Same crap again today. I am getting sick of this. When I have a job I will move, and because of their intolerance for even minor changes in my appearance, I will cut them out my life. I realize my dad will try and manipulate me with offers to pay for school only if I cut my hair or whatever, but I cannot take their emotional abuse and blackmail for much longer. They are publicly normal relatively tolerant people, but cannot tolerate "different' or "weird" when it comes to me. Dear parents if you ever read, yes I am trans, yes I am a little weird, No I will not cut my hair for you, or fall for that B.S. piece of emotional blackmail you have been throwing at me since Thursday asking me what grandma would think. I will move out and cut you and your family out of my life before I stop transitioning. Your attitude so far has confirmed my fears about coming out to you. Living in the closet is horrible, it is depressing, it causes more anxiety than I already have, it contributes to my drinking that you hate so much. If you wonder why I say that I hate living here and why I hate you, this it. please do not think I am a very forgiving person either, you may not know it yet, but your latest session of shouting at me and grilling me about why my hair is "long" has ensured that things will never be the same again. In therapy we spend a lot of time discussing the tensions between us. I realize that I create a lot my own problems, but you also create a tremendous amount of pain in my life when I cannot be sure if I will have a home when you find out or if I will have a home here but be subject to constant shouting, questioning, and put-downs, all while telling me how much they love me and want the best for me. With the nearly constant trickle of put-downs and "advice" and dad's temper, I do not feel safe right now. Dear parents, if you cannot accept or merely tolerate me, you should have never had children, it was a horrible mistake on your part, and just as you are ashamed of me, I am ashamed of you for choosing to have me. If you can ever find it in either of you to be more open minded, we can talk, I know a guy at PFLAG (Parents and Friends of lesbians and Gays), who can help facilitate a discussion, but things will never be the same, there is no more trust, and I will never look to you for emotional support. Finding emotional support elsewhere has helped me curb my drinking more than any amount of shouting, threats, or other expressions of anger from you ever has. If you are worried about me, you can know that things are getting better for trans people, it is not your's or any ones fault that I am trans, just as it is no ones fault that someone is gay, I did not hate a lot of childhood, and you should also know that I feel like I could have a relatively normal life (okay, being trans is infrequent, but not necessary bad) if I didn't have to live in a closet. I feel better about myself and I am more outgoing and pro-social, when you are not around and I can be myself. I have endured insults and questions about being gay in middle and high school (I wasn't actually gay, but I knew I was different and didn't have the words or means to express it). In college, I kept my cross-dressing private and my dirty little secret, about 2 years ago, I realized it was something more, but couldn't do anything about it until i had a job. By this time i found the words for it and began seeing a therapist, purchased women's clothing, and makeup, and even started some electrolysis (a very painful hair removal process, that trans women undergo, that men probably couldn't tolerate for one session). I have been insulted and even had a threats directed at me once, but none of that compares to emotional abuse you have heaped on me lately on an increasingly frequent basis. I will not stop transitioning because of it or any other threats of withholding support that you might direct at me. The end result of this will be that your child will want nothing to do with you. You can choose to tolerate me and we can work things out with my therapist and a group like PFLAG or we can separate and never see or hear from each other again. It is your choice. You can choose to have a daughter that has some the characteristics of your son, or you can choose to not have me be a part of your life at all.
