I flushed my hormones down the toilet. Now what should I do?

[Jasper93]

(I'm sorry if this is in the wrong section, I'm new and don't know where to put it).
I don't expect everyone to understand, but I'm just searching for some helpful ideas on what to do.

I don't want to get into everything leading up to right now, but I'll start close. I saw a doctor to start on hormone replacement therapy so that I could transition into a girl. Although excited I was filled with dread at the same time during the meeting and the entire week leading up unto when I got my pills. There was a point when I hit a 'high' in which I only happily imagined the future, but the day I got my pills that all disappeared. I was immediately scared and unhappy, but it was the next day I would start. Woke up and waited to start, was happy but also scared again, I couldn't bring myself to take them. Then me and my partner had a fight about this. My partner, understandably, isn't 100% thrilled about the transition process. And I am with them there. Without much detail, we fought and I threw my pills down the toilet. It was in small part from the fight, but in large part for me.

If I could wake up a girl then I would be ecstatic, but I'm not sure I am okay transitioning. The thought of transitioning just makes me mad and unhappy, I want to be a girl but I don't want to have to become a girl. And although I know that I am 'real' I'm just worried that after taking my pills I'll feel fake inside. I more than anything wish I could just live a life without this and just be happy, but I know that's impossible. I know transitioning is the answer, it just makes me unhappy that it is.

With that said, I just don't know what to do. I am going to contact my doctor in a week but I'm at a loss for what to say. I need some kind of excuse, something I can say that sounds real, if I say that in a fit of fear and loathing I flushed them, I'll probably not be able to get them re-prescribed. I need something I can say that will get them to prescribe me another regiment, that's where I need your help.

Please, any ideas on what to say and also just any one else who's dealt with the same issues sharing their stories would be great as well.

Well, I wanted to start at age 19, but only sort of, meaning that I too would have flushed my hormones down the toilet out of fear of what I was getting myself into. I put the idea of transitioning aside and tried to live normally, but the need to transition and live as who i am again took me by storm at age 20. I had no doubts about it this time around, and in the 10 months I've been taking e, I've never once considered going back -- and I've been put through an unbelievable amount. I say wait until you're positive that this what you want. Back when I was a steroid user, I did the same thing roundabout with THOSE hormones . Turns out I was on the wrong path.

Ally

[Rachel]

You are going through a lot of emotion right now. Your partner is not supportive and going on HRT is frightening.

A gender therapist, a support group and friends from the group will help you realize you are not alone others have been where you are now.


What Cindy shared is important and worth rereading.

I also recall his words to me years later over a coffee, I asked him when he knew I was trans*, his reply "When you walked into my office, there was no other reason for you to be there, you just needed a way to accept it"

Being honest with your practitioner is a best practice. So lets recap, you need to transition, have a script, got into an argument over transitioning and tossed the pills in the toilet. Why? If you had a supportive partner would you have tossed the pills? You are human and trying to appease everyone but yourself and you are living a hell. You know the way out, now you need to trust in yourself and do what you need to do.

[Zoetrope]

Alienogkitty, I noticed late how you have tagged ''hatred of being trans''.

It sounds like that is the main problem here.

You will need to come to terms with being transsexual if this is going to work.

If I were you, I would focus on getting my head around that. *Then* make the move. Otherwise transition could make things worse, rather than better.

[Ms Grace]

Zoe makes a good point - many trans people have internalised transphobia, especially at the early stages of their intention to transition. I know I did and dealing with it was the best thing that could have happened to me.

[Tori]

I tortured a trans woman for 37 years!

[Rachel]

I also agree with Zoe, addressing trans-phobia is very important.

[stephaniec]

plus as a side issue your going mutate the food chain dumping things into the sewer system

[LizMarie]

You need a therapist. You are exhibiting conflicting emotions, you lack a support network with your partner actively working against you. You need to start resolving all this before you get deep into HRT and transition.

[iKate]

The whole Caitlyn Jenner thing and all the current trans visibility is making me very unhappy.

Don't worry I feel the same way sometimes. CJ has good intentions but the Kardashian baggage along with a lot of other stuff including being publicly recognized as a male hero for so long is kind of hurting her image.

That said, I still support her 100%, as we all should.

I agree on the therapist. But you said you're seeing one. You also mentioned planned parenthood, so that means informed consent. That is the double edged sword of informed consent. You are supposed to acknowledge the risks but you are only minimally counseled before you start... that said I totally get your situation with your partner.