What do I do about my own self-hatred?

[Alex_or_Ben]

I have a lot of self-hate for myself recently.  I don't know what to do about it.  I thought it had to do with my being transgender, but now I'm not sure.  I thought that with the figuring out that I was trans, that the self-hate would go away, but apparently it hasn't.  I just can't really find any reason to like myself, much less love myself.  I just find reasons to not do what I want to do, just because I hate myself so much.  I'm used to the hate and feeling this way.  I don't know how to change without rubbing myself the wrong way and feeling gross with the liking myself part.  I used to self-injure and be drunk and stuff like that because of the self-hate.  I'm in my mid-30's and I feel I'm too old for all of this.

Does anyone have any suggestions?
Any help would be very much appreciated.

[JoanneB]

Besides generally hating myself I have a LOT of internalized transphobia. I feel your pain. It is a constant battle for me to stay the course.

What helps the most for me is an affirmation that grew out of 50 years of doing things the wrong way. "I know what Does NOT work" Still, I have my WTF am I doing meltdowns.

[stephaniec]

I don't hate myself , I just beat myself up for not accomplishing anything in life.

[Dena]

We accumulate a bunch of emotional baggage in the years before we seek treatment. Mine was the result of not ever having a life from early grade school on. Transsexualism kicked in at age 13 and really added to the load.

I am sure you had a far different path in life and have accumulated some nasty stuff as well that is preventing you from enjoying the fact you are moving down the road of treatment.

Medical standards call for therapy and this is the reason why. The reassignment surgery changed nothing in my life but the therapy and living my new role changed everything. I like many didn't expect it but somewhere in after a year and a half cross living but before surgery everything came together and even without surgery the demons of the past were gone and I was happy. I had no intention of returning to the old role as the new role was part of the cure and I still wanted the surgery to put the finishing touch on things but I was ready to move into a new life without the past haunting me.

The only way this works is if you discuss this in therapy. They are there to ensure you are ready for surgery and you will be happy in your new life. Avoiding the truth in therapy will only harm you and you will continue to be unhappy.

[genderirrelevant]

I'm having some trouble with this too. I have no doubt that top surgery is the right choice for me (16 days away!) but I know it won't improve my core personality flaws. My life won't be more useful or meaningful because I lost a couple lumps but at least I won't feel (as) dysphoric just from looking in the mirror.

[Dena]

I don't know how much therapy you are receiving but if you have issues you should consider a weekly visit until those issues are resolved.

[katrinaw]

Hi Alex.... hugs to you

I like and agree with Joanne and Dena on this one, big time...

Accepting that you are transgender certainly answers a lot of your internal turmoil and gives a sort of peace on recognising who you are, but often it unlocks a bunch of other questions, fears and need to's....

I knew from a 4 yo that I wanted/should have been born a girl... but nowhere to go with it... at 5 when I realised the physical differences then Dysphoria kicked in. But over time it got buried... well controlled... then when at mid forties I realised that what I had been suffering was a condition I was elated... but then like you despair set in... how, what should I do, what do I tell my loved ones... career, home, blah, blah... they all took their toll, oh I am 62...

I am not kidding myself, that now, when I do deal the final cards will I have solved everything, absolutely not, but I know I'll be happy moving into the final stages of my dream and life, but for me any misgivings will have been the wasted years, the possible loss of family contact... dunno... maybe work may also be a problem.. But I must do it, I will be strong because I have been strong holding off all of these years. I will be a wreck if only I let myself be a wreck, after 58 years of being in the wrong body, I will be released, may even give me a longer life because of self peace.

Work out what you want, make a list, tick off each little milestone, you will be amazed at how much better your life and journey will be with ticking off those milestones.

Hope that helps a little

Katy xx

[Sharon Anne McC]

*
You mentioned that you had a self-hatred and thought you are transsexual; many M-F transsexuals feel a hatred for their male body parts.  Some M-F resort to mutilation; not a good decision because you can destroy body tissue used in GCS / SRS reconstructive surgery.  Once on hormones, their abhorrence diminishes; GCS/ SRS surgery finishes that dysphoria.

