Freaking out when starting to pass

[zog]

So, a really surprising thing has happened; I have started to pass as female. And even though this is something I've been spending the past several years of my life transitioning with my ultimate goal being this thing, I find myself freaking out about it and being almost spooked.

I think a big part of it is that I think I wasn't ready for it quite yet. Even if I have been frustrated about it not happening earlier, I still find myself searching my reflection, seeing features I think are so obvious tells that it feels absurd. The biggest being that hormones and constant shaving has made the skin on my upper lip so thin you can see an obvious moustache shadow even if I shave it so close I can't feel anything. So unless I'm in a fortunate laser phase, that's something I see glaring at me whenever I see my own reflection. I also didn't think my voice would be passable yet by any means.

But it seems it doesn't matter. Not only have I noticed the subtle ways how people act or talk around me differently, but I have also gotten comments that don't leave anything up for speculation. One person said they wouldn't have had a clue had I not mentioned it and one person was even a bit angry when they said that how on earth is my trans history visible in any way. It seems so random anyway. I have trans* friends who to my eyes pass without any trace of their history, but still don't pass day to day while other people who to my eyes are obvious cases do pass without any problems.

I think a major issue I'm grappling with this is my own thoughts. Since I can't read thoughts, I can't know how people usually do gender me and therefore I'm very hesitant and scared to let myself think that I might indeed pass consistently now. Because in some way it feels like I might be wrong and if this trend reverses, I could be crushed emotionally. Also it feels like I have way too much hubris if I were to think that I pass now and feel like the whole world would judge me and think "oh h*ll you don't". But at the same time, I can't help noticing all the signs and even more I can't help but hear the comments I have no reason to believe were made out of misplaced desire to make me feel better about myself.

Anyway, I was wondering if this feels in any way familiar to any of you folks? I thought long and hard about if I want to include a very new picture of myself in this thread since it might skew people's attitudes about what I'm writing above, but in the end I felt that it's pretty fundamental to the topic, so here goes:


(And yes, I'm planning to learn how to use makeup to hide the moustache shadow, but haven't gotten around to it yet.)

[suzifrommd]

Passability was definitely an eye-opener for me too. It still seems rather random. Some people have know clue. Other people clock me so quickly it seems obvious.

I have that same feeling as you - what has been bestowed can be taken away. My passability seems so fragile that I do have a sense that it could be gone as quickly as it came. There's a bite of nervousness not knowing what people know about me. I try to tell myself it doesn't matter, but we ALL know that's not true. When you're passable, everything is different.

Though my non-passing friends seem a bit happier - they don't have to worry about the whole thing.

[stephaniec]

My problem with any objectivity about my "passness " is that I really don't know what others truly see. I make a stand on telling myself that it doesn't ultimately matter because my health is the most important part of the equation. The problem is that I live in a college community and   quite often groups of students walk around together. Sometimes all male or all female or mixed. I can't see what they see so as these groups pass me by I internally freak not knowing how I'm perceived, for example a group of big football players walking by me or sitting in Subway late at night I'm not sure if I'll get pounced upon for being trans. It wont happen because all these kids are good kids getting an expensive education, but the thoughts are still there.

[iKate]

I used to be thrilled at passing but now I just expect it. I know I do pass at times because I've been asked for tampons in public restrooms (just today in fact; all I had was panty liners). Also at work people who don't know me will open doors and hold elevator doors open for me.

Freaking out? Nah. It's just life as usual for me now.

Now with my new voice I'm hoping that passing is close to 100% as possible.

[JoanneB]

In my Shame & Guilt ruled mind any success is cause to run and hide. And beat myself up over. Thinking I am feeling better about just being ME was bad enough. But maybe actually passing? All 6 ft tall ugly MF'er me? No, this cannot be.

Better the devil you know.....

[Yenneffer]

Hugs I get this to I get freaked out when going out and I think I'm going to get sired touch wood it hasn't happened yet.to be honest I don't know when I get clocked the only few times I have was due to third parties.the funny thing is I never get sired or miss

[Zoetrope]

There are no universal standards of 'passing' - barely any two people look at it the same way.

My interactions are in constant flux, from pass - to fail - to male fail - and back again.

The best thing you can do is enjoy the ride - roll with it - and take time out from what other people might be thinking.

Let people think what they will, and gender you however they feel comfortable. You are about to go through your in-between days, and it will be very hard for other people to always get it right.

This is your journey, no-one else's.

[Ms Grace]

You nailed it on the head when you said you can't read minds. That's right, you can't. And you know what you'd probably hear if you could? "My back hurts"; "I hope no one notices my pimple"; "Can't wait to see Ant-Man tonight"; "Why won't that @#$%^&* call me"... ad nauseam. Yes, the tragic truth is that most people are thinking about themselves and if you even cross their span of awareness they might notice something fleeting. And even if they are thinking something about you, so what? It might be something nice for all you know. There was a woman sitting next to me on the train on the way home today, about all I really thought about her was that I really liked her manicure, I can't even tell you what colour it was now.

So yeah, go out, live your life and revel in the joy of passing. It probably feels weird because you are going over the threshold and your brain is trying to work out where it is going. About three months after I went full time I was shopping in the women's section of a clothes store, I got distracted by my phone for 30 seconds and then had a mini freak out because I inexplicably felt like I was in the "wrong section", everything felt upside down for two seconds but then I regained my equilibrium. And so will you! 

[Eva Marie]

Expanding on what Grace said - I think that a lot of passing is just not standing out enough to be noticed. People tend to be self-absorbed and go about their lives not really paying much attention to their surroundings, using the background of their minds to notify them of anything that they need to be aware of. If you don't register in that background process you won't get noticed.

I go about my business and no one seems to pay any attention to me, but I know that upon closer scrutiny people will eventually work out that I am a trans woman. I can't do anything about that so I have to be OK with it.

The weird thing to me about passing is getting called "mam" and "she". The fact that I get called by these terms now means that I have have pretty much accomplished my goal of transitioning, but I still have not internalized that I have gotten to that point for some reason.

I don't feel like a mam or a she, as weird as that seems. I just feel like...... me.

[Wynnflaeth64]

You nailed it on the head when you said you can't read minds. That's right, you can't. And you know what you'd probably hear if you could? "My back hurts"; "I hope no one notices my pimple"; "Can't wait to see Ant-Man tonight"; "Why won't that @#$%^&* call me"... ad nauseam.

I really can't wait to see Ant-Man tonight........

[Sammy]

I am still not used to it and cant figure out how that was even possible - whenever I look into mirror, I spot this, this and that, and exactly an hour later someone will hold a door for me or something similar will happen. The most amazing thing happened when I spent four days in a totally unfamiliar environment where nobody knew me and in the end I realised that nobody got a clue (and was not even trying, just being myself).

[BirlPower]

I think you look female in your pic. I wouldn't stress too much over the shadow. My cis wife has more of a moustache than yours. As others have said, passing seems to be about the overall presentation rather than individual details. You have probably tipped over the threshold of doing more right than wrong, as it were.

All the best
B

[zog]

Many thanks for the comments. I think they helped because today was a freaky day going around and about town because maybe fuelled by the thoughts on this thread plus a better than average upper lip shave, my mindset was that I'm passing all throughout the day.

Ultimately it's obviously impossible to know if I passed or not or how often or not, since I didn't get any comments or indications to any direction, but it was highly empowering.