Anyone ever been the precipitating event in a divorce?

[Tamika Olivia]

As in caused a divorce among two other people, not gotten a divorce yourself.

This is something that's been weighing on my mind since I've consciously committed myself to transition, and it was kinda dragged to the forefront of my thought processes by a conversation I had with my sister.

Her thought process, and it's one I've had as well, is that if I tell my parents about this, and one of them understands and the other does not, it may lead to a divorce. Especially if one of them wants to cut off contact with me and the other does not. The most likely scenario has my mom as the accepting party and my dad as the not accepting. I feel like I'm at the center of a maelstrom that could tear my family apart.

At the same time, I think it's asking too much for me to deny who I am. All I can see down the road of denial is misery and possibly death. I shouldn't be forced to make that sacrifice in order to avoid their prejudice, right? Don't I deserve to be happy with my life?

I guess what I'm looking for is advice. I think choosing to be myself is the right path, but I can't feel good about jeopardizing my family for the sake of my own happiness.

Love,

Tamika

[Dena]

Once, I saw the potential  for that in a Chinese family but the wife was so submissive that I think ties were cut off with the child.

If your parents marriage is that weak, it will not last anyway. Lasting marriages encounter many problems that could tear them apart but they still last. Because you are a child you may not be aware of the many problems your parents faced when they were first married. Problems like jobs, money, personal differences, in laws, relatives and many others issues. By the time you came along, many of these issues had been worked out by your parents and it looked like your parents marriage was made in heaven. Your parent many not have talked about these problems but it's a pretty sure thing they were there. My parents had war stories as well and a few I didn't learn about until not long ago.

You can test the waters by asking your parents about their "perfect" marriage and say you are interested in the early years. I suspect they will have some stories to tell.

[Tysilio]

Choosing to be yourself is pretty much always the right path. All you can do is be kind and loving along the way, and if other people react badly, or have difficulty with each other, you're not responsible for that. If your parents' relationship with each other is good, they'll cope, and if it's not so good, that's on them, not on you.

Trying to be something you're not for the sake of other people is just about guaranteed not to turn out well; not for them, and certainly not for you.

You may want to have another talk with your sister about this. It's not a good sign that she's trying to guilt-trip you out of doing something that's this important to your well-being.

[Tamika Olivia]

Dena,

You're right on both counts. That was another angle I've approached it from. My sister and I both know about the not so perfect days in our parent's marriage. They've brushed near the concept of divorce a few times in the past, but always shied away in the end. I think they're strong enough, but if they aren't that isn't my fault.

Tysilio,

Thank you. I keep saying those things to myself, that I owe it to myself to be true, but it always feels good to hear someone else agree. I can't own their problems, it's too much, I just have to be good and be myself.

As for my sister, it's odd. She's younger by about 3 years, but in a lot of ways she is very protective of me. I don't think she's trying to guilt me, she's just trying to make sure that I've considered every angle and making sure that I'm not acting in haste. She's also scared, and I totally get that. She's been a hero throughout this process, so I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt when she gets a little worn on the edges.

[KristinaM]

I agree with Dena and Tysilio.

I had this same thought when building up the courage to tell my parents, and I still worry about it.  My mother is submissive to my father, but I am her only child, and nothing can break that bond.  I was worried my parents would separate and/or divorce over it, but then I realized that if/when that does happen, it's not my fault that their marriage wasn't strong enough to survive it.

I'm not talking to my father or my sister (half sister, my father's daughter) either right now b/c they are basically the same person.  Complete self-righteous, me me me me me, Bible this, me me me me me, Fox News that, kind of people.  So I don't want that negativity in my life and I'm not talking to either one of them until they apologize to me for being complete a-holes.  It was my sister who put the idea into my head also that their marriage might not survive this.