If you still feel self-hatred and it is not connected to your transsexual identity issue, then you might not be transsexual.  Instead you may have other issues and need to discuss them with a professional counsellor who can help you sort your feelings.  ERT is reversible, GCS / SRS is not; you have plenty of time to resolve your thoughts and feelings, please do not rush with impatience.

I have been where you are now - I hated my male parts and they were not even male (I'm inter-sex female:  doctors  identified my mal-formed female parts as mal-formed male and assigned me male at birth).  Gawd did I hate it all!  My family made me hate my self.  I eventually made my own decisions, counsellors supported my decisions, and I learned to like / love my self and my restored female body.  I did not need others when in fact it had to come from within me first before I could seek acceptance from others.

Your counsellors can help you drop the booze and the self-injury.  The remaining could be smooth sailing if that is the worst of things.  You will realise your good fortune and your life will improve.

KatrinaW made good points as well.  It seems so dark looking to the future.  Looking back at my past seems so simple and what I thought were impenetrable obstacles were little more than speed-bumps.  My memories of life as my male predecessor are so distant - I am 35 years female and have no regrets.
*

[katrinaw]

A big warm welcome to Susan's Sharon...

Loved you wording you have used... especially the bit about body parts...

Look forward to seeing you around the forum's...

L Katy 

[Sharon Anne McC]

*
Katrina:

I learned that there are generally two types of M-F true transsexuals: 

     -  (a) the male who hates 'his' male body parts and

     -  (b) the male who acts out as a super macho male (such as 'Bruce' Jenner).

The first type is obvious - they hate their male body parts.  Transition and GCS / SRS is an easy decision.

The second M-F type can be a bit difficult for outsiders to comprehend - and sometimes for the person herself.  They will ask how can a 'real man' be M-F:  they joined the military, they played rough sports, they dated many girls / women, they fathered children.  They experience internal conflict; they thought being that super macho male would shake off their female identity.  Their external family opposition does not work. 

Your identity is stronger than your oppositional efforts and forces.

(Self-promotion:  my new web-site 'slimandme.wordpress.com')
*

[Dena]

*
Katrina:

I learned that there are generally two types of M-F true transsexuals: 

     -  (a) the male who hates 'his' male body parts and

     -  (b) the male who acts out as a super macho male (such as 'Bruce' Jenner).

The first type is obvious - they hate their male body parts.  Transition and GCS / SRS is an easy decision.

The second M-F type can be a bit difficult for outsiders to comprehend - and sometimes for the person herself.  They will ask how can a 'real man' be M-F:  they joined the military, they played rough sports, they dated many girls / women, they fathered children.  They experience internal conflict; they thought being that super macho male would shake off their female identity.  Their external family opposition does not work. 

Your identity is stronger than your oppositional efforts and forces.

(Self-promotion:  my new web-site 'slimandme.wordpress.com')
*

I was a third type. I was a female in a male body just trying to figure out how to survive in a world that didn't fit. No way could I ever be considered macho and while I wasn't fond of my male parts, it was the life of a male I found most uncomfortable. Before surgery I had reached the point were if the SRS wouldn't have been available to me, I would have been able to comfortably cross live the remainder of my life.

[JoanneB]

I was a third type. I was a female in a male body just trying to figure out how to survive in a world that didn't fit. No way could I ever be considered macho and while I wasn't fond of my male parts, it was the life of a male I found most uncomfortable. Before surgery I had reached the point were if the SRS wouldn't have been available to me, I would have been able to comfortably cross live the remainder of my life.

Put me into C) also. Like Ms Jenner ANYONE looking at me, even today, at 6ft tall balding big boned deep voiced, I am a guy, I always knew otherwise.

Perhaps a lot has to do with the era we grew up in. Second generation immigrant, plenty of hopes, wishes drams, and expectations on my shoulders. Don't even THINK about disappointing the grups. Still have way too much of that programming running