Friends who don't take misgendering seriously?

[FTMax]

I have a friend from college who was overseas for the last few years. He has since come back home and seen me 10 or so times since I started transitioning. He continuously struggles with pronouns and frequently uses "girl" with me. At first I would gently correct him, then it progressed to a joking "I don't know who you're calling she because I have more facial hair than you", and now it's a much less patient correction.

He recently moved into my neighborhood and my roommate and I have been hanging out with him more. It doesn't seem to matter who is doing the correcting or what tone it's done in, nothing fazes this guy. It's literally in one ear and out the other. He always brushes it off with lines like "oh, you know what I mean" or "it's just a filler word/phrase, it doesn't mean anything".

He's been a good friend in the past. My roommate and I both agreed that he's slow on the uptake and may take longer to really "get it". My girlfriend thinks he's a jerk, and doesn't get any vibe of him being sorry for what he's doing, which I also agree with. Intention matters a lot more to me than the misgendering. I can deal with it as long as he understands that he's wrong and feels bad about it, but I truly don't think he does despite knowing how much it bothers me.

I am getting to the point where I want to cut him off, but I don't want to do that until I've exhausted all of my options. If you've had friends/family/acquaintances that were apathetic about using the right terms with/for you, how did you address it to make it finally sink in for them?

[CosmicJoke]

I have a friend from college who was overseas for the last few years. He has since come back home and seen me 10 or so times since I started transitioning. He continuously struggles with pronouns and frequently uses "girl" with me. At first I would gently correct him, then it progressed to a joking "I don't know who you're calling she because I have more facial hair than you", and now it's a much less patient correction.

He recently moved into my neighborhood and my roommate and I have been hanging out with him more. It doesn't seem to matter who is doing the correcting or what tone it's done in, nothing fazes this guy. It's literally in one ear and out the other. He always brushes it off with lines like "oh, you know what I mean" or "it's just a filler word/phrase, it doesn't mean anything".

He's been a good friend in the past. My roommate and I both agreed that he's slow on the uptake and may take longer to really "get it". My girlfriend thinks he's a jerk, and doesn't get any vibe of him being sorry for what he's doing, which I also agree with. Intention matters a lot more to me than the misgendering. I can deal with it as long as he understands that he's wrong and feels bad about it, but I truly don't think he does despite knowing how much it bothers me.

I am getting to the point where I want to cut him off, but I don't want to do that until I've exhausted all of my options. If you've had friends/family/acquaintances that were apathetic about using the right terms with/for you, how did you address it to make it finally sink in for them?

I think the best thing you could possibly do is listen to your heart. Is he really a worthwhile friend to you? What impact would cutting him off have on you, and why do you need to work so hard at correcting him?
I think those are the key questions to ask yourself. I have family, and then some people I went to school with and knew me before the transition. Some of my family/acquaintances have screwed up, though I have a good feeling in my gut that they are no asset to me, so I choose to take the high road and distance myself from them as much as I can.
It sounds like this guy you're talking about is just dead wood imho. The situation can become hostile. I get angered by it when it happens to me...

[noeleena]

Hi,.

Well im a bit different and get all sorts of names and miss spelling for years  so im used to it .

Being what I am I spos is not an issue so if I get him her , she he or some other form I just say Oh....  what ever , and carry on , now if I get a Mr then I jump and I tell them im a bloody female and theres ....NO....Mr in our house so get it changed .

Because im well known and going back 57 years and people from then know my background and when I changed my name and even that does not matter  from noel  or no-el  to noeleena, and even over night per TVNZ almost every one called me noeleena so its very rare I get called no-el . 

If our country can over night those who saw my interviews on two TV stations change to my name of noeleena and call me that then I don't see an issue with some one who has known you for a while cant change say with in a few weeks , I find its not a matter of not getting it right its more a don't wont to change .

Those who call me him or he is just a laugh for me as they know im a bloody female just im a builder as well and well  you know chippy.s on the job are mostly men so its okay, I can handle it  and they know I don't care or get uppity about it sometimes we need to not take our selfs to serious,   in time  do you still have a friend or do you loose that friend  ,

You know what  what I do is laugh with them and get on well with who ever im around regardless of what I get called........ So long as im called for a  cupper ( tea ) and im part of the crew it don't matter our friendship is ,

...noeleena...

[FTMax]

I think the best thing you could possibly do is listen to your heart. Is he really a worthwhile friend to you? What impact would cutting him off have on you, and why do you need to work so hard at correcting him?
I think those are the key questions to ask yourself. I have family, and then some people I went to school with and knew me before the transition. Some of my family/acquaintances have screwed up, though I have a good feeling in my gut that they are no asset to me, so I choose to take the high road and distance myself from them as much as I can.
It sounds like this guy you're talking about is just dead wood imho. The situation can become hostile. I get angered by it when it happens to me...

Honestly I think it bothers me so much because he's the only person that seems to have any trouble with it. I'm so used to hearing my male name and "he" and "Mr." that it really grates me when this one person who I consider to be a good friend just can't seem to get it right or care. I don't know that I'd say it makes me angry. It's more sad.

My big issue with cutting him off is that he is still friends with my roommate, who admittedly does not have a lot of friends. I don't want to put him in a position where he feels like he can't spend time with someone or have someone over because of me. If it weren't for that, I'd cut him off immediately. I am strongly leaning towards cutting him off, but I have to know that I've truly exhausted all the potential avenues I could pursue to get him to understand.

[marsh monster]

Before cutting him off, just curtail your time around him without keeping your roommate from being around him. He may notice and ask why you don't want to hang around him and then its a great opening for saying how uncomfortable you are being around someone who keeps misgendering you without seeming to care about how it makes you feel. It might send a stronger message if its connected to a major behavioral change on your part that he might actually take notice of.

[Kova V]

Before cutting him off, just curtail your time around him without keeping your roommate from being around him. He may notice and ask why you don't want to hang around him and then its a great opening for saying how uncomfortable you are being around someone who keeps misgendering you without seeming to care about how it makes you feel. It might send a stronger message if its connected to a major behavioral change on your part that he might actually take notice of.

This ^^^

This may have started innocently but now it's a matter of respect. He doesn't respect who you are. He might just be doing it to have fun, I've known two people that make fun of their friends and they don't mean anything malicious by it, but he is still using it as a bigoted slur towards you. I prefer my friends to be friendly. I have no time for drama.