell her when she returned from her trip in two days.  She doesn't know what I have to tell her, but she promised she would support me no matter what.

The problem is that I'm chickening out.  I constantly have moments where I disengage from reality.  I keep telling myself that there's no way this can be real.  I'm just hallucinating, dreaming, or reading a story.  That there is no way I could really be feeling like this. 

I'm panicking to the extreme and I'm scared.  This is just too big of an event.  What do I do?

[Jessica Merriman]

First you talk to your mom. Then dependent on what you two discover get a therapist with gender issue experience. Most of us have had the panic follow when the pieces came together, so you are not alone in any way. A really good therapist, preferably a (Psychologist not Psychiatrist) can help you discover what to do for treatment of your issue. That may include therapy, low dose HRT, regular dose HRT or even surgeries. You will discover in time what is best. Now, just breathe and write your feelings down so you do not have to think of them in the emotionally charged meeting with your mom. Take it slow and do it right.

[Lynne]

As Jessica said writing your feelings down can help a lot, I know it helped me. Having the support of your mother will be a great help as well.
These feelings can easily overwhelm anyone and can feel surreal, sometimes I still don't believe it myself that I'm in this situation.

[Dena]

OK 18 years old. I don't know if they still teach it in school but there is the story of Pandora's Box and in a way this is the same thing. Once that box is opened, everything has to be dealt with but don't forget that the last thing to come out of the box is hope. I suspect you have had a fair amount of the bottled up for years and by coming to this web site these feelings can no longer be contained. It was much like that for me at one time.
I had been in therapy for several years when I had a chance meeting with some other TSs in my Endo's office. They told me about a therapy group they were attending and as I really hadn't been making much progress where I was I decided to give it a shot. In that first meeting seeing so many others like me, I was hit with a flood of emotions so powerful that I felt I wasn't worthy of the others and I left that night thinking I should never return to that group. Thinking about it for the remainder of the week, I decided I should attend at least another meeting and that group made treatment possible for me. This web site has provided you a safe place to explore your feelings so the walls are no longer needed to contain them. It is going to be a wild ride for the next few weeks but before long you will look at this and say it was the turning point in your life. I hope this helps.

[Ms Grace]

It's quite common to feel overwhelmed when, as you say, the pieces of the puzzle fall into place and all the things that never felt right suddenly make sense. It's a fairly devastating epiphany - you can see exactly what is wrong but the solution is not an easy one, so it's easy to understand why you feel panicked. There's a lot to work out but the good thing is that you have time on your side, plenty of time to make the right decisions. Talking to a therapist can help you sort out a lot of thoughts and feelings and give you the chance to plan a way forward, whatever that may be. I know that once the realisation strikes you feel you need to deal with it immediately and get it solved ASAP but the reality is that just isn't possible - but it's amazing what baby steps will accomplish and before you know it you will be making great strides.

[Mariah]

I'm not sure I can add anything hasn't already been said. I will say that I know it can and does feel like a lot to deal with when you start. The costs and the all the tasks ahead is something it takes time to sort through. Save money as much as you can though because transitioning cost so much money. Hugs
Mariah